tasty, yes?

I've developed a taste for love... an obsession? I don't know if I need to call it anything. I want it, I hunger for it, I ache for it, I miss it... then I wonder, how can I miss what I don't understand? how can I have a taste for something I've given a label to when I'm not even sure that that word fits? I've drawn up a picture, painted an image of what I think love is... maybe because in the end love is what I make it, make of it, love is what I let it be; maybe because I don't want a love like someone else, I don't want a love like in the stories. I want a love like a love kate would love. a love I would love. sense in this word is all smoke and mirrors. an image like the past, an image like what I wish I could see, I would see, I think I should see. disillusionment, illusions, dreams, misplaced breaths. I want what I don't know. I see love in others. I see other's love and I base what I think I would want off of what they have and what they want as I haven't anything of my own to base it off of. I read the stories, see the movies, hear the songs and wonder what I would be like in love. I'm not saying "in love", I mean IN LOVE like its not just spring and I'd like to hump you like a rabid rabbit like I did in my dream last night. the love that consumes all the other emotions. the love that is the only emotion, the love that cannot be skewed, distorted or thrown away by another emotion or by an other. [...]

dustin be nimble dustin be quick

dusting jump the half pipe finishing with a trick!

every photo has its story, every person has its story. if it doesn't, one will be made up for it. if you don't, make one up, make it your life, make it your dream. here and now is how and where. let's see, sit back and watch, participate, this game we think of as life is interactive, don't wait for the last time.





HOLLA!


HERE I GO HERE I GO! THAT'S ME!


my shadow looks like I'm doing a grab trick, but I can't get enough air to do a grab trick. BUT MAN! you should see me do kick flips and stuff! OH OH OH!


when can I kick him outta the pipe? cause not only does he look stoned out of his mind but he's getting his drool EVERYWHERE. I mean, I'm not skating in anyone's saliva but mine and yours. kapeesh?


I'm not a show off, I'm just that good. HAH. BITCH.


ass poking out? CHECK! I like the shadow better hehehe


yeah we stand around with a foot on our board to look professional. cause you know, its what the pros do. I mean, did you see this months THE SKATE MAG? I mean YEAH! ROCK! see? so that's how it is.


and I'm not even trying [wheeeeeze] will you send these to my mom after you photoshoptastic them? I wanna show her what her baby can do


OH SHIT I'M IN THE AIR AGAIN! [and it smells like nasty feet here in the basement] if you had a cool fish eye lense or something kate, this could SO go in a magazine!


hold it... hold it... hold it... GO GO GO!


I AM MY SHADOW! LOOK AT ME GO! I WILL BE VICTORIOUS! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER! and that was when he came flying back his echo catching up with him all the while he didn't take his eyes off me... or was it the cam? either way he did tricks and wasn't even paying attenion. DUSTIN! LOOK! THE OTHER HALF OF THE HALF PIPE IS COMING FOR YOU!


CHECK IT! so this one time I stood at the top of the half pipe contemplating, contemplating, contemplating, and then OH MY SHIT


OH MY SHIT!


SEE! I am NOT rail thin! HAH! [eats second hamburger]


after skating.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK was it the first bunny ear that goes through the loop or the second something around the tree? damn. I need to get some velcro sneakers.


he traded it in. it said at one point "I ride soccer moms" I loved the lil green thing that it was. he said though, "its white and faster." I got a hug this time. the first time. ever. EVAR. he's the same. he's so different. just the same as the next time.
this evening's post has been brought to you by a burger and almost a half, the CAPS LOCK and curls

don't make me blue

how does one deal with loss?
we weren't even that close.
we never got to spend much time together.
the words we shared, oh the words we shared.
laughs, smiles, and refreshing thought
I take a breath and breathe
it was good while it was
it was good while it wasn't
its even better now.
I'll miss you, the terrible doughnuts you would always bring with you, that smile you always had, that ready thank you when I was there to refill your cup with toxic steaming coffee, always a kind sweet old thing to say, wise beyond years
its not swallowing feelings, emotions persay but realizing they need to be channeled, released, for there is better for them
as there is better for him and he is there now. he is there now.

welcome home

past

I'm all in my mind.
states of mind, battling each other for supremecy
"I'm more important." "I'm better." "stop with this pride."

and then, in my hand, I hear
"call out my name, call and I came."
because, no matter what, I will.

don't tell me we forget sometimes.

:::


it began on the curb next to my driveway. his guitar in his lap humming and strumming, radiohead this time. his voice and the notes bounced off the walls of the houses that felt amazingly closer than they actually were. hand in hand I walked us down to the lake near my house. a moon of orange the size of a quarter held infront of the eye floated lazily on the horizon and a mist started rising in the valley next to the dam.

"how are we going to get across the lake?"

"that's not the lake dear, that's fog."

cool moisture enveloped us, ghosts we became in the mist, never losing his touch, he held more than my hand. seated on the dam, an ocean of fog floated a short man's height above the surface of the lake. it couldn't have been more beautiful, picturesque cirrus clouds a sheer nightgown on the moon. I see your curves moon and your secrets too I thought. he sang from another place, different than when we were curled up outside my house. a soul had come to life and he was letting lose counting crows and fake plastic trees. curiosity, how powerful you are. and in its strength I fell. flying full speed ahead and I felt at home. in his embrace. in his love. night's like this are imaginary. dreams flashing before my eyes and he couldn't stop hiding his smile behind his arms encircled around his legs.

"you're making me blush." and I'd smile all the more.

:::


do you remember?
that one time?
that one place?
that one feeling?
that one touch?
do you remember?
the crow
counting crows

your profile is silent
your face even more so
and your lips?
your eyes?
and your finger tips?
[and my lies?]

:::


ambience...the mood set itself.
and you still held back
you fingers aching to....
only plucking on breaking wires
a soft mist........ in your eye
you weren't all there
then again you never really were
everything half.... hearted... minded....
it was a perfect picturesque .... lie.
what have you to say about the truth now.

:::


I first met him in a cloud of smoke on a particularly humid bass heavy night at the club I had grown to frequent every Friday. He burst out of a small cloud of people in search of a corner to claim as his own and move how the music made him feel. Track after track the dj dropped we made every attempt to steal looks from opposite sides of the floor and "accidentally" bump into the other until I finally asked him what his name was.
Brian would occasionally look up from the floor while smiling and spoke in a voice more suited for a day in an empty park. I could see his clear blue eyes twinkle as he spoke of his guitar and performing at open mic night the other night with a good friend of his he's known since 4th grade. He smiled when he talked of future prospects with his current job and possible moves due to it. When I turned away momentarily to say hi to a friend he was still standing there, hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels to the music, smiling.
The only thing that drew his attention away for the night was the star dj coming on. He grabbed my hand and dragged me onto the floor as near the dj as we could get. He small talked with a couple other strangers until the dj started throwing down and the club went into a frenzy. So much so that I felt it was time to go home. With a frown on his face he walked me to the bar so we could find a pen and paper. When the bartender shook her head at us he bit his lip and turned to me while holding my hand.
"Does it start with 703? I'll remember it if it does."
Behind the cloud of smoke that was the vague story of his life were brief unexpected tails of his mother battling cancer and no longer being the same woman, fighting with his father about the life style his father didn't agree with, and the mention of a younger brother who remained nameless. The past wasn't brought up much in the conversations we had after 9 until all hours of the next morning. When we weren't babbling about our possible futures and hoping dreams would come true we would sit on the dam at the lake near my house. With his guitar in his lap and me leaning on his shoulder, he sang radio head songs or other little something's that came to mind when he thought of me.
Brian started to talk more and more of work and weekends with his friends just as I started to fall father than I ever had before. Eventually the phone calls became less and less until all I ever heard from was his voice mail or his roommate. Either at work or passed out on the couch due to this or that he was never free to tell me himself why he couldn't get in touch. A hunger that begged to be sated grew until all I could do was dream. I dreamt of hearing his voice singing or not about absolutely anything and seemingly everything. I imagined what his last hug would feel like just after I said goodbye for the first and last time.
With no time to drive thirty minutes so I could explain why I was saying goodbye he rushed a phone call that should have been more than he let it be. In the few moments he let me have of his limited time I babbled about neglect and how communication was the key to any kind of relationship.
"I have to go Kate. I'll get back to you."

:::


she lives this little story
that she tells herself is her life
she is the apple of every body's eye
what everyone thinks they can not be
she lives this little life
dream after reality after breath
stealing looks and words
denied by the undeniable
what is it her little life is trying to tell
what is it your little words wish to wisper
your sweet lips aching to break
when her sashaying shadow
leaves your sight
she lives her little story
misunderstood feeling translated
into misinterpreted truth
what is it she is trying to say
smothered by silence
swallowed by doubt

:::


its hard to stop wanting when you love something like breathing
until you realize your holding your breath
and just prepetuating that horrible headache
its hard to remind oneself "to each their own"
if he wants to breath life into his own dreams
and your company isn't part of it
no matter how hard you wish and hope
--I'll only make a wish if it comes true
...will it come true if I wish it?--
hope is a good thing
but it so often holds people back
because in their hope they forget they can still DO
--other things and what not etc etc etc--
life goes on even though you're standing still

...and honestly
why would you want to be anyone but yourself?
look in a mirror and tell that stranger to smile
because damn it you're beautiful
so smile through those feelings and laugh a little


:::


you shouldn't do this to yourself
I'm not someone you should want to keep intouch with
...actually I don't know
I've never tried keeping intouch with myself
I guess do what you have to do
and see what happens
I still don't think you should do this to yourself
you know you won't win
you know you won't get what you want
and you torture yourself in the hopes for what
a friendship
more than friends
best friends
hopes have made more than one tear fall
or do you not care that theres the possiblity of pain
cause you know I sure don't
pain is just something you have to realize is there in every instance
its every where you can't avoid it
you can't hide from it behind your walls
because then the you behind there will start killing you slowly
and you'll end up something like me...
but I guess do what you have to do
and see where it gets you
do what you think you have to do
I still think you shouldn't do this to yourself
...I'm not...who you think I am
.....today

:::


I would hate to love you as it seems to be a waste of time
I fell once and kept falling each time you would look my way
but every time you forgot every time you didn't have time
I felt time drawing short and everything within growing tighter
it hurts, you know
it makes me want to cry
I understand that you're always busy
but not even a moment between breaths to even think of me?
not even a moment between sips to leave a little message?
I don't understand how it can slip your mind
I don't understand how I can slip your mind
I hope you understand why I'm crying
I hope you understand what I'll have to say some night soon
if this torture does not end
I know I love you but it seems someone doesn't have the time

I'm so easily forgotten

its hard luck when those days
oh yes, those days, oh no.
I collapsed and you caught me
I waited and you forgot
"oh yeah, I forgot."
no I think you remembered
but... something happened.
and then you said
you say. you miss me
"I miss you I miss ----"
but you don't because if you did
...if you did, you wouldn't.
that is your doubt to deal with

soon soon soon I'll say hello and goodbye
and then I'll begin to set things up for the end
I don't care if you're ready. I'm tired of waiting.

what's one more day?

something tells me I'm gonig to push you way
I need to push you away. this is my fight.
I'm my own fight. what will it mean if someone else saves me?
what will it mean if I can't save myself.
these are the days though, when everything is just
there
and I can't reach out. I can't step out.
oh to be a character, one I can't step out of.
perspective skewed and everything on the down low
is here flooding on the rising tide
drowning myself in what isn't really there.
something tells me I only have myself to blame.

thank you kate.

he fills my heart with very special things

scorpio rising indeed
and spring is in the... [ahem]
it has my mind swimming in a sort of...
hmm... you know when you're in the car
and its all warm and fuzzy and that good song
its pouring out your speakers and dancing into you ears
and you sing so loud and it feels so good
deep down and in the back of your throat
a feeling in your words and voice
different, from a different place than evah before
it just feels so right, so comfortable, so natural
its like getting paid and knowing its all yours
"that is not the question you should be asking,
instead you should be asking, who are you?"









































who are you?

my brain has atrophied

move upside and down, that's when I came
to see what only children can see
in play and tears of extreme pleasure
a half a mile away from reality and back
buried in the den of the sun, warmth, and innocence
the sin of my emotions was no more, never had they existed
then, I wasn't in a hurry to be back, I don't want to be leaving soon
I want to continue this motion in a circular fashion
flying through, living today through yesterday into tomorrow
it takes from side to side to know I can't be a tourist here
just to watch, take photos, and say I've been there
teacher, learner, lover, heartbreaker, winner, loser, flyer, faller

I have to be who we are. I have to be who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

on another note

mondo sushi. I miss you.

I gave you [what felt like] seven years

oh but it was good
fame and jealousy aside
apologies and forgiveness forgotten
the ending led to the beginning
the one you saw last night
in the flicker of my eyes
dreams passing channels changing
vain, oh it wasn't all in vain
to realize what was to be reached for
it had to be let go of
a panic attack to open eyes
and thanks. lives. thanks.

I won't go back.

my heart is tied to memories
tied down by memories
sailing away on the kisses we once shared
drowning in the emotions I let wash over me
come away with me
and we'll let our hearts go
no longer shackled down
by dreams and wishes
words denying the reality they make for us
minds holding on and hearts playing along
I've got to see you
to let you go


how do you know when its time to hold on and when its time to let go?

"things got kinna weird didn't they?"

watch the sky for me
because here I come
what kind of a mark will I leave
when I land?

love songs are killing me today
dragging me, dropping me to my knees
I heard something say
"...I saw you hit the floor
before you even fell
and then I heard him yell..."

who's the loser in the end?

dance little sister, don't give up today

but what's to give up if there's nothing left?
and you know? I'd rather say good bye to all the pretty reflections just so I can say hello to what really matters to me.
it hurts that its no one else but me bringing down the house

...don't say "I'm sorry"
because you shouldn't be
here, let me be selfish
"I don't want you to be"
don't be sorry
because there's nothing to be sorry for
if anything, and there's so much
be happy, grateful
for memories, smiles, laughter
I'll say thank you
for denying nothing
[and you didn't, I knew]
I'll say thank you
for being honest
don't torture yourself
over everything I would wish makes you smile
its to be admired
what you won't do to yourself

freezer burn

maybe I'll come down
not that I have far to go
struggle and here I go
dragging me down
stop asking me those questions
"kate? ...kate...?"
and then he said"
its like blue and green meet up for the sunrise and have yet to finish shaking hands"

and then silence

today. everyone will be kate, because "I wanna be kate!"

but you don't. when I said what I did I wasn't kidding. the truth is what it is and not what I wish it wasn't.

the song sings to me, cooing through my crackling speakers "sweet lady. how do you let yourself do this to you?"
and I couldn't stop myself as he drew. his hand flying softly over the paper. "do you want me to stop?"
and I wanted to laugh, god damn that was sweet. he saw the pain I didn't know I was feeling
"do you need a tissue?" and silence consumed him again the only sound ....the only sound...

game on

leaves falling and words from her lips, whispers brushing against your chest as you forget the street even is. weather, unrelenting, can't take it anymore and drops start to mingle with your smile. a smile no longer hidden peaks forth as she thinks she sees sparks of electricity as the water touches against your lips. maybe a trick of the eyes or a trick of the heart. a laugh slips out as a puddle consumes her shoe swallowing every last bit of warmth in her foot.

"to hell with the weather. shall we jump in?"

hand in hand knowing the consequences, splashes to shake the world from its foundations, your worlds anyways, waves to drown all doubts and forgotten possibilities. planes have never taken off this gracefully in storms out to kill the sun. a course set for everywhere with everything planned in its own time on the to do list. memories to be made, laughs to be had, kisses to be shared, all seen in the blink of an eye you see out the corner of your own as she makes a link with your arm you hope never breaks. images come to be brighter, lighter, more clear, images of "download complete", suns rising, universes coming to be, existence recreating itself, and a weight lifted off your shoulders as she walks beside you. blossoms of venus's garden smelled sweeter yesterday and her scent even more so now. her smell caressing your mind conjuring dreams and stories of love you'll write for her and read as she sleeps next to you on silk in the silk of her soft skin, roses of red smiling in a dream of their own.

a rain drop lands in your eye and to your surprise she's standing there reflecting your smile at you, a giggle rings of bells off her tongue.

"let's see what we can..." and you say "...let's indeed."

there's no use screaming

she would laugh every time the cd skipped into that part of the song
"voices tell me I'm the shit."
and then she would say "man I wish my voices would tell me I'm the shit."

but you are. if you let yourself believe you are.
you are who you let yourself be
remember that and remember when
"who'd ever thought we'd get this far"

a twist to this alien language wrapped up on your tongue
I'm trying so hard to be more than myself for you
myself, for you, I sing "I fell asleep in your blue eyes and as I drifted off I spelled your name across my skies." and I'm thinking, perhaps it is correct and necessary
do you dig me?

and then there was something hanging there, a thought waiting to be painted
a student waiting to have their portrait shoved into another year's yearbook
another generation of fake smiles and badly combed hair on a swirly blue background
look who's laughing now

and you know? it was so sweet of him to say "we don't always need to talk in order to enjoy each other's company."
words couldn't be any truer and silence couldn't be any more welcome.

we'll never feel that anymore

and a game of remember when is in session, you roll a 6
a signal to roll again, you roll a 6
the last chance to roll again, you roll a 6
signs, fate, chance, luck, bad karma
questions and why alaska?
you drew the card that was your lot
sometimes ya gotta leave it all behind
and face the truth
you fortunate fool
and you think "what I didn't do...
and if no where else, then where?"
and then the dice pass between hands and its my turn to try

that feeling when your fingertips brush along my palm
dragging for the eternity of a second
and I fall forward catching myself on reality
instantly all the moisture I need where it should be is where it shouldn't be
something of a busy signal is the sound of dice clattering on the board
inevitability, expectations, possibility
and then everything falls, slipping out of my hand
4, 2, snake eye, spinning to a stop on 3
kiss your imagination sweet heart
build a dream on lips just for a moment
the third time is always the charm
that's when I laugh and count on my trembling fingers
you were number three. oh but you were number one.
you were the first and I wonder, will you be my last.
what have I lost in you? what have I lost of myself in you?
where have I lost myself in you? when did I lose?

is this losing though? or is this losing?

behold

you know those days when you wake up and the sun is shining right in your barely opened eyes and dreams last night were ominous and said don't wake up when morning crawls into bed with you? oh you know those days when you hit every single pot hole possible on the road, almost rear end a little old asian guy cause he comes flying into your lane, spill chai AGAIN on that black full length skirt you haven't washed since you bought it, you almost trip walking in the hallway and no one sees it but yourself, you blank out in english and are left blinking at the teacher you actually like, realize you didn't write those short answers for another class so you go home to type them up, realize you're brain dead, get a sandwich on bread that feels like its ripping the roof of your mouth to shreads, drive up to a lake that looks like its stuck in the 70's, get rear ended by an old guy because you're stopping to let a cyclist cross the road, freak out because you're somewhere you're not supposed to be. yeah, you know those days.

that was my today