my sunday morning

it hurts to still think of you when I feel I've been forgotten
an understanding of the situation and circumstances of reality keep me from being sad
I wish we could have closure or at least some type of understanding that would put my confused heart at ease
you are gone and there like the sun on a cloudy day
you couldn't be lost because I don't think I ever had you.
I'll no longer consider you my stranger anymore.
maybe what we had was love.

if only I knew.

it looks like the sun is exploding outside my window

so I said
and he said
and then I said "oooooh."

cause damn. could you make any more sense? this wasn't that vague sense like a horoscope or a fortune cookie that is vague enough to apply to anything. this... hah. I mean, hell, afterwardsI called him and told him what he said.

I tried to repeat it but it came out from a broken mind just now piecing itself together with rice and water. so I said in something of a sleepy voice, "you know, I think I know why I keep coming back to what we had. what we had, in the beginning, when you sang to me on the lake and the moon all big and orange swimming in the fog was the only witness, when you kissed your favorite spot, what we had then, that got stuck in my mind as my idea of love. my idea of my ideal relationship. all those stories and poems I've written about what we had, all those little things I've obssessed over, I cherish all that because it was my idea of love and its the only idea of love I have. so whenever I think of love. I think of when my eyes first found themselves in yours and thoughts flew out of my mind on my breath which you stole."

heh. I didn't think of that even though its an amazingly obvious answer. it almost feels easier to breathe upon realizing and hearing this.

another tangent he went on is the fact that we as humans need another soul to expel what's built up in our minds. we need to release what we've been thinking, if not just to free the mind, if at least to hear another voice in their head aside from their own and their alter ego's.

I'd felt like I was losing my mind and any others I had whom I felt I could talk to. I holed up in the silence I felt consuming me and was afraid. I was losing myself, losing touch and all I needed to do was talk. say something. anything.

so I did.

and then the battery on my phone died.

and it was goodnight. oh it was a goodnight.

with eyes closed tight.

I want to be tired of writing all this and that about love. all these sweet stories and beautiful poems I wish I didn't have to write for myself. these games of L-O-V-E and I didn't know there were rules. universal, lost among these stars, the ones I saw in your eyes last year three months ago. I always go back to that. what was us. I want to let you off the hook but its me that's hung up. what we had maybe I built up for my imagination and I hoped we'd be partners to the end. I had to except fate which left me to write what I wish was the rest of the story of you and I. all the souvenirs I have left are waiting to be forgotten. oh the photos I could have taken of us while you slept and the love poems I could have left in your pockets and the kisses we could have stolen when everyone was looking and oh the love songs we could have said were about the love I wish we had. what could have ....if we still were... if I had never... if you had never... were we fools in love?

tossing and turning

we'll fly away and to here
bed time where dreams lay
sleeping on pillows of lips and lashes
blankets as songs and we're lulled
words and moments pass
along breathes and through tastes
stopped and started in a time
one I blinked and I saw
you'd missed and thought you were falling
in flight you flew to the sun
hiding in the shade of the rays
pondering and thought
you felt the light and let go

I need to be again.

I hate spam. with a side of vanilla syrup in hot cocoa.

you know how... you sit there with the words on the tip of your tongue and finally, with a lil lube or coercion, they slip off and hopefully gently into the ear of the one you think is listening along with hearing.

but its really you, your walls you've built up despite your efforts. what plays in your head isn't what came in at fast forward which has your mind trying to back track.

reeeeeeeeeeeeeeewind, unwind, undone, done up, up up and away.

away. and I care.
you know it.
not because I told you.
but because I showed you.
you kicked at my embrace, bit at my fingers along your cheek, spat on my chest against your face.
you said go away and I did
but when your breath finally escaped, there I was.

let me lie to myself a moment longer, until I realize my lie is to you too.

I asked why, in tears, and you said there's never been anyone else.

why ask why?
even though
and still
too much
and its enough
to say
nothing

so now that you know, what is there for perfect people to do, driving away into the perfect sunset, their perfect love in a box tied closed with a ribbon, hands in laps, and perfect hearts in eyes, sight found in the future, the beats of this perfect life are recorded into an act played on repeat in dreams for those less than perfect.

reach for that. reach for it. reach for what you will.

reach for me.

it seems to be...

do what?


I will NOT pose


I AM SO TOO CUTE


duuuuuuuude, everyone's doing it! but only I'm double...pointing...


am I shitting?? or showing off guns I don't have?


crotch shot #1


WHAT DID THEY PUT IN MY RASPBERRY CHAI?!


meeeeeeeeeeh


starbucks floor make me oh so hott!


I WORK AT STARBUCKS YAAAAAAAAY!


do you like STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWBERRIES?


duuuuude, ouch!


NOSE SHOT!


lean back a LIL more and it would be a crotch shot!


the aura of starbucks


good damn I'm white. this is also post volleyball


hahaha MACRO!


blech! too much chai!


crotch shot #2


um. guys? look at the camera


re-enacment of JACKASS


um, I think I'm stuck


HOLY HELL MY BIRTHING HIPS!!


a lil spooge and I'm almost free!


crotch shot #3


did you get tickets?


I got introuble for taking these guns to school!

my friends don't love me

someone I used to know
we've become
badly drawn in a forgotten master peice
plans misplaced
our humid breath making the ink run
down the page, away from home
I wait while you escape
packing away your memories
back pockets bursting with tricks
just in case change chokes on the inevitable
and hope trips up the ladder slidding into a fog
you don't know it, but you're breaking my eyes
sight skewed and wow
everythings so suddenly beautiful
maybe I'm dreaming
if I was, then I'd be who you wanted

you say you don't listen to me

and now let's talk about falling apart in a foreign place with no where to go home
will you treasure me like a lost and found when I'm farther away from here?
moments will pass us by and I'll wonder if you did
or if I was to you a by the side little secret you laugh to your friends about
because you're so much more to me than "our song", the one we don't have
when the time comes will you be able to press rewind and live now over again
or then will you be far gone and on to the next conversation you don't hear
if I speak up will you listen? these words falling from silent lips
fingers reaching out and all I can say is a smile as I look away
when you can't feel what is there left to be but broken hearted
washed up and forgotten by myself...

I love this song. it goes like this

I'll write you
now, yesterday, never
because tomorrow I saw you
calling on the telephone
to say hello and goodbye
in the blink of an eye
in the shade of a breath
against my lips
you forgot to kiss me goodnight
in the shadows on my front porch
the moths flickering against the shattered bulb
lights flickering in my eye
the fire in your eye playing a movie on my heart
I saw the ending
happily ever after
and a sequel.

too many empty spaces

leave out words, a puzzle flushed down the toilet
the rushing sound takes the space of silence
left over peices tell a story of their own
paintings and pictures of perfect people, perfect love
perfect in our minds, our minds our poison
judgement drifting down strained pipes
buttons popping and bodies bursting past drawn lines
red, white and 256 web safe colors
games of everything and we change
what worked today, broken yesterday, never existed tomorrow
and what is we don't see for face value
we've taught ourselves to read vagueness
as a story book minus the visual guides

its not that I can't that I won't but I won't because I can't.
everythings on auto-pilot at this point
burning down, there's that rushing sound
forgot about the silence that wasn't
where I'm going, I'm not letting you come with me
all I've to take is myself. let me tell you.

nothings right, nothing to write

its killing me, ever nearer to the end, the beginning
and you, the orchestra plays the curtain falling
rockslide and I wish I could slip into my shadow
dark, light, emotions contrasting, fingers tapping
warm sun, against my skull, eyelids drawn
closed.
closed off.
fallen. sunken.
I've tried to speak, you're not here. you'll not hear.
no thing to interrupt. words. lives. motions. necessities.
now this, caved in, a surprise party crashed and broken
dry tears here are history, a book on the bonfire of your tongue
setting today’s and suddenly everything plus the world is
and is not. anymore. ever. never. forever.
again. there was nothing to pull over my sight
a curtain to hide the lie from the truth

who's failed when there is no winner...
and I slept through the ceremony, a kiss on some lips
before we said "looks like it rained yesterday"
it doesn't matter anyway, what I say, riding away
what I'd say, if I had when I should have
when it started, I came in late, why'd I wait
I wonder, sometimes, do the consequences make us
or break us, glass, ice, a gaze from across the room
this goes on because it has to
no, this is not fate, no this is not destiny.

this is bed time for reality.
goodnight.

so what if I am

I'm sitting under falling hearts
do you miss me where you're not?
without you, me, you, without me
who's without tonight?
don't lose control, I've already lost
there's no running away
imagine there's someone to tell you
tell everyone, everything
my lips can't move fast enough
is there a chance to start again?
my sun on a sunshiny day...
I pray a cloud will come my way

show me how it feels to be

the conveniences of life.

I'm done going through the motions
no more being my own one and only
let's race and crash
the lights flashing and speed passing
oh the air in my hair and taste on my tongue
textures along my lips and memories on my skin
a past familiar to tomorrow
pain in love and I can't help laughing
mirages and images, I'm taking photos
stealing souls and giving out hearts
like candy, melting in the eye
grey green yellow bluuuueeee baby
big blue like something old something new something borrowed
something tickling my neck
and I blink
your breath ringing in my head
phone vibrating in my pocket
and [squirm] I fall spiraling
noises, sensations, bye bye, bye bye
hello? someone? you there? hello?
you're always there
in me, my mind
never here, in me, my...
oh my!

tres pathetic

you come back like yesterdays news
"hello last week wants its joke back."
and you are, even though I haven't stated it plain enough for your blind eyes to know the obvious
your nose in the dirt, your eyes crying in the dust that is all that I left behind in my trail away from you
away from what was never really us
because... why?
why weren't we? why couldn't we be? why did you hide yourself away from me? why did I not get to know you as I so wished I could? why did you let me go? why do I still wonder about you?
and spite. hah. oh spite.
here I am eating ritz crackers [hello advertisement] at 11:25 at night, my phone reading

*Vibrate*
ohkate

and never your name or your number
your voice "gracing" my ears
I can't let myself say what I no longer believe to be true

all that keeps me coming back to you is the question of why. what did I do wrong. how could I scare you away and yet have you reading between the lines. will I kiss you when I see you?

assassin

take it for granted
that sweet breath of air you force past your sealed lips
gone away and forgotten
you push and push, him against your walls
breaking down
breaking
down
never falling, always crumbling
you break down, always falling
into peices, a puzzle
sense, cents, you cost more than you know
and he's willing to pay the price
but you push
your walls press against you
your face, your breath on the glass
everythings fogging up and you can't see
your walls of glass
you see and yet you can not touch
touch what you refuse to know
in your blind logic you hide yourself
you lie to protect yourself
you turn to what can't be truth
what wouldn't be truth if it wanted to be
why lie when it kills what could be if you weren't afraid?
its sad to see its so
its sad to not understand why you are
I'm not going to cry for you.