on a completely different tangent...

I am one to change. adapt for the situation. I try not to let go what I hold near and dear within myself and say goodbye to the faults I can't use in a positive way. [ie farting will evacuate the room and leave me in silence. a fault. but I benefit (; ehehe] I look back and see where I've been. see what I've written [I actually have two and a half composition books filled everywhere I could possibly write with angst, pain, adolescent love, naive joy, confusion, innocence] I don't feel bad for who I was. I don't wish I could go back and change it. I don't wish I could go back and do it over again. I like the kate I've become. I love who I think I may be. if it wasn't for then I wouldn't be who I am now. if it wasn't for the people I met in life, the places I went, the situations I let myself get into, if it wasn't for my parents and for my family and for those friends who are still there when I need them and for myself. I wouldn't be who I am today. I have my faults. the ones I see in others which I can't stand which I see find in myself, I try to overcome that fault. I try to be "a better man" [hehe movie quote (;] I try to be a better human. sometimes it depresses me knowing what kind of a society we live in. knowing how my fellow person acts on a regular basis. what their thoughts are. sometimes when I look at this big picture that is the human race, that is our world, that is this life we let ourselves live... I want to cry. but then, I remember my tears are wasted. a better effort can be put forth, an effort to find others like minded as myself and yet completely different, learn from them, live with them, and try to make my little mark. maybe I was put on this planet to make a difference. maybe I'll make a big one before I go. I won't know until I've tried. and possibly failed. and tried again.

hope for a better tomorrow and a smile from a stranger. humanity isn't lost because "those people" exist. I'm learning how to bring it out of everyone. its not really being nicer or more curteous or more caring or more compassionate or more polite or more respectful [but it is] its about letting go of those pointless motivations, those pointless emotions, those needless fueled thoughts and feeling the sun on your face and the wind on your skin and life in your eyes. its about seeing with your eyes closed and feeling with your mind and tasting this world with your soul. drink up what you put into your life. call it a life force or whatever you may...

hope indeed.

oi-ya-su-mi saaaaan!

even though it all came crashing down
tomorrow walking into today
good night why did you wake me
lonely in that space
the one I let you invade
it was all an accident
that incident, you said
I hate you. why hate me
because this is goodbye
passion and heat in the sunset
beauty in the sunrise
call me when its good morning

its a sign of true love?

toothpaste kisses in the shower
and you were asleep against my back
mid 'soap in the eyes' dance
I laughed and loved
scents of herbal essences and dove
shaving creme and hairy legs
oh skin, slippery and walls wet
that's when we fell drowning
the windows have fogged up
and we're left gasping for breath
grasping for the loofah to invigorate
life on lips and good morning all over your body
'oh my sunshine' in eyes and sweet dreams goodnight

oh the joys...

walking out from costco after having eaten a bit of lunch and picking up the sister's new specs we see a massive 7 series bmer parked next to dad's modest civic lx. there's mud sprayed on the back quarter pannels of the bmer, massive wheels, and two nubs for a cellphone and a radio maybe? as opposed to one. we're all going off on it as the 7 is the monster of all the bmers and it just screams "hi I'm rich and most likely a trophy wife."

just as we're getting into dad's car we see the owner of the monster walk up next to us, sweater drapped over her shoulders, mulles clicking under her feet, and red gucci bag in hand. we laugh even harder upon seeing the owner and can't help but continue the banter bouncing within the car. the comment that took the cake goes to dad

"Oh, I see your pimp let you drive his car."

...so later on down the road we're just about to turn into our office when this jeep cherokee is tailing us as if we don't need our bumper anymore. dad slows it down as we're about to turn which pisses the jeep off futher sending her speeding around us and into the opposite flow of traffic. the older brother says "she must have killed 4 people cause her license plate reads 'Kap 4'."


the joys of being a part of my family. hahahaha

I was once misinformed about your intentions

will you stay or will you go?
will you leave me all alone?
or will you try to make things last?
tomorrow, found memories traced all along your back
your skin under my finger tips
take me back to there, yesterday
and today I can still taste you in my dreams
my lips licked dry to chapped and I remember
your words against my spine
your breath lingering on my neck
your eyes like soft serve
and I'm melting, water rolling down your throat
a foreign language making out with your tongue
do you see what I'm saying?
do you feel what I'm doing?
so will you go? or will you make it last?

I haven't done this in a w-h-i-l-e

n-y-c.
not sleeping.
getting lost.
traffic.
losing feeling in both my feet.
bug bites.
water fights.
friends with poisin ivy.
hot sauce.
photos.
central park.
being mistaken for the older sister.

I got something new

I probably looked really weird out there. doing--as my friends called it--the asian squat infront of the steps to the deck. a box of strike anywhere matches in one hand--the box lied, you couldn't strike those matches anywhere except on the side of the box--and two photos of my wonderful ex in the other. I wish this would really push me to the end of this process of getting over him.

"where are you going?" lily asked staring at her monitor

"I'm going to have a burning ceremony. you wanna participate?" I said as I took my socks off and put em on my seat

"that's not healthy. the fumes from burning photos I mean."

"I'm not going to inhale them man, just burn the photos." I said opening the sliding glass door leading out to the back yard.

damn is it a beautiful day. perfect for burning photos of your ex. or mine. I can burn photos of yours if you'd like me to.

once I realized you couldn't really strike these matches anywhere--I tried striking one on my zipper, lolo didn't appreciate that, she feared I sear her off haha, I tried striking one on the deck, no luck--I set out to do what I was risking my exposed skin to do--its the witching hour for bug bites--and see if I could get this over with.

it took 7 matches, almost burning down the deck, and that horrible smell of burnt paper on my fingertips until all I had were ashes--and no tears!--and memories I'll tuck away for reference when I want to write another paper about failed relationships.

I didn't see it, but he told my away message he loved me the next day--after I'd left that note on the windshield of his car--early in the morning when I was at work. I just don't understand any of it. I feel like I think of him and he doesn't think of me. I mean, how hard is it to dial my phone number to say hi or to type out a small email or im to see how I'm doing. I could be on my death bed wishing he was there holding my hand until I quietly slipped away and he would never know. because he doesn't care. at least I feel like he doesn't. that's what hurts.

its time to stop hurting. I need to stop asking myself why. asking him why. asking myself anything about he and I. we've been over for more than a year. if it wasn't for all the writing I love that came of this I'd wish I'd never laid eyes on him. ok, blantantly checked him out. I wish I'd never first talked to him and I'd never told him my number and I'd never kissed him and I'd never felt his arms hold me and I'd never heard him sing to me.

I've only heard him say "I love you" through my monitor. not even out of my speakers. so what was it. a test! I failed. but that's ok. I'll get to retake this test when I'm more prepared. in a different place with a different person in a different time when I'm too a different person.

or am I just telling myself all this and next week or tomorrow I'll wonder why he was the one I lost. why he didn't fight for me as hard as chris fought for doh. why didn't he make himself a spot in my life instead of just telling me every couple of months that he "loves" me?

let's see how I do with this. I'm ready to be done with this. I'm ready to see if I can love. because I want to. we all know I'm in love with love and this is the worst kind of in love to be because I have yet to find someone I feel I can share this love with and its slowly driving me crazy.

so, thank you.
and good bye.