cold feet. that's what this is about.

I'm starving in chicago.
mom told me it's not normal for a girl to stay at a guy's house.
what century is this? I understand where she's coming from though.
we're meeting up with warm weather in this blistery cold place.
I think chicago neglected to realize it's SUMMER. what the eff?
of course, me being s-m-a-r-t I brought flip flops and t-shirts.
at least I remembered my jeans. we're going to see if we can find me some cheap shoes.
and socks. socks too. they would be really nice.
of course, it's supposed to rain. WHY? WHY GOD WHY? not that he has anything to do with this crappy ass windy stupid city.
actually, if it were warmer I'd really like this city. I'd consider moving here.
IT'S SO HIP. chicago is the city richmond will never be.

timmeh is the shit. tres cool. we're going to do something about this food.
ah, food. speaking of which we went to this place called handlebar.
NO MEAT IN THE ENTIRE JOINT. the closest we got to meat was my tuna steak sandwich
and timmeh and jake's "wheat meat" which should've been a sign to STAY THE EFF AWAY.
they got half way through. well jake did. after he declared that he doesn't like dry food.

hopefully today will bring us much more success.
IF ONLY THE SUN WOULD COME OUT AND THE TEMPERTURE WOULD RISE A GOD 20 DEGREES.
then everything would be aaaaaall better.

ps my phone is about to die. sorry mom, I can't call home. I love you!

crashing like yesterday's news

so I've come to the conclusion that valparaiso consists of fast food restaurants, faux fast food restaurants, and random buildings housing random businesses. I haven't felt this exhausted in a long time. oh the choice car in this area is the mini van or truck. sounds like nova to me. I'M NOT AT HOME ANYMORE what's going on?

we rolled in here at 6 this morning. we got lost. hah. let me stress lost. actually it wasn't so bad. our idea of a short cut is just much different than the rest of society's actually. it was their idea of a short cut. I just wan't paying attention.

I've already had my first "hipster" sighting. I always screamed in glee. or maybe it was horror. is richmond stalking me? wait, richmond isn't all that exists in this little world. but for 10 months it was my little world. my little world in this big little world in this bigger little world. I mean universe. or something.

oh, von dutch jeans, fit better than my blue cults, with long legs, 70% off. I'm sorry. the clothes whore in me is coming out. I WISH I COULD GET THEM. hah. silly me. I forgot I was broke. and any money I make goes to the holder of the purse strings or my wonderful sister.

actually, I feel at home. everyone has been so welcome and kind. and giving. I love it. I'm lucky.

ps I already miss you

I'm late

yeah, I have a little bit of a tan.


saturday night was a night for the patented finger to corner of mouth look


we tan together. it's so cute.


and lip biting. you tend to do that when you have your arms around a beautiful girl

I think I'll miss you tomorrow

or maybe in august when I come back.
to here where there isn't and now walked out on you.
so sorry it turned out this way. maybe we can try again.
but never. I think it's better that way.
I'll say hi to you with the wind at my back
hushing my voice through my phone.
static will silence you and that will be that.

the end.
without you.

singing and dancing to the tune of your death

I went to the beach last week


we had fun

excerpts from my little black book.

you think I'll be ok?
becareful that you don't fall
and what is it, echoes, that I find myself in thresholds of doors talking of pasts and futures next week
you'll never know where tomorrow will be
and you with it
held in the grip of shivering waves washing now into knowing
and then into pecks in parking lots
unexpected but not embarrassd
opportunity found in an unlikely impossible place.
two letters in a syllable.
sometimes it has to hurt.

I feel like nothing on earth.
I rang his bell
my question was answered
"where you at?"
and he would retort
"who yo name is?"
and then I would laugh
do a marilyn monroe flashing the world
let's run, shall we?
I've a craving insatiable by these masses.
you see? I like you.
a crush similar to an affliction
a pain in the eye
something of a double take or a smile that won't fade
not found this time though
but in the reflection of your eye
you know, I think I'll miss you tomorrow.

I am my name and my name is me. not just a mere word.
I think I started when I was little.writing about how I want to be together forever . it left me rereading the first page over and over again. the words and myself, each unaffected by the other. words soaked into a page left to fade before sights not registering on the radar.
again, just as before, I sit with my book as my companion. eagerly waiting for the tip of my pen to lovingly caress the fibers within its bindings. a better lunch date than anyone I could find wandering the streets. lonesome just like me, waiting for someone to hold me close, fill me up with love, always have me near by, tell me their deepest darkest seecrets, wear me to my spine, be amazed I can hold myself together still, lovingly finger through my pages rereading them thinking of what can go on the next line.
I'm not just blank pages though.

I've got to give it to you
we're the peanut gallery in life. spectating the sports who we are out of touch with what's really happening only able to comment on what we see. we've become such an online nation. a society of screen names and away messages. "well we've met but we haven't yet." searching in this wide expanse for ourselves in someone else. we used to know that other as a soulmate. time has turned that into a sole mate. lovers of long walks to the next bar, the next blind date, the next one night stand. waking to spent unrecognizable tangles of a body. we can't speak what we say or think who we are. it's all out of context once it's typed in the window and Enter drags us into words on a screen unsure of the phrasing, tenses, what are you trying to say?
we never talk anymore.

no one's on the air.
with the spring of green and rebirth of mother[s] nature, everyone is brought down, gasping for a life they can't see behind nature's fertility.


I'll leave this war to you.
strange dreams of seeing you from across.
I wave the strangeness away.
or how about riding around richmond on my orange beach cruiser.
you know, the one I don't have.
the reality of it all makes me second guess my dreams.
what is and what is not?
I hope for my sake you're not a dream.

I'm lost without you
if words could persuade you to love I would write a novel the critics would proclaim a guidline for success. I fear you would fall in love with the words, the ideas and not the reality I try to be.
songs can sing you to sleep. I wish my kisses could wake you before the sun ruins the image of a dream that you are to me

it's hard to find myself in this mess I've made

I saw him totally glance down when she asked him what he thought.
it wasn't a gradual gaze that slowly made it's way to sugars and spices.
it was a look down and look up so no one notices.
but I did. and you didn't say anything. and I don't care. cause I love my ladies.
size doesn't matter. really. I'm not just trying to convince myself either.
and yes. yes I am vain. I'm going to a dermatologist this weekend.
I can't stand seeing in reflections what I can't fix. and I want there to be an x in reflections for some reason.
I saw him. my little shy mujitsu. I gave him a kiss from my lips to his cheek via my finger tips.
he's not ready for the real thing. he wasn't when I let him try that the first time. le sigh.
so dear to my little heart. everything's little to me. the world isn't so big! it's just a little big.
I'll continue with the notes. even after I run out of index cards and red sharpie markers.
man sharpie markers do not agree with my sense of smell.
and my throat. man my throat. it's sore. like a bitch (how is that?). I have lady grey green tea
and I have this cronic cough. SARS. anyone want some? I'll cough on you for 5$
cause I need $$$. and yet somehow I'm getting my haircut. I want a white girl fro.
I think I could do it. I just need it a little shorter. oh wish me luck. maybe I'll just shave my head.

and man. tonight was a little traumatic. cats in streets some how hit by a phantom vehicle and left to die in the street. I'm not the best at dealing with death or the prospects of death. I'm alive. that's all I can deal with. I don't know. I have a shitty point of view I guess. I'm going to hell. but stacey ran to see what she could do. then stacey and I followed. we all went to the emergency vet uptown in the cary to see what we can do.

"well. it could cost you --starting at-- 500$ if you want to save the cat and keep it. but how it works here. well see if we can save the cat, we patch it up and give it to the pound. if we can't we "humanely" euthanizes it. you can call the pound and ask about the cat and get it that way. but there's no other way."

uuuuum. well at least we think the cat is going to survive. he was a fighter. that was only his third life. he has several more chances before he goes to kitty heaven which is a giant litter box. man that would be the shit. until you stepped in it. cats are ocd about being clean like that. and licking your paws? after you stepped in your own shit? or some other cats shit? but fuck, you'll be dead. it's not like you'll have organs. or need to shit. or eat. or be. man. thinking about it, heaven sounds pretty fucking boring. I mean, being an angel, you get a fucking harp, an ugly gown, some stupid fucking halo that'll singe my curls, and I get to float around and shit. how effing boring would that be? but that's just that idealized made up place that's supposed to make us feel comfortable about death.

I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of my breathing becoming labored. difficult. I'll feel my heart beat slow down underneath my shrunken shriveled breast. my eyes will slide closed, a tear escaping after my last breath passes my lips. and I'm gone. I'm not worried about who will miss me. when I'm dead that won't matter to me. I'll be dead. I hope no one misses me when I'm dead. I wouldn't want people to be sad when I'm gone. I would want them to be happy. they have a life to live. go on, do that shit. you're good at it. do what you know. I freak out when I'm short of breath. when I can't take a deep breath. then I realize if I keep freaking out I'll accidently suffocate myself or something insane like that. so I force myself to calm down.

it's all in my head.

all of it. it's kind of sad. it's kind of amazing. all that in this tiny little place. ah the imagination.

I hope I never lose myself.

you owe me a little time.