I can't run away from you

this one looks weird but oh well




and new shoes!


and holes in my pants ): it's difficult taking photos of one's ass.

it's not always that easy

I can handle this.

waiting. the story of my life.



here's my favorite 22$ investment in a while


I almost fell off a bridge. I would have called it jumping.


now this person. I've known him for years. he knows me better than he lets on.
he's my family in the midwest. an amazing person. I miss him even when I don't know it.
I will miss him the most when I leave this place.


he made me do this a lot for the first time in what felt like forever
[except for when my family calls then I laugh and smile like I've never done it before]


oh no! the sun is setting! look at that sun set. but only we can see it.


then I had to leave. and I was supar early for the train. plus it was warm


the little fat noisy kids are begging for silence. for the rest of their lives.

I hope we don't forget.

I hate all these stupid little tests. stop believing in me. tell me what to do. I can't decide for myself. sometimes. I think. I really should've been born a boy. those little cute japanese doctors should have been right. are you there yet? safe with your new found. I remember you promised you'd call. promises broken and I would never do that to you. my word is more to me than simple hearsay. nay say. don't say that. she said that last night. yes. yes it's true. it's you. I was talking about you. nothing bad slash mean slash negative no I wasn't slandering your pretty name. grace oh so pretty of face. and words. plenty of them to go around. I'm sorry dearest jen my sweet lover I left at home that my jumbled mumble bumble thoughts make you lose your concentration. loose what holds you back. I worry about you. sometimes. and I still want to punch him in the face. or the throat. I don't want to hear any of his bullshit assface fucking lies for excuses. because he can't say anything to save you from the tears I dried for you. his mothercrackwhoring shoulder wasn't there when you needed someone to hold your smart pretty little head up. so eff what isn't worth you. because you're worth it too. and so much more. not just a corporation that my beautiful milla used to work for. OH BUT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY ON MY TWENTY ONE. I'm not excited. honest. not as much as I am about leaving. did I tell you? I can't count. 18 days. weekends don't count because I'm spending the remainder of them amongst the jungle of mass consumption of our wonderful society which I was told is on a serious trip and downfall all because women became liberated in the 60's or 70's--he couldn't decide which--and men lost their place in the family and their identity so they turned to porn, drinking, infidelity, and other wonderful forms of abuse to fill the empty void they felt in their middle. man what the fuck do men know about empty voids in their middle you bullshitting mother fuckers! well. not quite all of you. I've been lucky enough to find some of the true to heart and metrosexual handbooks. my boss not being one of them. but he's not really such a bad guy. honest. in the "heat of the moment" I blow up and I don't even know what I'm saying. "horrid bastard WALKED three blocks to the bar and let me starve to death at the office." or "he TOLD me he was going to come back and get me so I could take photos too and three hours later I get fed up with working with naught a call" or "[insert other thing he did to let me down]". see? not such a bad guy. damn good at what he does. hah! ah yes, so I found out. when I leave, as luck would have it, that's when all the photography will start to happen. all the beautiful magic I miss so much. I'll have something to show you monday though. I'm running off with a nice eye piece. something to capture how I truly see everything. if only I could say how I see everything. speaking of saying. all those lines no one likes "it's not you. it's me." or "there's someone else." they must be said. I so want to just button up and hide under a rock. can't. we. just. press an off button? and then those feelings are no more? ah if only life were so easy and there was a pause, rewind, fast forward, and delete button in life. just to help us out a little. I can't figure it out. so I call mom for a little help. who wouldn't? mom is THE MASTAH--and most of you won't get this but--who runs barter town? MOMBLASTER--and then laughter ensues. cause mom is the best. yours. mine. I know it won't feel weird to be "back here" because I miss it so and I'm told it misses me. not always do I love it when people lie to me. I don't need to though because no one is. so it all works out in the end. haha. now try to make sense of this and that. *does a little shoulder shake and foot shuffle*

let's go dancing.

fading fast

sing it to me.

she found me one day. staring straight through the wall. her. "I've got to listen. break away." living. every day. the same ol' same ol'. speaking, she did, try. to say, "I'm here for you." she was on fire. I was afraid of burning myself. then he came along. and no and then. then he came along. there he was. whoa repeat. always there somewhere in the back, the forefront of my mind. waiting. you're patient? I'm patient. A. inpatient. fed special things. preprocessed. it doesn't agree with me. Fog over my eyes. I see. I'm sick. always. there he was. three years feels so short. three months feels so long. three weeks? talk about a life time. but I'm a patient. so patient. waiting. always. there he was. I wonder. "are you nonexistent? figments of my imagination." that's the truth. the little bit that I can handle. "you're just confused." he said. he spoke. always. there he was. something about pagers and numbers. I heard him. I felt him. I hated. I love. always. there he was. a distance. a distant look. over past the horizon when the sun is rising. setting. tomorrow. this self inflicted abuse. maybe. I'll end. with a photo. steal my soul. it's not about mates or dopplegangers. it's about ganging up. on myself. I'll win you over. a prize at the fair from the booth with the rings and the water guns and the cans and girls with stars in their eyes. staring. right through me. seeing you hiding with in. I can't move on. away. to you. always. there he was. you. compressing yourself within me. against. my heart. crushed and broken. fists clenched. I feel you there. in my blood on the floor. like a puddle of rain. splish splash you're taking a bath. conflicted. always. there he was. so hard to hold onto. a fish. or my greased little pig. not without you will I go. refusing. "come here." you say. you spoke. speaking. in silence. to silence. always. so quiet. so. always. there he was. so far away. fingertips aching. forgetting three years ago. when I etched you into my skin. your name written all over me. "why is it always about you?" crying. unable to scream. always. there he was. why is it always about you? oh. because I love you. love. love. always. burning touches. in burning places. burning for you. yearning. it's not an itch. it's a cancer eating me up inside. always. before I met you. wrecked. I was. nothing. without. myself. realized. always. learning. realizing. I'm without you. moments. for only moments longer. always. a moment longer. always. there he was.

I forgot to show you

four more weeks

I went to the zoo today.


I wish the glare wasn't so harsh or I had used my flash [although I thought that would've been cruel of me].
the look on the monkey's face crushed me.