oh kate...

16 aug 4
oh hell. oh spite.
it's so hard to keep them in when they so badly want to come out and all I can do is stand by and watch. the want to take everything back, at this point, is of no importance. lost chances are that. as am I.

16 aug 4
oops
I got caught holding my breath and choked.

15 aug 4
there you are.
I. am. a stalker.
I found you.
right where I thought you were.

14 aug 4
it seems an eternity
I don't want to do this for myself anymore.
I want to do this for you.

13 aug 4
only when I get an arial view
I know he's out there.
he's right in front of me.

12 aug 4
stay close to me. I fear I'm forgetting you.
so possibilities of home fall through, I find myself landing back in the now and for the next three years. at the most. I wonder if I can take it anymore. not hearing your voice whispering in my ear, waking class early in the morrow in my eyes. blinking slowly so I don't miss a moment. without you when I'm finally ready to share my accomplishments. I've grown for you. for me. I'd rather show you, by my side, from my own eyes. for you to see. where I am waiting to go with you. when I call to tell you what must be I'll be ready for the dial tone and an empty never having existed mailbox silent of voices I repeated for you. day after day. hoping I could be for you. I believe going on will have to be saved for another day. for here I am in my stead quickly realizing I can go on. with my own two feet to take me take to the future where creations will soothe living out to and into even through and souls and soles will be used to it and know it as the back of their palm. reading the cards and how they were dealt. in my favor, which I have for you. that shall be when the time comes. soon but never soon enough. then, rapunzel will let down her long hair. and my imaginary prince charming will climb up to fill my empty embrace and live my little dream in the clouds where I've lost myself floating amongst the falling stars waiting to crash into reality and burn up the skies. igniting the passions within hiding patiently until then. hush now for sleep is upon the opportunity. in the rising there will be another.

5 aug 4
we can't stop
the house breathes in its sleep, I dream in its wake. strange dreams that only peek to the surface around this time of the month tease motions into the sheets and all I can do is go with it. late nights lead to late mornings and lack of showers due to bike rides in the early morrow to find the past. confusion but we weren't really sure anyways. the ice cream. ah. the ice cream. almost as good as the sushi. I think of home. sadly. happily. never really sure anymore. what if opportunities on the way side are more fruitful and long lasting than past ones which haven't been touched in years? time is playing the "hey. guess what? ...oh never mind." game and all I want it to do is tell me the truth.

...where do we go from here?

4 aug 4
I'm my me.
watch out
I'm over this
maybe it's just a fantasy
but it doesn't really matter
to me. to she. to you.
too late. goodbye truth.

3 aug 4
I'm coming home.
I had one last chance to see.
I closed my eyes turning away.
sight nothing but sad memories.
I thought I'd never say this
but for all those years we didn't get along.
wishes of pride dissipating in the new tomorrow
and stubborn drowning to apologize
as he sings "and I just hope they know."
me repeating "I want the best for them."
he whispering "I'm hardly there."
and I let go.
not to hold on this time.
I thought I could fix parts of me
with everything out of my grasp though
and bits and pieces lost in you and he
I couldn't help but drive blind crashing
there's nothing left to say. do. make.
I can't save me from myself.
I'm to blame. my sick cry for help.

29 july 4
it's an inside joke
and lumpy breasts for you.
waiting with a sighing breath
heaving in the moment
set aside
for when I next
see you

27 july 4
I can't count the ways...
I printed you out one day. almost drowning. you were just waiting to leave. letting go in whatever I found myself in. holding on to what wasn't there. breathing out what was left of myself in you. the next moment has gone digital. also waiting to be printed up. much more efficient than the traditional way of stealing souls. for a quarter and a nickel. of time. for an eternity of wonder lust and lustful wonderment. scribblings in a book. etchings of your face on a burning tree. how do you write about a girl. I don't know. imprinted images and broken record mysteries. stars in my eyes. little twinklings in yours, my little devil. stop the music.

16 july 4
I hope we don't forget
I hate all these stupid little tests. stop believing in me. tell me what to do. I can't decide for myself. sometimes. I think. I really should've been born a boy. those little cute japanese doctors should have been right. are you there yet? safe with your new found. I remember you promised you'd call. promises broken and I would never do that to you. my word is more to me than simple hearsay. nay say. don't say that. she said that last night. yes. yes it's true. it's you. I was talking about you. nothing bad slash mean slash negative no I wasn't slandering your pretty name. grace oh so pretty of face. and words. plenty of them to go around. I'm sorry dearest jen my sweet lover I left at home that my jumbled mumble bumble thoughts make you lose your concentration. loose what holds you back. I worry about you. sometimes. and I still want to punch him in the face. or the throat. I don't want to hear any of his bullshit assface fucking lies for excuses. because he can't say anything to save you from the tears I dried for you. his mothercrackwhoring shoulder wasn't there when you needed someone to hold your smart pretty little head up. so eff what isn't worth you. because you're worth it too. and so much more. not just a corporation that my beautiful milla used to work for. OH BUT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY ON MY TWENTY ONE. I'm not excited. honest. not as much as I am about leaving. did I tell you? I can't count. 18 days. weekends don't count because I'm spending the remainder of them amongst the jungle of mass consumption of our wonderful society which I was told is on a serious trip and downfall because women became liberated in the 60's or 70's--he couldn't decide which--and men lost their place in the family and their identity so they turned to porn, drinking, infidelity, and other wonderful forms of abuse to fill the empty void they felt in their middle. man what the fuck do men know about empty voids in their middle you bullshitting mother fuckers! well. not quite all of you. I've been lucky enough to find some of the true to heart and metrosexual handbooks. hah! ah yes, so I found out. when I leave, as luck would have it, that's when all the photography will start to happen. all the beautiful magic I miss so much. I'll have something to show you monday though. I'm running off with a nice eye piece. something to capture how I truly see everything. if only I could say how I see everything. speaking of saying. all those lines no one likes "it's not you. it's me." or "there's someone else." they must be said. I so badly want to just button up and hide under a rock. can't. we. just. press an off button? and then those feelings are no more? ah if only life were so easy and there was a pause, rewind, fast forward, and delete button in life. just to help us out a little. I can't figure it out. so I call mom for a little help. who wouldn't? mom is THE MASTAH--and most of you won't get this but--who runs batter town? MOMBLASTER--and then laughter ensues. cause mom is the best. yours. mine. I know it won't feel weird to be "back here" because I miss it so and I'm told it misses me. not always do I love it when people lie to me. I don't need to though because no one is. so it all works out in the end. haha. now try to make sense of this and that. *does a little shoulder shake and foot shuffle*

let's go dancing...

13 july 4
sing it to. me.
she found me one day. staring straight through the wall. her. "I've got to listen. break away." living. every day. the same ol' same ol'. speaking, she did, try. to say, "I'm here for you." she was on fire. I was afraid of burning myself. then he came along. and no and then. then he came along. there he was. whoa repeat. always there somewhere in the back, the forefront of my mind. waiting. you're patient? I'm patient. A. inpatient. fed special things. preprocessed. it doesn't agree with me. Fog over my eyes. I see. I'm sick. always. there he was. three years feels so short. three months feels so long. three weeks? talk about a life time. but I'm a patient. so patient. waiting. always. there he was. I wonder. "are you nonexistent? figments of my imagination." that's the truth. the little bit that I can handle. "you're just confused." he said. he spoke. always. there he was. something about pagers and numbers. I heard him. I felt him. I hated. I love. always. there he was. a distance. a distant look. over past the horizon when the sun is rising. setting. tomorrow. this self inflicted abuse. maybe. I'll end. with a photo. steal my soul. it's not about mates or doppelgangers. it's about ganging up. on myself. I'll win you over. a prize at the fair from the booth with the rings and the water guns and the cans and girls with stars in their eyes. staring. right through me. seeing you hiding with in. I can't move on. away. to you. always. there he was. you. compressing yourself within me. against. my heart. crushed and broken. fists clenched. I feel you there. in my blood on the floor. like a puddle of rain. splish splash you're taking a bath. conflicted. always. there he was. so hard to hold onto. a fish. or my greased little pig. not without you will I go. refusing. "come here." you say. you spoke. speaking. in silence. to silence. always. so quiet. so. always. there he was. so far away. fingertips aching. forgetting three years ago. when I etched you into my skin. your name written all over me. "why is it always about you?" crying. unable to scream. always. there he was. why is it always about you? oh. because I love you. love. love. always. burning touches. in burning places. burning for you. yearning. it's not an itch. it's a cancer eating me up inside. always. before I met you. wrecked. I was. nothing. without. myself. realized. always. learning. realizing. I'm without you. moments. for only moments longer. always. a moment longer. always. there he was.

there he is.

12 july 4
I'm never quite finished.
I'm taking my toes apart tonight to see you, walking yesterday up the downstairs out the exit, tripping sideways falling into you.
always into you.
stumbling through the day, dragging behind me worn words about being in love with you, emotions of thoughts dying to fall upon your ears waiting to be repeated in whispers on your lips bounced off the screen you read me on
bytes and pieces of me left laying around for you to put me back together so you can see that you've always had my heart in yours
so don't fall too hard when you do because you'll crush me under the weight of our love, enough to drown the world and all it's nothings and everythings that mean naught to me when I'm with you.

9 july 4
I'll always be waiting for you
I remember you. from way back when. a memory forgotten and by passed in the hallways of yesterday's nightmares. but tomorrow, maybe tomorrow, we'll see where we are and go from there onward into this media scripted lifestyle we live, crossing the lines and breaking the boundaries. what rules are there to be broken if that is not what ties us down, all but ourselves and our mental inhibitions holding us to the past we seem unable to runaway from. by closing our eyes. we'll finally see. and then you'll turn and say to me, "what-the-fuck am I saying? what-the-fuck are you saying?"

28 june 4
I could do anything.
solitude with you, alone time with love, but distance finds you away, hours until I get to find you lost in me and found on my lips just like your name whispered in my sleep, dreams like blankets and I cuddle closer to my memories of you.

tonight. I will sleep well.

21 june 4
retracing my steps...
hushed voices to sleep and missing fingers lost drying tears on a path from nowhere with nowhere in mind but a star on the map indicating your lips
home away from you is no man's land, especially mine
vacancies in my bed can only be filled by the one who fits and when the shoe does what is there left to do but walk back to my arms
forever and three years waiting to fold around your form and impress upon me now and stop these memories I'm left to live with in the meantime
but in the meantime I curl up against what I remember of you and dream of waking to your kiss

20 june 4
here's to falling in love young.
I'm watching you fall in love
it pains and saves me
knowing hands once held
will always be finger tips away
and smiles I thought lost
were found in reflections
sights and sounds I'd forgotten
repeat on my answering machine
"stop and play just never pause
because right now, you're so beautiful"
more so than that first moment
I fell a little bit
to this day when I still pick myself up
pieces in your way
parts of you I want to stay
so don't go too far
because when I need a reminder
I'll phone you and hear it on your lips
your breath whispering ever so softly
"love is such a beautiful thing
if only you had opened your eyes a moment gentler"
and I'll sigh, the one you know and thank you
yet again. because love. you're such a beautiful thing.

12 june 4
you say you don't listen to me
and now let's talk about falling apart in a foreign place with no where to go home
will you treasure me like a lost and found when I'm farther away from here?
moments will pass us by and I'll wonder if you did
or if I was to you a by the side little secret you laugh to your friends about
because you're so much more to me than "our song", the one we don't have
when the time comes will you be able to press rewind and live now over again
or then will you be far gone and on to the next conversation you don't hear
if I speak up will you listen? these words falling from silent lips
fingers reaching out and all I can say is a smile as I look away
when you can't feel what is there left to be but broken hearted
washed up and forgotten by myself...

11 june 4
being transmission
the sounds of sleep find me lulled into a peace accompanied by puddles playing of rain
a gentle rumble distances near by and here in this solitude I find besides myself with thoughts of you
just out of reach do my fingers stretch for you always and forever are we almost there
behind closed doors my eyes, in dreams, know reality and I wake wondering
what we are
with you, humanity is a flicker, the one before the power goes out
with me, alone, the silence covers with a blanket of tomorrow when maybe, I'll get to see you

7 june 4
a day or so ago whispered once
popping sounds of electricity jump down power lines in and out of audibility competing with the chirping of a bird in search of a mate to consume our hearing and fuel a thought

where are you going?
"where am I going?"
where am I coming from?
"where am I coming from?"

the answers don't think themselves up
opportunity sprung from the underbrush takes flight and a ride downtown finds our chi in order, wholesome and full speeding down the glass tracks waiting to break at the right frequency. a hum and a chirp in a world of silence.

a city finds me in her womb. dollars to my name, cold breaths driving a search for warm to bring feeling back to lost toes--but can a person be lost if they have no destination in mind?
for there is everywhere to go and I only want to go with you
home is by your side hours away from these towering humant hills. the workers teaming to live. living to die for a little more.

but not you and I.

I live for another moment with you. it's such a tease. being so close to you and a lifetime away. by my lonesome I could sit for times past and write novellas about the beautiful children we'll have, the winters we'll curl up infront of the fire. and how much I miss you. a little voice in the back of my mind whispers to me. singing me to sleep. sweet memories of you on repeat in my dreams. I'm tired of this rewind though. I'd like to play through fast forward where I'll stop in your arms.

2 june 4
I'm never sure anymore
it felt nice saying that didn't it.
let's go home...home.
and then we had a moment
with babies crossing the street
geese sheparding them
watching over young in down feathers
he kissed and told
the whole town knew I laughed
but I didn't care even when you said
then was it, when the time was wrong
and now, well... now will have to wait
the fall will find us away and back
but do I want to be found there?
far from your embrace
nearer to your words than ever before
I'm reading into the lines I draw for myself
you said yourself they need to be there
society needs to be told no
just so we have something to cross
is this an instance of that though?

I guess I'll never know.

1 june 4
they just aint no use
is the world out of touch with me?
or have I lost myself in this new place
this new situation scooping me up
flying me away to tomorrow
and there you are just barely out of my reach
letters and signals sent and sent back
returned to sender I sit here with unopened mail
unread thoughts and feelings
left to fade on blank paper

where was I when you didn't need me?

29 may 4
cold feet, that's what this is about
I'm starving in chicago.
mom told me it's not normal for a girl to stay at a guy's house.
what century is this? I understand where she's coming from though.
we're meeting up with warm weather in this blistery cold place.
I think chicago neglected to realize it's SUMMER. what the eff?
of course, me being s-m-a-r-t I brought flip flops and t-shirts.
at least I remembered my jeans. we're going to see if we can find me some cheap shoes.
and socks. socks too. they would be really nice.
of course, it's supposed to rain. WHY? WHY GOD WHY? not that he has anything to do with this crappy ass windy stupid city.
actually, if it were warmer I'd really like this city. I'd consider moving here.
IT'S SO HIP. chicago is the city richmond will never be.

timmeh is the shit. tres cool. we're going to do something about this food.
ah, food. speaking of which we went to this place called handlebar.
NO MEAT IN THE ENTIRE JOINT. the closest we got to meat was my tuna steak sandwich
and timmeh and jake's "wheat meat" which should've been a sign to STAY THE EFF AWAY.
they got half way through. well jake did. after he declared that he doesn't like dry food.

hopefully today will bring us much more success.
IF ONLY THE SUN WOULD COME OUT AND THE TEMPERTURE WOULD RISE A GOD 20 DEGREES.
then everything would be aaaaaall better.

ps my phone is about to die. sorry mom, I can't call home. I love you!

27 may 4
crashing like yesterday's news
so I've come to the conclusion that valparaiso consists of fast food restaurants, faux fast food restaurants, and random buildings housing random businesses. I haven't felt this exhausted in a long time. oh and the choice car in this area is the mini van or truck. sounds like nova to me. I'M NOT AT HOME ANYMORE what's going on?

we rolled in here at 6 this morning. we got lost. hah. let me stress lost. actually it wasn't so bad. our idea of a short cut is just much different than the rest of society's actually. it was their idea of a short cut. I just wasn’t paying attention.

I've already had my first "hipster" sighting. I almost screamed in glee. or maybe it was horror. is richmond stalking me? wait, richmond isn't all that exists in this little world. but for 10 months it was my little world. my little world in this big little world in this bigger little world. I mean universe. or something.

oh, von dutch jeans, fit better than my blue cults, with long legs, 70% off. I'm sorry. the clothes whore in me is coming out. I WISH I COULD GET THEM. hah. silly me. I forgot I was broke. and any money I make goes to the holder of the purse strings or my wonderful sister.

actually, I feel at home. everyone has been so welcome and kind. and giving. I love it. I'm lucky.

ps I already miss you

26 may 4
this is a statement for the masses
don't take me personally
I told you richmond was too small.
maybe I'll get lost in chi-town and never come home.
no one will miss me though, so that's ok.
I might like it there better.
I'll keep you updated with photos and words to follow.
or not. if I have time. I don't know.
what I do though, is that you won't be missed.
love man! that's love. <333

26 may 4
I'm not doing this for you.
belgian waffles at 6:45 in the morning, a good celebration for a going away and a going on
today, it's one of my creators birthday's, I started singing in jubilation and then decided against it
I had that patented "I just woke up" voice, the one that tells you I should keep sleeping
but there's no way to refuse belgian waffles, dressed up in a strawberry glaze, smothered in whipped cream
well with the added fact that this is something of a last meal, for two and a half months anyways
but time is time and soon I'll be back, enjoying more than just belgian waffles
I'll always come home for the food. even after I've learned to cook as well as mom, I'll still come home.

24 may 4
oh...kate
so it seems after noon finds me on my way away from here.
home, a distant memory and tomorrow waiting for me.
I'm glad you're as patient as the Is
if you read well you would know what I'm saying
what you're hearing, does it make you think of me?
I'll miss you while I'm far from these places without you
the feeling of your hand and your lips
a faint but true memory I won't let fade from my cheek
keep in touch. don't let me forget you.

23 may 4
happiness
I told someone once, I like to settle.
I laughed when I realized I'd just spoken a lie.
I don't. can't. I refuse to let myself settle.
I'm preparing for a move. I reached out to let someone know.
now he does and maybe later. later we can try again.
maybe in two and a half years. and counting. we'll see. when we do.
so this move, everything about it, hasn't quite hit.
I've packed up my home away from home. oh richmond.
everything is piled up in the hallway.
what does it mean when "my life" fits in a bunch of paper bags?
well minus caleb. he's sitting in the basement. waiting patiently for me.
hah. I wish the boy I love[d] would do that for me. wait. patiently.
it seems it's always me waiting. but that's ok.
I'm waiting for wednesday. I think I might cry. I might not.
throw everything in the van and hours [about 10 or 11] later
the windy city an hour north east of me will beckon
I'm ready for my first summer away from home.
so far. so far. so far I'm letting it sink in.
I'm a little afraid. hehe.

22 may 4
please sir, may I have some more?
I read it wrong
it took a little time
to wipe the fog from the mirror
words revealed in the mist
truth shown in their disappearance
maybe it's there
I think I can taste it.
I kind of want some more.

20 may 4
I think I'll miss you tomorrow
or maybe in august when I come back.
to here where there isn't and now walked out on you.
so sorry it turned out this way. maybe we can try again.
but never. I think it's better that way.
I'll say hi to you with the wind at my back
hushing my voice through my phone.
static will silence you and that will be that.

the end.
without you.

17 may 4
from dreams I come
let me let you go.
it's so much easier this way.
I can't hurt you from a distance.

16 may 4
that's what I thought
but I do have quite a bit to say.
in sights I will whisper later.
I think I'm going back home.
I've been and missed for too long.
I'll have no more of this.
take me back. don't let go.

sometime between now and then

you think I'll be ok?
be careful that you don't fall
and what is it, echoes, that I find myself in thresholds of doors talking of pasts and futures next week
you'll never know where tomorrow will be
and you with it
held in the grip of shivering waves washing now into knowing
and then into pecks in parking lots
unexpected but not embarrassed
opportunity found in an unlikely impossible place.
two letters in a syllable.
sometimes it has to hurt.

I feel like nothing on earth.
I rang his bell
my question was answered
"where you at?"
and he would retort
"who yo name is?"
and then I would laugh
do a marilyn monroe flashing the world
let's run, shall we?
I've a craving insatiable by these masses.
you see? I like you.
a crush similar to an affliction
a pain in the eye
something of a double take or a smile that won't fade
not found this time though
but in the reflection of your eye
you know, I think I'll miss you tomorrow.

I am my name and my name is me. not just a mere word.
I think I started when I was little. writing about how I want to be together forever . it left me rereading the first page over and over again. the words and myself, each unaffected by the other. words soaked into a page left to fade before sights not registering on the radar.
again, just as before, I sit with my book as my companion. eagerly waiting for the tip of my pen to lovingly caress the fibers within its bindings. a better lunch date than anyone I could find wandering the streets. lonesome just like me, waiting for someone to hold me close, fill me up with love, always have me near by, tell me their deepest darkest secrets, wear me to my spine, be amazed I can hold myself together still, lovingly finger through my pages rereading them thinking of what can go on the next line.

I'm not just blank pages though.

I've got to give it to you
we're the peanut gallery in life. spectating the sports who we are out of touch with what's really happening only able to comment on what we see. we've become such an online nation. a society of screen names and away messages. "well we've met but we haven't yet." searching in this wide expanse for ourselves in someone else. we used to know that other as a soul mate. time has turned that into a sole mate. lovers of long walks to the next bar, the next blind date, the next one night stand. waking to spent unrecognizable tangles of a body. we can't speak what we say or think who we are. it's all out of context once it's typed in the window and Enter drags us into words on a screen unsure of the phrasing, tenses, what are you trying to say?
we never talk anymore.

no one's on the air.
with the spring of green and rebirth of mother[s] nature, everyone is brought down, gasping for a life they can't see behind nature's fertility.

I'll leave this war to you.
strange dreams of seeing you from across.
I wave the strangeness away.
or how about riding around richmond on my orange beach cruiser.
you know, the one I don't have.
the reality of it all makes me second guess my dreams.
what is and what is not?
I hope for my sake you're not a dream.

I'm lost without you
if words could persuade you to love I would write a novel the critics would proclaim a guideline for success. I fear you would fall in love with the words, the ideas and not the reality I try to be.
songs can sing you to sleep. I wish my kisses could wake you before the sun ruins the image of a dream that you are to me.

5 may 4
yeeeeeaaaaah so...
why didn't anyone ever tell me I'm not a sweet girl?

4 may 4
it's hard to find myself in this mess I've made
I saw him totally glance down when she asked him what he thought.
it wasn't a gradual gaze that slowly made it's way to sugars and spices.
it was a look down and look up so no one notices.
but I did. and you didn't say anything. and I don't care. cause I love my ladies.
size doesn't matter. really. I'm not just trying to convince myself either.
and yes. yes I am vain. I'm going to a dermatologist this weekend.
I can't stand seeing in reflections what I can't fix. and I want there to be an x in reflections for some reason.
I saw him. my little shy mujitsu. I gave him a kiss from my lips to his cheek via my finger tips.
he's not ready for the real thing. he wasn't when I let him try that the first time. le sigh.
so dear to my little heart. everything's little to me. the world isn't so big! it's just a little big.
I'll continue with the notes. even after I run out of index cards and red sharpie markers.
man sharpie markers do not agree with my sense of smell.
and my throat. man my throat. it's sore. like a bitch (how is that?). I have lady grey green tea
and I have this chronic cough. SARS. anyone want some? I'll cough on you for 5$
cause I need $$$. and yet somehow I'm getting my haircut. I want a white girl fro.
I think I could do it. I just need it a little shorter. oh wish me luck. maybe I'll just shave my head.

and man. tonight was a little traumatic. cats in streets some how hit by a phantom vehicle and left to die in the street. I'm not the best at dealing with death or the prospects of death. I'm alive. that's all I can deal with. I don't know. I have a shitty point of view I guess. I'm going to hell. but stacey ran to see what she could do. then stacey and I followed. we all went to the emergency vet uptown in the cary to see what we can do.

"well. it could cost you --starting at-- 500$ if you want to save the cat and keep it. but how it works here. well see if we can save the cat, we patch it up and give it to the pound. if we can't we "humanely" euthanizes it. you can call the pound and ask about the cat and get it that way. but there's no other way."

uuuuum. well at least we think the cat is going to survive. he was a fighter. that was only his third life. he has several more chances before he goes to kitty heaven which is a giant litter box. man that would be the shit. until you stepped in it. cats are ocd about being clean like that. and licking your paws? after you stepped in your own shit? or some other cats shit? but fuck, you'll be dead. it's not like you'll have organs. or need to shit. or eat. or be. man. thinking about it, heaven sounds pretty fucking boring. I mean, being an angel, you get a fucking harp, an ugly gown, some stupid fucking halo that'll singe my curls, and I get to float around and shit. how effing boring would that be? but that's just that idealized made up place that's supposed to make us feel comfortable about death.

I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of my breathing becoming labored. difficult. I'll feel my heart beat slow down underneath my shrunken shriveled breast. my eyes will slide closed, a tear escaping after my last breath passes my lips. and I'm gone. I'm not worried about who will miss me. when I'm dead that won't matter to me. I'll be dead. I hope no one misses me when I'm dead. I wouldn't want people to be sad when I'm gone. I would want them to be happy. they have a life to live. go on, do that shit. you're good at it. do what you know. I freak out when I'm short of breath. when I can't take a deep breath. then I realize if I keep freaking out I'll accidentally suffocate myself or something insane like that. so I force myself to calm down.

it's all in my head.

all of it. it's kind of sad. it's kind of amazing. all that in this tiny little place. ah the imagination.

I hope I never lose myself.

2 may 4
I don't think we can pull this one off
I'm afraid one day I'll see you walking down the street and I'll cry out for you and want to so badly be by your side like I wasn't allowed to be back then. this makes me feel pathetic.

29 april 4
empty hands cold hearts warm lips
I would like to thank you for caring for me as I've never been cared for before. you held my hand. you rested your head on my shoulder. you smiled at me when I wasn't looking. you called just to say hi. just to hear me say your name. you saw instead of just looking. you made me feel as I've never felt before. more than butterflies. I think back to then. every little moment. with and without you. sometimes I think back to then and pout. why did I let you go? oh yeah. we're better off as friends. there are those fleeting moments when I hold my breath and bite my lip. I might have made a mistake. but. I guess I didn't since it's working out as it is. sometimes though, it doesn't feel like it worked out how it should've. regardless of everything I think and feel, thank you. I won't ever forget everything you did for me. did with me. if I could say more than words and show more than emotions shouting from my eyes I would paint you a memory you already have in mind. thank you. thank you

28 april 4
when can I let go?
I finished his ice cream for his birthday. that is love man. happy birthday. I meant to call you after the stroke of midnight and possibly wake you singing off key and obnoxiously loud that wonderful timeless happy birthday song we grow to hate more and more every year.

I don't know why I asked him what I did. of course I knew it was meant in a general strictly platonic sense. just like his hugs. or the way he looks at me. or speaks to me. yeah. silly me. at least I have a token of his "love"

loveoo loveoo

speaking of which. but not really. it was time for another visit to the kroger pharmacy. this time it wasn't her with the pretty red hair. she's german. not irish. it was the guy. I can't remember his name. but he was kind of cute. and man. when he told me the health insurance card I gave him said the card was inactive I thought all the blood had rushed to my face and faded from it all at once.

I hate that feeling. that feeling of utter embarrassment. realizing I don't have enough money. I said the completely wrong thing. I brought the wrong thing with me. it doesn't happen often. that feeling of embarrassment, but when it does, I just want to shrivel up and die. DIE DIE DIE. I thought I was sweating from every pore and steam was fuming from the top of my head.

I'm just glad I don't look how I feel.
inside and out. hoorj as he would say.

27 april 4
yoga in the shower
so I redressed my wound last night and was told not to let it get wet.

"you shower in the morning? well..... wrap it in cellophane or something. do anything to keep it dry. we will redress it for you in the morning."

do anything you say? anything. the cellophane idea just doesn't work in my mind. some how my dumbass would get water on, in, and under the bandage.

waking this morning I remember being half awake last night with both of my feet extended at the foot of my bed thinking, "hey, I can do releves. hooray! I can participate in ballet tomorrow!" however, coming to this morning, I can barely stretch my foot or point my toes. should I get a dr's note? meh. I'll just tell my teacher I'm sitting out. I'll read my little ballet book I got.

back to this shower. I thought I could just hide my right leg behind the shower curtain. I feel water running down my calf [not my baby cow fool] so I panic. I have a towel rod right next to the shower so I prop my foot up on that.

the whole shower.

talk about searing pain. I can't stretch like that.
but I had no choice. I need to shower.
I almost slipped and died at least 128937304237219802309238472397632409874509800000 times.

I hate mopeds. HATE4MOPEDS

26 april 4
now that I knew that I didn't know
I can't believe I was standing in the cereal aisle debating what kind of fucking cereal to get [yes. fucking is necessary in this context]. there are way too many "sugar bombs" and marshmellows on the markets to rot out children's teeth to cavities and dentures. I feel I'm a bit more "grown up" as I can't really stand eating cereal that's made to be consumed by kids who want to be hopped up on sugar. oooh the days of sugar highs. I got honey nut cheerios. the big box. yes cheer E ohs. they were the cheapest cereal that looked marginally tasty and edible.

although I remember that day two years ago I was craving some cheerios. I went down to the basement to get a box from the store [we have a bomb shelter in our basement, or as jason so lovingly called it "fucking sams club"]. the box wasn't opened and I couldn't remember how long they'd been there but there was stuff there that was far older and we still ate it. so I'm upstairs, bowl glistening in front of me, yearning, begging me to pour some cereal and then smother it in some silky cool milk. pookie is waiting just as impatiently so finally I tear at the box and pour. pouring goes well until I notice a few moths tumble out of the box and lay lifeless in my bowl of cheerios.

well. there goes that craving.

it gets better though. months later I have a craving for honey nut cheerios. I found a bag in a tupper ware container in the pantry upstairs. I pour the cereal into the bowl hesitantly, seeing no moths I pour the milk and dive in.

man does it taste good. I'd forgotten how good honey nut cheerios were. the slight taste of honey wasn't too overwhelming but it was enough to make the cereal more than enjoyable.

until I find a moth swimming in the spoonful of milk and honey nut cheerios destined for my mouth.

MOTHER FUCKER. I JUST CAN'T WIN.

if the box I just bought has any moths in it I will fucking lose it.

the end.

25 april 4
this is how the night should have ended
la la la
so I was leading the moped gang and then when my bike slipped out of my grasp I reached for the seat and fell burning myself like never before. photos later kids. I saw him. pouting lips hiding in a smile. his eyes gazing upon me like a lazy savannah afternoon, I thought a breeze was blowing across the room and only I felt it. and then just as quickly as I felt that breeze there he was no longer standing against the door post looking in my direction but gone.

"it was nice meeting you."

I've seen you around though. on campus. in the library. in my dreams I'll say this is different. and maybe it is this time. maybe it was last time. I never know. I never do until it's too late. and maybe it is.

but fuck does this hurt. a searing pain right above my right ankle. I should take photos now before it's enflamed and fucked looking. yes. someone fucked my ankle. a boy throwing a party who remembered what class we had together. his intentions and motives were purely hormone driven whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich. is not my jam.

but I did have fun. love love love. I do. you. love.

oh and of course, my horoscope lied... although a boy tried to prove it wrong and all he got was me burning myself on his moped. *cries

23 april 4
we rolling?
so I think it might be a just friends kinna thing and that's cool.
talk talk talk and all I could was smile. but I was so tired. you know?
what can I say. either way it's a win. he always has so much to say.
I feel dizzy. the room isn't spinning. my brain is. it's running circles in my skull.
mantras of "sleep" repeated in each revolution. yes, darling, I'll meet you there.
I...IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...I'm ok with it.

*smiles

20 april 4
all I need is a night's rest
I'm burning up inside knowing the future is holding back possibility.
I want to take her out back and give her the 411
if only she were a little scrawny thing, smaller than I, and able to listen and learn
it's my own fault for wanting this so badly. see? see? I do do this all the time.
I know I do it and yet and yet... I don't know. I'm repeating myself.
my back is burned and my spine is bending the wrong way.
if you asked me to, I would do everything within my power
but you're nice. too nice. looking out for yourself. looking out for me.
damn you tomorrow, damn you. I hate you. I don't want to but I do.

I accidentally got suntan lotion instead of sun block not lotion
but it was only 5$ and everything else was 10298324874$
I was tempted to get aloe but bread is more important
I'm going to look like the grandson from the triplets of belleville when I get home.
all bone and muscle. please please please give me that body massage, just like the one in the movie.

I finally registered for classes today. I want him to too. so we can be in the same classes.
so I can be around him all the time. I tell him time and time again. I need to shut up.
I want to continue on with dance. and I'm looking at fashion and interior design

I feel like this is a long boring email that no one is going to read

I never do updates like this though. so why not one once in a while, huh?

my fucking u-lock broke today. I was about to be late to see my advisor.
my advisor who wasn't even busy. thankfully yesterday I'd met a friend of my baby and she watched my bike for me today while I ran around with my head cut off.

the rental office was closed. I'm going to call and bitch. FOO WHY HAINT YOU OPEN?!

he was nice. my advisor guy. he too doesn't like math. I should take math over the summer he said. hah.
HATE4MATH

I biked. hah. in my mini skirt. of course. maybe I will get a photo of this for you guys. how though, I'm not sure yet. I got a new u-lock. it's shiny and better. the guy who sold it to me who told me he knows nothing about u-locks. well the one I showed him at least. he said I would never need to buy another one. I better not. this bitch cost me a week's worth of grocery shopping

I need a hair cut

and I applied at glass and powder skate and board shop. I need a job so badly. I feel so terrible that I'm living on my own and still so fucking dependant on my parents. I feel so pathetic. I remember in high school I felt quite the opposite. I didn't feel bad that I depended on my parents so much. they have so much on their minds , then I didn't care, now it drives me crazy. I want to not have to be such a burden to my parents. I'm old enough to be able to take care of and provide for myself. at least I should be. but I'm not. I'm working on that though. it makes me feel sick and want to cry.

maybe that's just the exhaustion though.

I love my parents. I wish I could express this to them without sounding like a kiss ass. I think tomorrow I will call my mom. she said to me over the weekend "I was thinking of calling myself just so my phone would ring since no one else calls me." I love my mom. she's so adorable. my dad emailed me. and so did my aunt. my family rocks. I'm so lucky.

I feel like this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever posted in my lj before. but too bad.

no one is going to read it anyways. hell when I post stuff I think is cool, that's not a photograph, no one comments. SUCKO. thank you my asian invasion.

yeah, thank you my asian invasion. and daddy's little girl. and the golden child. and maux-maux. and vieve. AND ALL MY OTHER BOOS WHOM THIS SHOUT OUT IS GOING TOWARDS. but not you bitches who rub me the wrong way or don't rub me at all. HATE4YOU. just like the math.

I'm kidding. I don't hate. I just dislike with the burning intensity of ten thousand dying suns.

I saw an elephant in the sky today. well a cloud shaped like one. this boy across the street was looking up my skirt. all he saw was my black bootie shorts. lameo. *le sigh

my exhausted mind is telling me to give up on boys. one day I'll bump into him and then it'll be happily ever after after that

sike.

when do I get to stop living in this shitty fantasy land?

I don't want to quit but I want to keep going.

for now, I'm going to bed. AND YES. I didn't shower before bed time.
mmmmmmmm smelly kate.

20 april 4
disclaimer: don't think this is what you think it is.
...ok maybe a little.
I don't want to never love at all.
I met a boy one day
"I would like to marry him"
I thought
and I did
think[ing]
"spend every day staring at the sky in his eyes, swimming in the blue sun. winters would feel like summer and summer would feel like spring. birds and the bees...
but that's not really it."
smiling in between thoughts
--the birds and the bees I mean--
something in the peripheral vision of the heart
there it is hiding in blind spots
I spin faster and faster hoping I can catch a glimpse
"what is it hiding within?"
biting my lip does help me reach something
"that deep dark abyss I try so hard to understand
what are you trying to tell me?
what have I always blocked myself from..."
so I closed my eyes one day
opening them to him
because there he was
when I walked around the corner
smiling in a crowd of strangers
but he, he always stuck out like a sore thumb
slammed in a drawer when I'm distracted by thoughts of him
although I try not to let that happen too often
but I can't help by wa[o]nder
with him or the imaginings in mind
because there is so much I would like to do [with him]
but I don't want to let myself get carried away [maybe it's too late]
so I told myself
"go ahead and call the kettle black
just don't set it on the back burner
forever playing what if
because the cards are dealt
and all there is to do is to play them
so do what you can in the now
but realize this isn't just a game
affairs of the heart are ever lasting
and we all know, games are so high school."
I laugh at little
a lot
at myself. maybe it's my time.
I'm waiting for it.
"I don't mind pain if it feels this good."

18 april 4
I can't. I can't. I...
do me a favor and tell me
am I falling for no reason?
maybe this is the world getting back at me
or maybe you're just as afraid as I am
I wish I wish I wish
repetition
you would speak, talk, whisper
say something.
disprove or approve
this is tearing me up inside

I know how it feels.

17 april 4
honesty is key
admittance to fears
or rather
the swallowing of them to admit
that which is consuming
a small burning fire
flames of words
searing truth on my tongue
repeated words
thoughts rewound in mind
instead of thinking now
"I wish I had said that then"
I accepted that I'm scared
absolutely terrified
to tears in fact
it's a trust issue I think
if it is, it's a difficult one
how do you trust
that which you don't understand
I want to understand though
so I'll go with this
and see where it takes me

I want to go there with you

13 april 4
make it stop
I've been saying things you can't see
or hear because you don't listen
I've been telling you this for months
days
ok only seconds
actually I haven't the courage to speak
I watch you walk by, slipping through my fingers
like a greased pig I can't catch you
there you go smiling your day away
a shadow in the shade you block the clouds from your eyes
I don't understand
why you do this to yourself
why don't you let me let you laugh
maybe I can teach you love
help you love me as I love you
but this
all of this
I'll never be able to tell you
I'll only think back to now and wish
"I should've closed my eyes when I was staring at the sun."

6 april 4
lock the door on your way out
it's a jam that's not for every one darling. not everyone believes the same thing. but you know that. I've come to the conclusion that the one "constant" in my life, and it's not just one actually, are taxes, change, death, and I can never remember the fourth. I can always depend on change and myself and the fact that I have to adapt or evolve or else I'll be left behind. I have to fight to keep up. I have to keep going, always changing, always someone a little different, a little new tomorrow. as for god. or God I mean. I don't know. it's hard for me to explain but I don't feel like there's anything personal in it and yet I want to say (I find buddhism interesting) buddhism is more personal and yet whatever religion one believes, God is as personal to them as they make him. I think it's all in our heads, God is in our head. we make him what we want him to be. we make him what we want him to be to us, what we want him to mean to us. the same thing with ourselves. we make ourselves whom we want ourselves to be.

I say it over and over again. it's a state of mind. it's all in our heads. we doubt how powerful our minds are. I read a book once. it said to me, well I read it but it did feel like it was speaking to me, but it said "Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are your own." I repeat that to my friends all the time. to the silence around me. to myself. I can overcome anything if I put my little mind to it.

but then. but then I wonder, if I tell myself I'm happy, am I really? or is it a lie? is it all a lie?

...is it all a lie?

5 april 4
running scared
begin to breathe
lost breaths
darkness within
silence without
I'm with you
wherever you go
this straining
why do I cry
can't you care
shooting stars
drive me home
because you don't
you smile
you don't see
the world doesn't matter
when I'm with you
but I'm not
this is so embarrassing
eff pride
I need a map
to your heart
for all time
there's no more

1 april 4
you don't love me at all
I almost lit myself on fire
god damn did it feel good

30 mar 4
this is directed towards you
I wish I was one of your close friends.
one of the ones you keep in your breast pocket
one of the ones you find in the ass of your jeans
just before you do a load of laundry
like a tissue set aside for safe keeping
you know "just in case"
cause just in case the ground falls from beneath your feet
just in case your knees give under the pressure of the world
resting heavily upon your shoulders
there I am to catch you, hold you, care for you
there I am to remind you you're strong
there I am to remind you I've always been here
standing on the sidelines watching you drag yourself around
drag yourself down
down to their level, the one you left me on
standing by the guidelines
every one you've read and not followed
but there you are drowning yourself in a cocktail of sorrows and spirits
we all know this isn't something you can fix with a kiss
but someone has to wake you from this nightmare you're slumbering in
so give me your lips and let me whisper these reassurances against your breath
maybe a touch can lead you back to here and now
where I'll always be waiting for you.

...I lost my train of thought hours ago.
derailed by a flicker in the corner of my eye
wherever I was going I only got half way there

29 mar 4
don't let this stop. don't let this fade away.
it feels like I'm choking inside
my smile makes the feeling grow
and god damn does it feel good

he reached out and touched me
I read his words in his eyes
got lost along the way
somewhere on the second page
I remember when
I'm surprised he doesn't

and then I saw him
my little scenester
ready to ride away from opportunity
I wonder if he has a clue
a little grease some misspelled words
I hope you know what I'm trying to say

I want to sit outside
but the clouds are smothering the "spring fest"
didn't you get the memo?
spring is so last week.

I don't want to tell you how it is
we're not ready for that yet
we're not at that stage in our relationship
I like it how we are now
comfortable
it feels right this way anyways
scorpios are supposed to be mysterious
I have even myself always guessing
isn't it more fun that way?

16 mar 4
remembering you, how you used to be...
I saw you walking down the street lost in the background noise found in the voices in your head telling you the obvious so you can state it for the rest of us, that which we can't see for ourselves. there was a look on your face I couldn't see, your eyes downcast, looking through the ground no longer beneath your feet. because you remembered a memory that was pieced together in a dream last night you didn't remember upon waking that had you searching in vain for baby photos to smile at and imagine someone had once cooed at you. there was something in your gait I noticed in the side view mirror as we flew past you. not quite the world weighting your back into mother earth but your mind weighting you down. heavy in your skull dragging you to the ground. the moon and stars blacked out by the lights just above eye level washing away any semblance of nature. holding your hand as you blindly wander down these paths in life. you can't see where you're going until you look but fear makes you blink so fast you miss the opportunity that was "it". whatever it may be. it. not like the movie.
I'm not afraid of you.
but maybe I am.
afraid.
of myself.

7 mar 4
we're not going anywhere
I'm reading a book.
it made me blink as I was sitting there in my bathroom
(yes. I have a book shelf next to my toilet)
"everything has its right home, the region that suits it, and, unless forcibly restrained, will move thither by a kind of homing instinct. but how will I find my 'right home', that house not built with hands, unless I am in my right mind? every day, in my consultancy, I meet men and women who are out of their minds. that is, they have no the slightest idea who they really are or what it is that matters to them. the question 'how shall I live?' is not one I can answer on prescription." - art & lies jeanette winterson

I know the answer isn't in a book.
but maybe it can help lead my mind to one.

7 mar 4
I've said it before... I hate having to say it again.

this is letting go to hold on.

...thank you. I won't forget you.

7 mar 4
this place, I'm defending inside...
so I stood there for a little while
(only a little one for fear of running out of hot water)
letting the water that was a little too hot run my waterproof mascara down my cheeks
on the backs of these tears that finally found their way out
after having hidden themselves within for too long
I remember every month I used to have at least on good cry
can't bottle up whatever's inside
I'll just drive myself crazy
(like I am now)
I hate having to be so P.C.
I hate having to "be"
for society
I'm not myself so you can judge me and tell your friends all about the faults you think you've picked out of me
speak of myself
I'm not myself
I used to laugh differently, speak differently, be differently
now I fear I'm different just like everyone else
is that what growing up is all about?
fitting in, joining the crowd, being all I can be within all these boundaries society has set up
is growing up about losing... forgetting our innocence?
is this what the inevitability of change is like for everyone?
or just me?
I want to throw away these demons eating me up from within
these voices silently screaming in my confused mind
I need to sort through and find that little girl I once knew
I miss her. we used to have such good times together
my perceptions and interpretations of this reality, this real world
has scared her into hiding
it's just not the same without her
this is my own battle though
only I can support myself. only I can cheer myself on. only I can bring her back out to play in the sun.
growing up, does it have to be this painful? this difficult?

7 mar 4
why do you do this to me?
I feel so out of control.
like I had coffee or something.
I... I want to scream, I want to cry a lot. I want to ..I want to fight someone.
I'm catapulting through right now waiting to crash into the wall
flying through the brick so fast pain doesn't register
my mind already shattered on the rock bottom
I feel like my eyes should either be rolled back looking out the back of my skull
or wildly around the room trying to find where those voices are coming from
SPEAK UP. I can't hear you. I won't listen.
I know what you're saying. I've said it so myself.
don't talk to me anymore. don't talk to me.
I don't want to hear your voice.
I need a little silence right now.
this ringing in my ears is killing me.

I'm not myself.

6 mar 4
vague reflections
I saw myself the other day
blinking curiously back
rippling in a puddle I'd gotten lost in

"do you know me?" I asked the visage
faintly smiling up at me
"ask yourself that silly."

I thought I'd drown for a moment
but then I laughed and said
"man. that girl is crazy."

2 mar 4
please sir, can I have some more?
most of us are [-t--v-ng-rt-st-]
[-age-]
in a society we have an amazing love/hate relationship with
only capable of moving forward
but what is forward we ask?
[--morrow]
our fight against "the man"
remain small and hidden [-oo-]
day by day [-ad---]
wondering what art will be tomorrow
[cense----]
we all put on [-mile--]
and masks in the hopes that it will fake our fellows
citizens in a dying culture
[--ried]
soon it won't just be our meager lives
[-ass---] before our blind eyes
we're told by (our) big brother [-o]
now is not the time.
(when is the time then, brother?)
all we can do is bide our time
always waiting
[w---pers-]
[-un-ous--irro--]
distrorted visions haunt us in our waking
sleep a restort where we hide in dreams
a safe haven where we can hide from this
[spon--neous----------]
reality
convenience and technology devour what it is to be human
our voices lost in numbers and man made noises
[-il--ce]
artificialism and consumerism light up our nights
[-lash---s-iz-re]
poisoning our children's dreams
all they'll have left is our mess we've left behind
[-rash]
as a remind of our existence
"I was here."

26 feb 4
<333
I have the bestest family in the world

25 feb 4
wear a neck brace. just in case.
I'm such a softie sometimes.
sometimes I just need a good cry.
I'm such a cunt sometimes sometimes I just need to eat.
I'm such a space cadet sometimes sometimes I just need a day off.
I'm such a manipulative bitch sometimes sometimes I just need to some me time
I'm such a lover sometimes sometimes I just have to share
I'm such a loser sometimes sometimes I just need to remember
I'm so lost in my little bubble sometimes I just need to let go

right now though, I'm going to hold on.
I'm going to hold on to you.

25 feb 4
what's happening?
god. I haven't felt this stressed out in....... hmmm... well I can't remember. but right now I just don't care. I want to curl up into the fetal position and just cry. and cry. and cry. and then sleep. then maybe cry some more. the fact that my future is ...... such a mystery to me is starting to scare me a lot. it's really encouraging knowing I have all the support I do. (thanks mom, dad, lily, daniel, david, normiepoo--I know you're going to hate that but it made me laugh for a moment) maybe it's just the estrogen acting up within me (ah the joys of being a girl) maybe it's the stress from the last two weeks finally setting in and ...I feel like I'm being crushed. it's all my own damn fault. well not quite all of it. but I don't want to go into details.

I got a call today from the AFO department telling me, essentially, that my art skills are lacking (read: they suck). a nice lady who sounded like she was losing patience with her task told me she noticed I had taken an art class at the community college I transferred from and asked if I could turn in any slides or digital images of the work from that class. I was in the library when I got the call. I had just finished up (almost) catching up with my american lit class (I have yet to read the 40 page "short" story, daisy miller: a study). this tight feeling in my chest and tummy sent me rushing home. I stopped by the bookstore to pick some essentials I hope will help me figure out what the fuck I'll be doing this fall.
I'm so terrified right now.

23 feb 4
true story
I thought about you today.
I smiled.
I thought of thinking about you today. I laughed.
I thought of you thinking about me today. I fell.

22 feb 4
I hate you so bad when you make love at me
summer days at beaches or anywhere I was allowed his embrace; pillows, shirts, sheets reeked, essences teasing sense already a flutter. skies beyond sight shrouded in fogs and mists much like thoughts lost among broken memories found shattered within worn weary souls. nails breaking against proverbial blackboards covered with assignments ignored as are past loves. bad karma waiting around circular corners. bile rising, flooding feelings, overflowing washing away left over reminicents of dessert. sweet succulence dragging forgetful minds into youth through raspberry and chocolate ecstasy making love unknown to realistic tongues. movement kills all opportunity blinking away suns, sand under feet, faces guised by darkness. where is the end?

21 feb 4
I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
I sit and wonder why you can't be like everyone else. why can't you just be my friend like everyone else. why can't you look right through that which is not. I. am. your. friend. nothing more, nothing less. I won't let it be anything more. and yet there you are running yourself into circles you refuse to see. what a mad world. angry at yourself and all you can do is hate me. this is disassociation.

21 feb 4
HATE4TEHDRAMEH
alcohol = truth serum

18 feb 4
it sends shivers down my spine
the wee hours of the morning
cold the companion for this feeling
solitary sensations birth and die
enveloping what's left of my dreams
a song in the background kills me
sending my eyelashes fluttering in the silence
taking in the moment I smile
remembering "that"
ah but it was such a time
to be replayed on stop forever
and EVAR. but not tomorrow.
tomorrow we'll walk around wondering
how have we become the way we are
why are we not what we thought
because we didn't and couldn't
but I won't. I need no more roadblocks.
I have bridges to cross and rivers to wade.
I can't drown because then I wouldn't always be alright.
and I know I will always make it out just fine.
I feel like I'm repeating myself.
sometimes it's so painful to feel
this way within that way without this and that
but I deal.
mostly because I've removed all possibility for any other option.
I met you in my sleep last night.
you taste like mint.

12 feb 4
I want to turn it down
I wonder now, why I tell you what I do.
(what I tell you, not what I do)
I tell myself I don't want/need to glorify myself
build myself up for people to more than I am
when after the fact I realize that's just what I'm doing
I don't want to be another walking hypocrisy

and maybe why I'm hiding if not walking backwards away from you
is because I'm afraid it will work out, this will be the one, this will be it
the end. (the beginning, I'm waiting for you. there.)
and then the lights will go out, the curtain will fall
and you and I will emerge, hand in hand
petals falling around us and the spot light zero-ing in
that's when THE kiss scene should happen
and you sweep me off my feet for the second time
unable to outdo the first time that got me good
I know I'm afraid. I can feel it within.
whatever is eating me up inside scares me so
and even now I'm having difficulty verbalizing this to you
I want to run and hide from this feeling
I want this feeling to cease to exist
I know the only way to rid myself of this is to accept
confront and address to[till] a solution
[doesn't present itself] finds it's way amongst everything else in there
and I say "..." what needs to be said
instead of staring at the space within
[read: behind my eyelids]
wondering what my thoughts are trying to say to me.
it's not really "as simple as that"
I'm afraid

8 feb 4
look to the past
spite and anger and emotion
you're a turmoil, you're in a turmoil
bitter and you call me spineless
yes, so I am evil, breaking you
let's trade
I'll give you your heart back
you give me my pillow back
I'd rather curl up
against something man made in china
than someone like you
a man made up of experiences
and thoughts
that have taught you to reach out
for what you want
you selfish bastard
we both made a promise
and I plan to keep mine
poor you.
I can hear you lamenting
all alone in the dark.

6 feb 4
this is beyond being sleepless
sure why not talk about this or that or yesterday
food stains as frequent as scribblings of words
the same thoughts on rewind
applied to the situation of the moment or the mood
is it really all the same though?
and the questions repeat
the never ending cycle of cleaning and renewal
but how is it thus
if it's almost always the same thing?
does that mean I know "who" "I am"?
I'm just tweaking, fine tuning until I get it "just right"
do I even know this "just right"?
and then there's you
yes, it's not all always about me
(I would get bored awfully fast if it was)
you...and you... you
and I
and you and I
god (yes, not capitalized, does that mean it's no longer blasphemy?)
god, I go over this every time
just like a broken record
the same song as the last time
but no.
no, not this time.
it's different this time.
the beat, the dance steps, those in this with me.
ah yes,
you
there you are in the fore/back ground
trying so hard to understand what even I don't understand
(and why sometimes in articles do they interject a word at the beginning of a sentence in brackets when you know that sentence would make no sense without that bracketed word?)
it would be easier to let you in if I knew myself
if I knew, myself, what I was trying to say/do/think/feel/be
"this is a story about a boy who loves a girl"
this isn't wondering why you like me, like to spend time, want to kiss me all over, hold my hand even if it's clammy and cold, warm my feet when we're sitting/laying together
it's about...
it's...
it's about... knowing me more so I can let you know more so we... I don't let this become a blunder I'll always regret
when I finally open the door I just won't be saying "welcome"
I'll show you "thank you"
because... thank you.
the thought doesn't scare me
that I may need you more than you need me.

3 feb 4
everything will change
blinking boxcars fly by
and the moon with them
overhead into the night sky
the smell of lavender light in the air
a feeling of wonder within
the moment fleeting in a breath
passed by in a sultry gaze
like lips pursed against a pane of frosted glass
covered in etchings of fairy tales
and happily ever after lost in a mistaken smile
found again in a worn children's book
new illustrations drawn in crayon and spilled milk
no one cried when the credits rolled
on and on
into the next scene.

2 feb 4
it only happens in the movies
the guy wins the girls only when the bad guy never had her heart in the first place
they never stumble into the elevator, drunkenly making out with one another
the car never explodes in a low speed collision
the king dies of food poisoning because the food tester was the illegitimate son
strangers do not trust strangers
witnesses always flee
true love doesn't prevail unless it's truly true love
the blind can really see
the deaf can really hear
the lame can really walk. without help.
the lost love note never comes floating into the open window for the lover to see
and fall back into the lost love they didn't know was
they never meet again because she fell into a bad relationship, she beats her husband
the moon really can cast a glow of a fairy tale on a late night
they're always weirder than you think
the guy is never left standing in the rain outside her window
giving the teacher a day doesn't really keep the doctor away
shocking kisses are better than butterfly driven kisses

who wants to live a life of acting anyways?

1 feb 4
this is holding on tight
I'm so glad I made it out alive.
and still by your side.

30 jan 4
I'll try to kiss you even if you don't let me
it's the waiting
in the end
[at the end]
that will drive me crazy
last fall I tried
please, don't make me
don't make me try again
from there the bottom is far away
from here the bottom is so near
I haven't far to fall from here
I doubt I'll be able to see from there
I'm trying not to let this fear eat me
kill what hope I let live within

29 jan 4
I haven't in forever
but here it comes anyways
maybe it's a wall breaking down
and not just the dam[n]
release
what is there to let go of though?
I'm debating what's worse
losing my grip or letting go.

29 jan 4
so kiss me
for once, just for once
I wanna do it right.
I wanna do it all right.

28 jan 4
just a couple more minutes
I saw the stars in my dreams
the universes beyond
creation and destruction
it was so beautiful

27 jan 4
don't let me off the hook
I don't want to say something that will make me happy for just the moment

24 jan 4
I see without sight[s]
it's time to sleep some more
but
awoken [due to something not the sun]
hands in my hand and we'll walk
I know we'll laugh
and we'll laugh until the sun sets
and then do it all over again
you're always the fun [everything] of it
I like that. I can't be any more vague.
maybe that's a good thing.

21 jan 4
I don't know...and it's alright
the realization has come again
that's alright
it's alright
everyone has to do it
at some point in our lives
I can be pretty bad
more so than others I think
because I have an
"over reactive imagination"
--I think my nuggets are burning--
what would you do
if I tried to explain the sun and stars
to someone such as yourself
baby, this is your song
--FIRE IN THE KITCHEN--
yeah, I'm pretty bad.
but that's half the fun of it
don't you wonder why you wonder?
wander, away with me
to where, I do not know
but when we get there
we'll be together
myself zoning out to that safe place
I hide from in my mind
so let's just keep going
--lindie's pressie can't put out the fire!!--
let's go so I'm not lost anymore.

20 jan 4
silence speaks
--tell me a story about my kate
++I look at other relationships and try to figure out what I'm doing wrong or why I feel the ways I do
--that is touchy ground
++I don't know how I'm supposed to be in a relationship. I would think I'm supposed to be myself
++and yet... a relationship is something more
++so I should be something more
--no
--just be you
++and then I wonder "who am I?"

when it feels like it's right there
within my reach I feel doubt nagging in the back
in the dark welling up inside me
when I think maybe, maybe this is it.
this is my end. this is the beginning.
to. to... to what? "we'll find out"
as we go along. in life, this thing I don't understand
and everything in it which just confuses me all the more
how? why? do I... did you... can I...
"please find me"
"the person only for me"
but is there just one? just one for me?
a soul, a love, a one true love just for me?
am I good enough for one? am I enough for one?
present yourself as a present
I, myself, like a child on christmas
greedily opening, tearing at the packaging
"I want to see what's inside"
I want to see what's inside
I want to see if it's what I wanted
...what do I want?
I think, before I know you
I want to know myself.

12 jan 4
loaded conversations
I keep my secrets to save and kill myself
hiding behind broken walls
underneath the rubble I strew about everywhere
I crumble and fall slipping into a light
brightness outside the darkness
enveloping the empty hollow that once consumed
I hope this never stops, whatever this may be

10 jan 4
without expectations there is no possibility to be let down
*footsie
I meant to do that
but I didn't mean to let you leave me on my front step
so come back and bring me home to/with you

7 jan 4
You know don't you?
for you I would lose touch with the world
and myself only to touch you
yours and your skin so soft against my lips
for you I would turn my back on everything and nothing
for you are my motivation to love
you and I and I as myself and you for yourself
oh it's so beautiful what your smile does to me
what you do to me how it makes me do to myself
be to myself, be myself, you are myself
I am myself for myself and for you
it's so beautiful, you are, we are
because I am
in love.

6 jan 4
ps thank you for the last two weeks
excitement has overwhelmed and I've fallen outside myself
right into your arms and I find myself smiling
beaming back at me is an opportunity I can't refuse
hold me close I don't want you to let me go
strength, motivation, and inspiration take me over
I can walk taller knowing you're there
I can go farther knowing you're waiting for me
I can't wait to wait.

6 jan 4
I'm so done with you
impressions upon a pillow and lips upon cheeks//lips
hands held during a walk in the rain
puddles of the undeniable deep enough to touch ankles
or to drown the unsuspecting and the hopeful
or the hopeless romantic waiting
always waiting, patiently, hoping one day
tomorrow maybe, maybe tomorrow they can dance
lost and found in the arms of what they wish was now
now however, is not a dream, so the present that's now the past
goes on ever moving forward to the next possibility

let me dream no longer so that I may live this dream

what makes you make it to tomorrow?

4 jan 4
we fell out of touch
I was in a hurry one day and completely passed you by. thoughts after the fact and when I had realized my mistake consumed me in waking and what little sleep I could find between my sheets. cold, empty, and lonely. the hollow swallowed everything in its wake. waves crashing and drowning me in the churning waters. the abyss drew darkness around me. never had I felt like I found my place. without the life I thought I knew and I loved. neither of which I got enough of.

finally I've stopped. although it's already too late. I know there is never enough time. I never have enough breaths in a moment to speak the silence eating my insides. the air that's run out lost it's way to my blank mind and every remaining thought grew to a light at the end of my tunnel. I've come to no where where no one else has come before. despite everything and myself I can still hope to see you when you get here too, I can hold you if you get here too.

3 jan 4
I feel you out there
it's a blistery 73 degrees out today.
hello january, I'd like you to meet winter.
I want to cuddle with my love.
it's a fire outside, oh sun, thank you.
let's play under the covers.

2 jan 4
there I go
there is a time for everything and a place for it
[I reached now and the end, thank you]
now is [exists] for that which can not be in the present
soon will approach and I with it
waiting to capture and hold on
I'm ready for a ride.

2 jan 4
I see without.
I have reached now
and find myself /all/ alone
with you by my side
the empty hollow that consumed
has found it's place
within my space once again
there you are
so far away
and so near to my heart
I hold on to what you did
to remind me
of what you won't do
a promise isn't your word
or a pretty ring on my finger
your lips on my eyes
your kisses in my dreams
tomorrow though,
tomorrow I'll find you gone
and I'll wait for you.

1 jan 4
happy FUCK YOU
I'm ready for a melt down
stand by mop and bucket in hand
everything, in time, will come
I can't tell you how long I've waited
but I can't wait much longer
tell me how it will be
my dream fading into reality
two becomes one
when the unnecessary is no more
I've decided by any means will you be mine
let's clean up this mess we've made of ourselves.