30 july 2
dot.dot.tob.tob.
"its not really a new beginning
but a continuation to an ending ...do you want to be here for the final
paragraph?
ask the answer to the question you know you can't make yourself ask.
30 july 2
good morning sunshine
think this is a new beginning?
or the beginning to a new ending?
30 july 2
saying why do we want what we don't need makes me think.
do we need relationships? is that why we want them?
...I could care if I was in a relationship with someone although it
would suck seriously to have to share them...
its knowing there's someone who's there for you no matter what
its knowing they feel something more than just friends
its knowing they never want to stop holding, touching, kissing, knowing
its knowing you can babble about nothing and it felt like you babbled
about everything and next time you babble about nothing you still have
everything to babble about
its knowing they're understanding patient and kind ((I need to teach
him to open the door for me though haha))
do I expect any of this? no
do I need any of this? yes
do I want this? sure why not?
30 july 2
Don't prejudge. How can you know another's mind or soul? Learn what
you can.
another day of tedious
torture
the thought of you so close so far away
the sun burning our sins into our skin
and saying I'm sorry isn't all that needs to fall from these lips
I AM: kate
I THINK: constantly
I KNOW: what I've learned from my own experiences
I WANT: closure completion and contentment
I HAVE: myself.
I WISH: I had a car
I HATE: superficiality
I MISS: my certain someone
I FEAR: loss
I HEAR: too much and too little
I SEARCH: for knowledge
I WONDER: what you're thinking at this exact moment
I REGRET: nothing.
I LOVE: yes, I do.
I ACHE: I should see if I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled
I LONG: to be with my certain someone.
I CARE: that's why I'm ALWAYS here for you
I ALWAYS: am eating
I AM NOT: your problem rag doll
I BELIEVE: in kate
I DANCE: as as a form of release
I SING: because I have a voice
I CRY: I dance for the same reason
I DO NOT ALWAYS: know
I FIGHT: with words
I WRITE: to understand my thoughts better and share them
I WIN: because we've already won
I LOSE: my mind on a regular basis
I NEVER: break a promise
I CONFUSE: with my lingo and all too fast speach
I LISTEN: because I love to hear your voice
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: infront of a computer with food not too far
away thinking of my certain someone
I AM AFRAID: you'll say no or goodbye
I NEED: I can't help it
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: ((most of)) kate
I EXPECT: nothing from anyone or anything
I SHOULD: finish my thought.
31 july 2
...something is missing...
a hole somewhere is causing a stir
and left here shivering in the corner
is confusion and curiousity
lost in each other's loving embrace
what consolation can satiate this feeling
lack of feeling? replace it? hide it?
but you
the butterscotch scent hidden in carmel and chocolate
causes a frenzy of the wrong kind of butterflies
and I start to drive myself mad when I hear your voice for the first
second
...then a calm overwhelms and I hear your voice forever but not for
long enough
keep talking I'm still watching
I miss you god I miss you
and this closure I keep wondering about?
I promised last night.
I promised.
hopefully a happy medium will be met... and...
and what.
I don't know. but something must be done
or I'll lose myself.
...I'll write you again when your words disappear from my heart where
you've branded them
31 july 2
my phone on its charger sounds like cicadas from a beautiful anime I
can't stop watching.
what do you taste
when you hear the words "I love you"
what do you hear when you cover your eyes?
what do you smell when you see the color grey?
what do you feel when you forget you sense?
what do you know when you silence your thoughts?
august
1 aug 2
I think my hot chocolate is making me fall asleep
it seemed as if
she was wearing an oriental rug
as a business suit -- skirt and jacket
lost and staring blankly at the directory listing
just inside the lobby
hoping I might help her
but I merely work in suite A-112
...
I try not to go upstairs as it smells
like someone peed on the carpets from one end of the expansive hallway
to the other and hadn't a care in the world
to make an effort to at least mask that horrid stench
...
so I'll just quickly sashay back into my office
quietly sipping at my hot cocoa
my sleep eyes smiling dreamily into my dark blue cup
and I wonder .........
about you.
2 aug 2
I wanted to show you something...
what are you thinking when you realize your monitor stops your hand from feeling what you forgot
2 aug 2
if...
you could talk to
your past self now
((and yet in the past))
what would you say?
+ don't spend on
something you don't need
+ always tell the truth to yourself and those you love
+ never regret expect or hold your breath
+ you'll make it ... through see how far I've gone?
+ remember your opinions matter to YOU and their opinion matters to
THEM
+ the only ear, shoulder, hand, arms you should really depend on are
yours
+ know that you will never leave yourself
+ your thoughts are you life long companion
+ don't ignore them hide from them or play what ifs and should've could've
would've
+ if you make a mistake you've already made it
+ argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours *wink and
smile*
+ here's a camera and some film...get a head start
oh what it is to
remember
and talk about what that relationship was in the end
admitting is so hard
but easier when babbling to a close friend
[sigh]
3 aug 2
hate?
I forgot what I
was going to say
I feel so sad
I feel so hurt
I feel so stupid
I feel so ugly
I feel like a peice of stone trying to be forced into clay
--why is it so easy to hate--
I feel broken
I feel like I'm breaking
I feel so tired
I feel so lonely
I feel empty
I feel lost
I feel gone
--when will I come back?--
next year
maybe
4 aug 2
w-h-y
I'm hiding myself
with my pain
tossing up my walls as fast as I use a tissue
...why am I making it so its difficult to speak what used to be so easy
to write...
why am I letting myself wallow in these horrid emotions I've come to
loathe
why am I constantly hoping something terrible happens to me so they
stop being the way they are
why am I acting like this
why can't I stop putting myself to bed with tears
why am I so silent when I want to scream about all that I think is unjust
why don't you care that you don't know who I am
why don't you care
why do I feel like I've no one to talk to
why won't you let me run to his arms and rid myself of this feeling
why don't you care that I hurt
...I'm running out of tears...
5 aug 2
guess who I'm thinking of right now.
[winks]
guess what I can't figure out
guess what I don't know
...so something nice should happen to me now?
to get me out of this funk I normally can drag myself out of
...temporarily?
it was recommended that I step back from myself
that might help
....but how?
how do I step back from myself?
--train of thought derailed--
reality!!! why are you such a bitch?!
you might know me by a different...."
6 aug 2
hmm...
I miss my passion
...maybe instead of running away
I'll build myself a dark room
and go to town on that
the last couple of nights all I can do is dream of taking photographs
and being at some kind of hair show with a bunch of big name celebraties and me falling asleep after tim allen leaves me this huge glass of something that looked like water but I knew it wasn't...then I woke up and everyone was wondering who the hell I am and some kids said I looked like some famous singer like beyonce or some such then I got the hell outta there and snuck into this other room that these baseball players were going into after this game they tied...then my phone told me it was time to jog...so I shut it up and kept on sleeping
I still haven't
dealt with some of my problems that I can deal with
mostly because I don't think there is a solution
...is this another one of those times when I'm just quiet about it
and it all gets swept under the rug?
"thank you for being the parents I can't talk to."
6 aug 2
our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
just because someone
doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
push this generation
of kids to stand and fight
for the right to say something you might not like
6 aug 2
things I'd like to thank for my rents for ::
thank you for being
the parents I can't talk to
thank you for lying, saying you know who I am
thank you for not letting me be kate
thank you for ruining my life
thank you for making me hate who you're trying to make me be
thank you for making me lose everything I love
thank you for not really caring
thank you for sweeping everything else under the rug
thank you for ignoring what's standing broken right infront of you
thank you for making me put my walls back up
thank you for not appreciating me
thank you for saying I'm your problem
thank you for for saying I'm my own curse, I'm my own demise
thank you for not appreciating anything I've made done or said
thank you for trying to belittle me every chance you get
thank you for not showing me what love is
thank you for letting me live in your house like a stranger
thank you for failing at breaking kate
thank you for not trying to know your own daughter
thank you for saying so easily that I'm misguided, irresponsible, selfish,
manipulative, lying, decietful when, whoa, you don't know me
thank you for saying you know how I think
thank you for saying when you were my age you made the same mistakes
when in truth you didn't
thank you for lying
thank you mom and dad
7 aug 2
I missed you last night just like every other night
I woke up to someone's
voice this morning
it was a sweet thing.
I thought they had forgotten
but they were just delayed
hehe
I hope my certain someone fixed his computer last night
[sighs]
I dreamt again last night
for the first time about who I miss so much
all I remember is
quietly in the dark with one small light off in another room
we lay there in each other's arms not moving for fear that the moment
might break
- - - -
then I was outside
my photography class I wasn't registered for
getting supplies out of my locker when an aquiantace from highschool
came up to give me a hug
but I didn't want one so I tried to fend him off
he acted like I wasn't doing anything gave me a huge then said something
what I can't remember... but I do remember hearing his voice...
then I snuck into photo to print
someone else had snuck in there to print and said he was going to snitch
I need to build
myself a darkroom.
my dreams are screaming at me.
my passion is clawing at the door.
can't take it much longer.
I need to pick up my camera.
I need to smell those horrid chemicals in the darkened room
I need to tear those little strips for test prints
I need to spend hours in the dark printing none stop
8 aug 2
?tahw
falling away and
into...
anyone to go to but nowhere to go
hollow and silence echoes
reverberating the feeling which can't be ignored...
hope a message on a broken phone
your vigor sustains you. stay emotionally in touch. just assume that
you'll win
the obvious scrawled on irritating contacts
when will the calm come?
when will the quiet not be so disturbing?
when can - - - let go?
love, soaked pages in an abused book...
what is she trying to say
desperation in her finger tips
aching to cry out wanting to show them
what's right in front of their denying consciences
hiding in the recesses of her dark room
curled up in her empty bed
why do you let this go on
I have the world
to say
but today my thoughts don't want to be caught
don't want to be displayed for all to pick at
and turned around to try and force a smile
on this sad unknowing confused breaking face
today........is another day of this monotonous hell
I can't help but let my life be.
salvation
where did I put you?
I dreamt last night...
it was bizarre as all hell
look at what getting sleep is doing to me
a house empty and
yet full
busting at the brim full of people full of noise full of....magic?
everything is watching no one is paying attention
why is everything so fast? why is everything so slow?
...stop spinning room...
we got caught and we're all plotting our demise
I didn't do anything.......did I?
"50 years to life" he said with determination in his eyes.
"just for a getting caught drinking"
and she, wrapped up in her mysteriousness, flipped the tarot cards for
me
"those don't look too encouraging" I whisper into my lips
a sad look flashes across her face "I'll sneak him in, he'll help
you out."
"I remember I didn't do anything. I watched. I didn't participate.
I remembered I didn't want to do any of what was going on that night
because of what happened the last time" said a feeling in my mind
that is what getting regular amounts of sleep gets me
I miss dancing...when will I dream of that?
8 aug 2
keep this in mind
kate: I think I
just need to eat
seth: why do you say that?
seth: something wrong?
seth: I need a new font
kate: its probably why I'm in a sad mood
kate: low blood sugar level
seth: :-\
seth: wanna tell me about what's going through your head?
seth: when you're sad, what are you thinking about?
kate: sleep
seth: what else?
seth: your thoughts have to be more complicated than that
kate: not really
kate: they're hiding from me
kate: I know they're there
kate: but I either can't understand them or I can't really "see"
them
seth: hunt for them
seth: you ever read that book about the kid who gets lost in the wilderness
when his plane crashes?
seth: He finds out how to hunt for birds, which he couldn't normally
do, by not looking for their colors, but by looking for their shapes
seth: change the way you hunt for your thoughts
seth: and you'll be able to feast upon them
kate: I normally don't hunt for my thoughts
kate: usually they're just _there_
seth: you should
seth: when you're out in the wild (because sadness is the closest thing
to the wild in your mind) your food does not just present itself
seth: you have to hunt for it, figure out why you're sad, and then eat
the thoughts until you find your way out
kate: hm...
seth: that was more to continue the metaphore than it was to be accurate
seth: you need to figure out what is making you sad
seth: and I would wager it isn't low blood sugar or the time of the
month
seth: maybe before it has been
seth: but I don't think it is this time
kate: .....
seth: why the silence
kate: I don't know what to say
seth: good, or bad?
kate: heh how can I know whether what I don't know what to say is good
or bad?
seth: well, is the absence of words a good or bad thing in this case?
seth: do you feel good or bad about your silence?
kate: not sure
seth: you're just in a general state of uncertainty
seth: that's oka
seth: y
kate: yup
seth: sometimes the only thing that we can be certain of is that we
don't know
kate: YES
seth: it happens
9 aug 2
early in the morning your voice is my dream
speaking with more than mere words
you're strong and secure. consolidate your good luck and let it dominate
your day.
- - -
impatience.anger.hate.inconsideration.selfishness.irresponisibility.deciet.lies.irritation.annoyance.
the list goes on and on. our problems go on and on. do we deal with them? do we achieve closure? do we sweep it under the rug?
DO YOU FUCKING CARE?
.....I want to press
delete. but that's what I was feeling.
I'm trying to view this all from a different perspective...
[shrugs]
we'll see.
9 aug 2
I've turned into a blathering idiot spouting philosophy
[INSPIRATION] sweetness.
where are you?
kate I was watching From Hell
[INSPIRATION] never heard, but thats kinda where i am coming from...
kate are you alright?
[INSPIRATION] I hate being here like this. Something is really really
wrong.
kate ): ): ): ):
kate I know how you feel to an extent
[INSPIRATION] Yeah, I hope you don't really know what it feels like
to be without [real-fleshmet] friends or what it is like to not talk
to anybody in 4 fucking days. Something is wrong.
[INSPIRATION] Sorry to unload all that on you, now.
kate don't be sorry
kate I told you I was here for you
kate and I do know what its like to be without a friend I can actually
_feel_
kate that's the story of my life now. it was before I started sneaking
out.
[INSPIRATION] =erased words. I wish, I had someone, to take care of
and love. It's like I never existed.
kate you have yourself to take care of and love, do not forget that
[INSPIRATION] Sometimes, all I am there for is to destroy myself, in
order to feel alive.
kate you can create to remind yourself you're alive
kate you don't have to see, feel, taste your own blood to remind yourself
you've forgotten you're alive
[INSPIRATION] True, it doesn't really matter anyway.
kate yes it does
kate if it doesn't matter to you, know it matters to me
[INSPIRATION] Yes, thank you, I know that :) I just feel so alone, here,
somwhere, I forgot where I am.
kate I only exist in my mind
[INSPIRATION] Wo-ow. Now we're getting serious. :) There is no spoon.
kate I only exist to and for myself
kate if I stop believing I exist I am no more
kate I'm just a mindless drone, a forgotten cherished memory, a broken
mirror unable to reflect what used to be so obvious
[INSPIRATION] I just cut myself from all those pieces lying around.
kate how can you when you forget to let yourself exist?
kate you do know, in the end, if you keep hurting yourself, you'll have
nothing else. why live life if not for the end? if not to the end?
[INSPIRATION] I can't really write now. Maybe later. I have to relax
now and forget.
[INSPIRATION] Blood is transparent. Love is art.
kate relax yes. but do not forget
[INSPIRATION] Thank you so much.
kate our fears let everything be transparent. that much further away
from our grasp
10 aug 2
I dreamt of you again my dream
is my mind making
reality in my sleep?
...you were there again...
my certain someone...
I was some sort of mystical person
being lied to by both parties
my sister in her domain told me to take my dearest certain someone somewhere
and he was stolen from me...somehow I escaped
....and went to my sister's enemy to consult
I was instructed to go somewhere and do what exactly my dreams did not
make me remember
I saved him only to almost be caught again do to my being exhausted
but he swept me off my feet
and into the back of this super charged absolutely absurd looking...
vehicle to take me to where my sister's enemy said I had to be
a friend of my dearest certain someone's was with him
because he wanted to not only see me but meet me
his friend was dropped off with some girls
so that my dearest certain someone could fly me to my final destination
only to want me to not go at all when we arrived
in my drunken exhaustion I stumbled in
to find everyone in tutu's [yes I spelled that wrong]
and myself in a leotard...constantly peeking out the window
to try and see him, to try and see you...
whom I miss ever so much
I didn't want to
say goodnight
didn't want to say I'll talk to you tomorrow
....I'm glad my dreams let me see what I want to...
11 aug 2
you are now only blobs of color
it's the wee hours
of the morning like this
the frogs, crickets, and dew drops
are your sunrise companions
and the dog 10 feet away you can't see
well you can... but it looks something like blobs of color
floating about in your fuzzy vision
with your face not even a foot away from the screen
you can't see what your mind is saying
did you spell "A" correct?
12 aug 2
I ache for what makes me feel whole
I no longer feel like faking
distracting my mind from what I'm refused
crying only makes it more obvious
how long must I endure?
eternity isn't that long
sadness hasn't consumed
yet
and I don't plan on letting it
worry has me at its disposal
"if you follow someone else's path, the only person you learn about
is them"
13 aug 2
[scratches]
what others identify
at a glance that _is_ kate
this face which displays everything and nothing
hidding behind a mask and yet brutally blunt and truthful
[with herself?]
its falling apart dead skin flaking off in this brutal breeze
...I need some moisturizer
13 aug 2
the perks of being a wallflower
"And I could feel what he felt on the night when he realized that if he didn't leave, it would never be his life. It would be theirs."
kate (9:35:04 PM):
so how are you?
otto (9:35:30 PM): if it wasn't for class, i'd be perfect...overall
tho i'm doing well
kate (9:35:36 PM): hehehe
otto (9:35:37 PM): life is good
kate (9:35:40 PM): I can't wait till you come back (:
otto (9:35:41 PM): the sun is shining
otto (9:35:45 PM): me too
otto (9:35:57 PM): what about yourself?
kate (9:36:13 PM): I'm alright
otto (9:36:20 PM): any developments with the rents
kate (9:36:34 PM): nope I:
otto (9:37:29 PM): poopy
otto (9:37:46 PM): talked to brad at all
otto (9:37:50 PM): besides IM
kate (9:37:57 PM): talk to him on the phone all the time
otto (9:38:08 PM): that's cool
otto (9:38:12 PM): what does he make of all this
kate (9:38:21 PM): he thinks its stupid
kate (9:38:30 PM): and he doesn't like my rents. he's offended infact
otto (9:40:19 PM): im sorry
otto (9:40:26 PM): im sure that doesnt help anything
kate (9:40:42 PM): he wants to meet them
otto (9:40:45 PM): but obviously he's right that its stupid
kate (9:40:55 PM): hehehe
otto (9:41:44 PM): its a shame that he is the only one who can't afford
to be offended, seeing as how he is one of the two that does deserve
to be
kate (9:43:13 PM): two weeks, school starts and I get to see him
kate (9:43:19 PM): hahaha it'll almost be two months for us
otto (9:44:04 PM): damn
kate (9:45:42 PM): I could've snuck him in this weekend... but noooooooo
he doesn't wanna get me in trouble
otto (9:46:43 PM): believe me, he doesnt want to meet your parents that
way even if it is the only way
otto (9:47:09 PM): could get a little worse than ugly
kate (9:47:25 PM): ):
kate (9:47:32 PM): what's it gonna be like when you come to the house
to hang out otto?
otto (9:47:42 PM): what do you mean
kate (9:51:54 PM): hmm...
otto (9:52:03 PM): ?
kate (9:52:03 PM): how do you feel about my rents?
otto (9:52:14 PM): how do i feel about them?
kate (9:52:41 PM): mmhm
otto (9:52:58 PM): good question, hard to answer right
otto (9:53:09 PM): i think they are good people
otto (9:53:12 PM): with good intentions
otto (9:53:15 PM): but
otto (9:53:26 PM): they are steadfast
otto (9:53:34 PM): and uncompromising
otto (9:54:26 PM): which, because they are the parents, ie the ones
required to take responsibility of the situation, are at fault for not
being able to see that its time they learn to let go
otto (9:54:38 PM): perhaps it isnt a fault
otto (9:54:44 PM): perhaps they are simply unable
otto (9:54:51 PM): thats what makes it so hard
otto (9:55:09 PM): the only true sin i think they have committed is
the largest one of all
otto (9:55:14 PM): they refuse to listen to you
otto (9:55:27 PM): they refuse to place themselves in your position
kate (9:55:28 PM): hmm
otto (9:56:05 PM): and ultimately, if a fair argument were to emerge
between both parties
otto (9:56:09 PM): they would lose
otto (9:56:40 PM): because the only support they have for their position
is "we are the parents, and that is why we are right and you are
wrong"
kate (9:56:55 PM): that's what they always tell me
kate (9:57:00 PM): never give me any other reasons
otto (9:58:05 PM): that is invalid evidence. its a logical fallacy,
if i had actually gone to philosophy freshman year i could tell you
whyich one
otto (9:59:08 PM): the fact that they must use invalid logic to support
their point of view is what makes them at fault: as parents, they are
responsible for the validity of their claims
otto (9:59:14 PM): and if they cannot back it up
otto (10:00:03 PM): then they have no reason to do what they are doing
except selfishness, or perhaps fear...sounds melodramatic but thats
what it boils down to
kate (10:00:29 PM): hmmm...
kate (10:00:34 PM): do you mind if I put this in my livejournal?
otto (10:00:45 PM): go for it
14 aug 2
"beauty"
otto: hey
Auto response from kate: I wish I was still sleeping next to you
otto: you there?
otto: it depends on the type of beautiful
otto: i think true beauty inspires the beholder to live better in one
of many ways
otto: for example, when i see my father waking up for work at 5:30am
when im on vacation and he should be retired at age 60, the lines his
brow and down his cheeks are beautiful
otto: when i see my mother smile while she's singing in the morning
and i see how happy she is, she is beautiful to me...maybe its cuz i
see her love of being alive and it inspires me there too
otto: ;-) thats why i think you're beautiful too..like i said, you grab
fate by the balls and that is the most admirable quality in my eyes
otto: watching Vu box is beautiful...its almost like dancing, everything
is clockwork
otto: watching my roomate knock out a Mozart concerto is likewise, the
athleticism of it is inspiring
otto: watching Beth ride (horses) is the same
otto: it can be a lot simpler too...a sunrise shows the beauty of the
world, and watchig it and being a part of that world just motivates
me to be the best i can
otto: an A on a hard exam is a very self-constructed beauty...watching
a girl you love sleep is much more naturally ingrained one i think,
its the peacefulness and happiness that follows from witnessing it that
inspires me to make the best of things
Auto response from kate: I wish I was still sleeping next to you
otto: So to answer
your question
otto: Beauty is a precursor to inspiration
otto: Like how the ancient greeks would talk about how a man needed
a muse to become his completed created self: true beauty inspires
otto: haha Dragonball z is beautiful because even amidst the crappy
animation, it shows the persistence of the human spirit...each character
represents a different part of that spirit's psyche, or rather the way
that persistence manifest in personality types
otto: ill write you an essay on that sometime haha...i think i've written
enough as it is right now if you're still reading this
15 aug 2
a boy
in my dreams
said a little louder than a whisper
I love you
and I was completely
stunned
a feeling a thought and his truth
told me he meant it
completely caught me off guard
and I fell into something
I forced myself to forget
a secret note written by the "heart"
and secretly stashed away
in the dark corner of a broken drawer
what is completion to do now?
sweet dreams tickling at your feet and happiness a smile you've hidden from reality. [kiss]
15 aug 2
we live in a world of false realities we call dreams
15 aug 2
the end
"Even if somebody has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."
16 aug 2
fuzzy dreams not kitties
I hoped for a voice
last night
but everyone but me had somewhere to go
even my tears
dribbling down my cheeks, my neck, and tickling along my back...
I fear sharing what
I've wanted to scream through tears
because you'll refuse to try to understand
where I'm coming from and why I believe what I do
and in your fear to understand me you'll kick me out
and I'll have no where to go
It's okay to listen to what friends have to say, but the ultimate decision should be yours
16 aug 2
have you ever noticed that everything in my life is always a mess in
the background
[ponders]
17 aug 2
more dizzy than drunk
all this up and
down
has me dizzy
and falling over
knees under my chin
against my chest
I feel my heart pounding
...distractions
are welcome
and always encouraged
...voices faces arms...
don't let me think that...
don't let me think...
and on pause
throbbing head
lost in shaking arms
18 aug 2
"you have very artistic features"-- thank you dear
a day wasted
and he winked so much
I was tempted to ask if he had a bad twitch
...I'm neglecting...
and school starts in a week.
I'm so excited.
a tedium ending
only to start a new one
...who knows what I'll let happen to myself...
[sigh]
my mind is dead this weekend.
something more later dearies.
[kiss]
19 aug 2
a [comment]
this world
our world
your little world
my little world
its as beautiful or ugly as we let ourselves believe it is
believe we made it
because we make our own little world
for our own little selves
we can make it what we will
we just have to remember
we make our own little worlds
to make up this bigger beautiful world
we just keep letting ourselves forget
we're all a little piece of this big photo
I had strange dream
after strange dream
...at the zoo...
a good friend's ex who supposedly hates me
was cordial if not inviting and kind
a dog whining kept waking me up
a dog stealing my blankets made me shiver
it made sense and yet it didn't...
[scratches her eye]
I need to talk to myself
[smirks]
I _need_ to understand
[blank look]
I have to find out what I need to say
[pouts]
what is my outlook?
what are my hopes?
what am I in it for?
....I'll get back to you soon my dears
I haven't a clue...
a clue I haven't...
dearest...dearest...I...
[silence]
19 aug 2
so nice.... it would be so nice...
kate: whatchoo doing?
dad: Watching U make a jack arse out of yer self
kate: too bad I'm not doing that
kate: I scanned in the paper daniel fucked up
dad: K8 we don't need to say the Eff word to express our selves
dad: Even where Daniel is concerned
kate: its true though [shrugs]
kate: so YEAH
kate: you wanna read my livejournal?
dad: Nope cause Its got Cooties
kate: no it doesn't
kate: cause I'd like you to read it
kate: but I'd have to create an account for you
dad: Oh Yeah well
dad: Don't do it on my acct
kate: would you actually read it?
dad: If a husband says something in the forest and no one hears
dad: Is he still wrong?
kate: my question exactly. I feel like I'm talking into the wind here
dad: so what exactly do I have to read?
kate: all of it?
dad: SO I can what
kate: started it last october [smiles]
kate: know what I'm afraid to say to you?
dad: Great how about after I finish the count of monte carlo
kate: [shrugs]
kate: whatever
dad: it might be better for my health if I did not know just now
kate: [sweeps it under the rug till later]
kate: ok
kate: works for me then
dad: There may come a day when we can be totally honest with each other
I just don't see it so soon
kate: ok
21 aug 2
disorientation
strange boys haunting
me
and days go by in a blink of my eye
missing articles of clothing strewn all about
and never ending patience
...he was always waiting...
he always has been he always will...
he didn't know it was time to go
off to the beach!
and ambient marcus?
why do you look like a short version
of my friend elliott with his long red dreds?
as usual it was all strange
and awfully confusing
...I think I know
[winks]
so something told
me this is a time of disharmony
for myself, I'm picking myself apart
and putting myself up to these standards
in the end I won't be able to reach
am I even trying to?
does my life have to be a story waiting to be told?
to teach us all what we've forgotten?
this is what it feels like to be lost in my own mind
[do not enter]
22 aug 2
[A] is for America and [B] is for Britain. so that's why [F]rance sucks.
more strange dreams
[haunt me?] in my sleep
no mention of what was said
or [done]
so I kissed a boy I knew in school
and you asked me what I was doing
and who he was
and I couldn't say anything
because my lips wouldn't move
...we were lost somewhere in
a raiders of the lost ark india
wandering around and around
the town's [ ] <--square
I'd found him I'd finally found him
so had my lips
[I miss]
and the rest of the dream...
will remain a dream
unspoken and hopefully forgotten.
...I missed you
last night
just like I miss you now
but tomorrow isn't so far away
and neither is the next day
...this world is falling apart around us
and our happy [and usuallly not] lives
just go on breath after breath
...our lives are crumbling beneath us
and we act as if nothing is wrong
when the world we've made is wrong
yet we refuse to admit we are
our admission would bring about realizations
everyone thinks they are not prepared for
when in reality we let fear rule our lives
we let ourselves be victims of our nightmares
is this what we deserve? is this karma?
...does my laugh sound as fake as it feels?
23 aug 2
f-e-a-r
why ...do we allow
fear to have so much control over our lives?
a figment of our minds rules what we do and what we hold ourselves back
from
a small little question of what if and what the powerful mind can conjure
it rips us to shreds and makes what world we think we've made crumble
beneath us
when did we first let fear being to take control of what we never really
had any say over in the first place?
due to fear we hurt ourselves [save ourselves?]
and in this pain we forget what we were before we knew fear
and in this pain we fear more
a horrid cycle and we can't imagine jumping off the merry go round
we might hurt ourselves we might cry we might not have any one to love
us when we are in pain
its hard to understand and even harder to explain
why we fear
and why we shouldn't
and how we can stop
...[blink] [blink]...
are we all waiting?
wondering when...
smiling at distractions
with our 30 second attention spans
I'd like to damn the media
its a horrid thing we do to ourselves
...I used to ask him why he wore a button which said
KILL YOUR TV
now I'd have to
agree with him
he couldn't be more right
it keeps us in touch yes
but it forces us to also lose touch
we feel the need to always have background noises
we're afraid of the silence
we feel we're alone
...we're fucking ourselves...
it doesn't feel good does it."
23 aug 2
break
broken?
breaking...
woe is the soul
who tangles themselves
in this horrid rollercoaster
an emotion for each breath
reaching all along the spectrum
in this state it takes a moment
and we're sent rolling down the hill
tear after tear
nothing to fuel
a reason unknown
[girl]
where have I gone
where did I lose you?
where did I loose you?
where have I gone?
where am I going...
tumbling...
spinning..
360, 270, 180, 90, 60, 30
[zero]
I'm falling
I'm failing
I'm calling
I'm crying
[tries to laugh]
I mistake myself
I mistook myself
I mistake you
I mistook you
where have I gone...
where have I...
I'm falling into sleep
[welcome] written on my pillow
did I put those there?
[good]night
26 aug 2
sleep had a struggle
drawing me into dreams
[wiggles]
and now my stomach
isn't liking the idea
of food falling upon it invading its happy little butterflies
[squirms]
I leave in an hour
for a change
...isn't it all so exciting?
26 aug 2
[wiggle] [wiggle]
and would you stop fidgeting?
next time leave a little sooner
god I hope I don't need my book
or that loose leaf paper I so carefully bought
and so carfeully forgot
...in the car
damn... did I roll down my windows?
hope you don't mind being my break during the day
w00p! w00p!
that's the noise the cops make
he was flashing his lights near where I parked
FUCK!
...fuck I didn't park over here
hah! I'm lost
[bows]
I'd like to thank my blonde gene
and
[pause]
27 aug 2
[wiggles]
just remember not to hold onto a memory. she is herself NOW...not herself then."
your presence was
in my dream
my mind [winks]
I can't recall what
it was all about
what was happening or anything of the sort
but I felt something [smiles]
sleep came swiftly
last night
inklings tickling at my lids
too bad I woke up in the middle of a dream
"CHRIST ITS HOT
...and I need to pee"
hahahaha
....I feel good.
27 aug 2
he liked my "jazz"
you ARE your own
dream
whatchoo think about that?!
yes we'll just giggle
until we wonder why we started in the first place
...and I was walking back to my car
and saw this sweet lil rice powered crotch rocket
so I stared
and the guy stared back
so I got ready to climb in the car
and he stared some more
and then came over
thought my name was CAKE
when I specifically said KATE
asked me if I ever wanted to go for a ride
said I fear for my life
he said in an awfully thick accent
"you've hurt my heart"
oh its not YOU I don't trust
[stranger!]
its those around you
then he asks where I'm going
to work I say, have a lovely day
close my door and jettison
...there's something with spanish guys and thinking my name is CAKE
[do I look like a yummy sweet pastry to you??]
hahahahahaha
27 aug 2
The Dogs
The never ending
personal experiences that are my dogs is the never ending saga "The
Psycho Dog Show!" The rescued mini hot dogs, one a long haired
spoiled mop, the other a long legged, long necked chicken of a copper
shorted haired, both came previously "altered." Altered in
this sense I'm meaning having previous emotional problems.
The short haired who's name used to be Patty and is now called Penny,
is the biggest chicken with the biggest bark and the smallest bite.
The long haired used to simply be Zina but to further complicate our
"oh so simple" lives we call her Xena the Warrior Princess.
The Princess's main defense when she's not trying to hamstring this
stranger or that friend is her pee. Penny and Xena do not get along
and I can't put a great enough emphasis on do not. I should probably
start at or somewhere near the beginning. Mom wanted a dog and for some
crazy reason dad was going along with it. I'm not sure if I wanted to
thank him or ask him if he'd fallen on his head.
The dogs are a saving grace and a curse. Xena is about as spoiled as
a dog can get with in the powers of my family. She gets carried almost
everywhere, eats with us, eats what we eat if not better, and gets to
sleep on the bed. Now when you think of Xena I suggest you imagine Betty
Davis but a touch more crotchety, old lady like, uptight snobby, and
prone to urinating on cue. On cue meaning we say anything to her in
the wrong tone and she unleashes the fury that is her surprisingly huge
bladder.
Penny is technically my sister's dog as Xena is my mom's dog, but I
usually end up bathing, feeding, grooming, and making sure the two mini
humans keep their expectorating to the outdoors. Penny is the young
punk dog, a mere two years old and full of spunk always wanting to play.
When Xena was first introduced to Penny it was a crazy samba of black
fur and long red legs with the little mop ending up in mom's arms. Penny
being the wound up top that she is twenty four seven with no one to
play with after we've all tired turns to what will never ever fail her,
herself. Penny will grab her chew toy in her mouth and play catch with
herself, she will chase her tail around the room and when any of her
other body parts gets in between her mouth and her tail she chomps then
yelps in surprise at the pain. Wonderful entertainment when one is struggling
to write an essay on personal experience.
At least two years have gone by and Xena still treats Penny like the
red headed step child she is. There is no amount of bonding we can attempt
to force upon the two when we know it could end up with us loosing extremities.
We love our dogs, the whack alter egos of their owners that they are
and wouldn't give them up for the world. I for one could sure do without
all the bathroom accidents so conveniently "placed" in front
of the bathroom door and the foot of my bed. All in all this ongoing
experience I like to call my dogs is one I'm glad I'm having although
I no longer plan on having children right out of college like I hadn't
really been planning in the first place anyways.
28 aug 2
I've lost count
[play]
characters in this play of life
all play in the beginning
we forget about playing
then all together forget how to play
we play at our lives
memories pain joy
we let everything etcetera
we let
ourselves forget
[silent mode]
RING RING
[click]
29 aug 2
aqua di gio
uuuuugggggggg etc
etc etc
the rain!
why rain!?!!?
yes so the earth loves it
and so do my shirley temples
but why rain??
the barometer drops
thus the pounding of my head
and the ache behind my eyeballs
[groan]
I want to roll around on the ground
until the sun comes back out
and the rain goes awayto open to beautiful skies
and even bettah weathah
w00t!
...pookie needs
to get incontrol of herself
I'm quickly getting tired of this
"I'm starving but I can't eat" bullshit
and peaches+school=sticky fingers
[sigh]
I was so exhausted
last night
I set everything aside
and turned the lights off--closed my eyes
I think I heard my phone beeping at me
and once I even picked up?
[sorry]
I thought I was dreaming [smiles]
speaking of dreaming...
I can't recall q:
30 aug 2
upclose and outta focus
I think I lost you
in my pocket
[giggle]
curled up in a bundle
embraced by my arms
is it silly I'm sleeping this way now?
I wanted to yesterday
oh so badly I wanted to
just one last time
...maybe once more
[weak smile]
let me read what
I forgot
[brain dead]
I'm so tired
31 aug 2
you mistake confusion for boredom
[blip] [flash] [blam]
power outage
[silence]
you feel that too?
why not talk to me?
you do want to don't you?
[hahaha]
I love being in
a class of my own
[sigh]
surrounded by strangers
and only myself to talk to
if you're really
curious, I wrote this at school
where all I've to converse with
exchange thoughts
its my silly little book
let's all stop being strangers now!
31 aug 2
I feel like I'm unwinding
a happy little piece of work
exhausted
tired of being stared at
and not properly appreciated
all the empty hollow comments
have worn me thin
I'm tired of being for the day
september
1 sep 2
all this up and down
has me spinning
falling to the ground
I can't talk
I won't talk
I've the world to say
not your world
...I found a peice
of food in my nose this morning
[hah]
2 sep 2
"who the hell do you think you are?"
[blank look]
empty
cold
sorrowful
sad even
"is that your hand?"
hopeful
curious
giggly
"its oh so quiet"
...
I'm making myself forget
I honestly don't know how I feel
numb
blah
silent
[...]
3 sep 2
who in their right mind
reads what they do not want to know
...why did I try to force
when he isn't even watching
he says he cares
but only when the problem
[me]
is dragging at his heals
and nagging at his side
[dear we have to do something about her]
a temporary fix
you don't know about
I'm breaking
but keeping myself together
till the flood comes
to wash us all away
maybe wash us all clean
...I feel...
I'd like to walk around georgetown
at 3 o'clock in the morning
walk along the canal
someone's hand entangled in mine
but I can't let myself settle for just anyone
who?
who?
...why
[ZzzZZzzzzZzzZZz]
I'm awake dearest
repetition was my alarm
...I want to smell you again
for the first time
[sigh]
3 sep 2
day five of eyes and no voice
diversity as common
as that one grocery store offering and anything
just like every other grocery store
and I write
as I think
to question?
to calm?
to solve?
to pull to pieces
what I do not understand
left still questioning
wondering about calm
what I'm trying to solve
[...]
hah
he said fuck
---
neurotic
and giggles
walk to the music the way you do
mm mm
and you'l watch
is it you I walk this way for?
...say something
damnit
silence can last only so long
[right?]
I wish I could doodle with more than my workds
[break]
my mind is it odd
that when I think
I think I'm talking to you?
[Creamy Christ!]
and [ahahahhahhaah!]
he's a hicky on both sides of his neck!
and he looks like hell!
I'm happily distracted
from this 2a plus the square root of 2x-y
[ahahahahaha!]
...and another [haha]
I'm antisocial
......I don't smoke
[snicker]
3 sep 2
Legality
This voluntary association of individuals, otherwise known as society, has determined that a member of what we are as a whole becomes a legal adult when they reach the young, tender age of eighteen. Legal meaning: being capable of thinking and acting responsible for and of themselves, one who should no longer be dependent on their parents. Society's laws deem that parents are no longer responsible for their offspring as they are of an age where they should now have the essential skills to live daily life without the chiding reminders that are their parents.
Early in November of 2001, one young girl in particular impatiently counted down the days. Each day till her birthday she made plans for what she would and wouldn't do and could and couldn't do once she was legal by society's standards. As usual, she neglected to remember whose roof she was living under and whose rules she had to follow. Plans to move out to attain the freedom she had always dreamt of, to finally save up for the car that would drive her away from what she had grown to feel a prisoner of and other thoughts piled up jumbling her little mind up until the second before the clock struck midnight on November 7th.
Never had a birthday been anything special to this naive little girl, hopes and expectations she shouldn't have had were built up and waiting to be fulfilled. It wasn't a party she had planned or gifts to make up for what she had never received as a greedy little frivolous child that kept her awake and unable to dream. It was the fact that she could run away from what she didn't know how to deal with and hide from what she didn't understand. The law said she no longer had to live with her bread winner and listen to and follow through with what they said. It was her choice to do what she wanted and go where she willed. Once she was the big one-eight she could be whomever she dreamed.
Reality had itself in mind. Not really a harsh one but one she did not want to face, one she procrastinated to come to terms with. Her birthday had come and gone pretty much forgotten by everyone else. The cake she had decorated with white and dyed blue cream cheese frosting sweetly said "Happy Birthday Kate" and only she was the only one listening. An all too large one and eight mocked the large plans she had made which, in the end, meant as much as the numbers. All the little and big plans she had made were just that. Little and big plans never put into action because her fear of reality held her back. In truth, all turning eighteen had in store for her was the gradual but sure decline in memory, and motor skills, more responsibilities, being chronically poor, exhausted, hungry, and never having time to remember to breathe.
On that beautiful cloudy day in the middle of that wonderful Indian summer with a chocolate cake all to herself she celebrated what seemed to matter only to her. With the reminder that her problems seemed large to herself despite there being more immediate issues to deal with in this world, her world is her own and she can make it what she will. Just because this society which she was brought up in says something is so doesn't mean everyone agrees. It also doesn't mean everyone who made her world possible agrees.
Little did this girl, impatient to leave her childhood behind, know that society was playing a joke on her. As legal as she thought she was she was still a step behind, a step away from making her dreams and wishes more than they are now. Through the rather simple and yet excruciatingly difficult realizations she has come to believe she's not a step behind, but well into the step to be who she wants to be and not what society says she should be. Moving towards the dreams and wishes she always kept in her heart.
5 sep 2
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
my train of thought
is all over the place
....its kinna fun...
I keep giggling too.
these aren't helping me pass for more "professional" here
at work
although I am sporting a skirt and looking professional
as opposed to my normal jeans and a tshirt
...I was thumbing through the essays of some of my... classmates
and I'd like to cry
[pauses]
our language is sad. we no longer speak as it was taught.
[curses]
so um...
I didn't get to talk as long as I had wanted
and I probably left my mind worried [hug]
but don't.
aside from being
a touch sleepy
[bed time at 10!]
I feel good.
oh and hungry. I kinna need to pee too
[buahahahaha]
I'm missing the company birthday parties today
[cries]
I hope someone saves me some hollin hall cake
[pines]
miss mo came to mind after saying pines
[pines some more]
teehee
I woke two dears up this morning
and had a brief conversation with an answering machine
"hey how you doin? ...this...uh. morning"
"march 15th 2001."
"yeah.....right. so um. NO"
mike myers just came to mind "NO NO NO"
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
...I must go
[wiggles]
5 sep 2
[blank]
a side note [its not the meat its the beat]
go to town
or break it down
speaking of breaking
...twirl your hair once more
and your gnarled digits
will become entangled in more than you can handle
...I will admit
I did have coffee
and I was SO close
from not holding myself back
[squishes index and thumb fingers together]
THAT close
...I warn myself...
and so badly want to ignore my own warnings
[dies]
it was wonderful
to hear your voice
and he said I always talk about another
"him"
hymn you say?
La La?
ehehehehe
I got the first
question wrong
I keep forgetting
...does it mean I automatically fail at life?
who here is enforcing the rules?
[demands]
are you even paying
attention?
I've stopped taking notes altogether
and he said "how YOU doin?"
and I laughed
[a girl's giggle]
he always lends
me paper
and smells quite good
clean and fresh
not tiring or exhausted in the least
[inhale]
...damn that's me
I'm smelling
buahahaha
...what's YOUR story my curiosity?
5 sep 2
solitary
minus the tea
my usual companion
recognized admired
beauty printed
........... painted
........... professed
lay before me
unintelligble
my mind can not
[will not]
comprehend
what won't distract me
a bzzzzz_____zzzzzzzz
what are we trying
[to]?
say
sustinance for the
[soul mind heart]
kate
what do I hunger you ask
[what?]
ba____________bble
boo.
I can't pick it
my fingerprints
yes, they've lost themselves
my identiy
you are still a mystery
[to me]
clang clang
if only I had
[?a!]
speak speak speak
to me, listen
comma
I'm waiting for
silence to end
you said [what?]
I heard you not
[achoo]
your excuse me
is as silent as
[...]
shall I keep going
or do you want
to know the ending
[now]
ACTION
7 sep 2
hands breaking
broken falling
failing
holding on
holding back
letting go
twitching shaking
tired so tired
8 sep 2
in this crowd we're all saying the same thing
my voice sounds like my own
not flowing into the crowd
confirming what we all don't know for truth
is it the same for you?
is doubt ringing in your ears
your voice echoing in your mind
tickling at this question
[red eyes at night are blind]
9 sep 2
it was odd
I just hopped into the shower this morning
and a tantalizingly enticing scent washed over my mind
hahaha my perfume hadn't rubbed off in my sleep
I'm coming to love that smell
...a friend and I had a conversation about smells
it must be interesting for him as he lacks one of his senses
and another is stronger than all the rest as a whole
.... mmmm I could imagine that being a blessing and a curse
and signs.
yes.
I SCREAMED
...several times
[cheezes]
overall it was a GOOD movie
acting was AWESOME
plot was good and I was in a little ball the whole damn movie
curled up in my seat
[nods]
it was good
I wonder if I can
wake you up
[ponders]
10 sep 2
my mind!! what say you?
[wake up]
strange dreams had me in my sleep
[teehee]
J was at my house and my sister and I
we're trying to convince him to move to portland with us
instead he showed us the redesign he did
of my little brother's room which he called his own
...
and a girl from my church was going on and on about how she disliked
the name kate
it started with a k
oh that's just SO horrid
kate, she hated that name
then a classmate from elementary school
who was looking like quite the dashing young handsome man he's grown
to be
came over and gave her this look of "uh yeah PSYCHO"
and high fived me because his name was kris with a k
w00t!
hahaha
and in waking...
soft skin
sweet scents
and a want
...should I play a little game?
10 sep 2
[hunger]
an empty bench
save an ass or two
you seem to be offering
wares I don't want
ooof
and boredom
why do I let you linger so??
salvation!
where have I misplaced you
10 sep 2
hah I'm cheating can you tell?
repeat
[pause]
repeat
good god!
SHUT UP
you already said that
repeat
how long does it take
to say something
that takes a mere breath?
[ROAR]
oh excuse me
it slipped out
just like the monkeys?!'
whut?
[yes, confusion]
mmmmm
I think its all
cold now
[shivers]
ehehehehe
so
I'm quickly becoming a victim
of my consumer whorism
and I'm going out of control
[arm flies up and smacks a bystander]
I am a nervous twitch
I need to break
[snickers]
[screams]
10 sep 2
old anew
hell
in my own backyard
the boggy waters of my mind
and my thoughts
the flies buzzing next to my ears
its all only as bad as I let my imagination make it..
...there was a heaven
once
that I could run to and hide in for hours
but sleep isn't the consolation it used to be
there's something missing
just beyond the fog of my fears
I can feel that completion I used to have
before I let go of you
my sanity didn't
go
when your words became hollow vibrations
it was the fading shadows and the distance
that didn't help me forget
it was the silence and the screaming
that I let my life become
a mess at the front
door
and the back door is locked
so I'm left playing in my backyard
wondering when my walls will crumble
and I can stretch out of this fetal position
thats warping my spine...
warped my mind
into thinking
this is hell
11 sep 2
bad dreams have never been my forte
and usually I don't
have them
confusing yes
pointless yes
but never bad
...
it was odd because "after" I "woke up"
but not completely out of sleep
I was laying there in the process of slowly rolling over
thinking "god that's horrible. a bad dream. and why this?"
why this...
for some unknown reason brad was at my house
...my parents had invited him or some such
regardless of why he was there he was
feelings...overwhelming...thick in the air
like water in my lungs...
I can't breath I'm choking with sorrow
how can you hate me so?
how can you abhor me?
why do you have such disdain for me?
everywhere I went
I was followed by these ...vibes
everywhere I went
I could feel your eyes
searing into my soul
peeking into my mind
anger and hatred enveloping..
and then I stepped out for a "breath of fresh air"
I had other dreams...but
this is what disturbed me
my frustration from yesterday
is seeping into my dreams
and manifesting into my alter egos who mean something to me
[I saw stars this morning]
11 sep 2
hehehe
he said off hand
further distracting himself from biology
"you look like a china doll"
"you also look like one of those japanimation girls
the big eyes and stuff, especially your profile"
hahahahaha
do my eyes seem fake?
[shrugs]
I learned something tonight
teaching reminds me I already know
teaching helps me learn
its a wonderful process
and I even made some sense here and there
we both understood
...he smelled good too...
thank you for the
hugs
...I was late to western civ again
hahahaha
13 sep 2
I'm cheating again sorry.
I was tired last
night.
your comment "people are hilarious" couldn't be any more of
a way to cheer me up than.....
stuff
[buahahaha]
the little mannerisms have me smirking
in a vain attempt to smother a smile
and avoid laughing outloud
its the little multicolored
spots on her pantyhouse
and the way he sauntered into class
"too cool" shades making the attitude
but not him
he's always _just_
[insert generic name]
nothing more nothing less
I wonder what his story is
and
[PAUNCH!]
at least its tan?
you can't see you
can't see you can't see
I saved you a seat
[smiles]
14 sep
2
watching movies nonstop can be so exhausting
[passes out]
and I can't say
how I feel about [insert here]
I kind of [insert here]
but I contradict myself when I [insert here]
you don't know who I'm talking about
and I'm talking about a "you"
but I won't tell you who "you" are
until I figure out how I feel about [insert here]
its so difficult in fact it hurts
and I'm not sure how to deal
or if I even have time the will to
[insert here]
why?
16 sep 2
I was just hungry and boy was his car pimp.
he was oddly attractive. mmm,"a lil hum hum
to distract a thought
[extract]
so how does it feel
to have a body pressed against you
I can't even feel it
are we letting go?
[why am I holding on]
what's your mind
say
when you make a pretty girl smile?
17 sep
2
he smelled of spice
I walked bare foot
to my car after biology this evening
it was nice
thursday evening... I'll dance outside my car to... jazz [mmm]
...my lil brother noticed I trimmed my hair
its no longer a mullet. [winks]
I feel.... hmm
[I need to pee]
I emailed my sister
as much as she annoys me
and hurts my feelings
and as much as I don't feel she truly cares about me as a human being
and her sister
[as opposed to a peice of trash in her field of view that annoys her]
I'm still curious as to how she is
I'm still hoping she's doing well
I don't wish bad upon her
if I truly could send good karma
I would, she deserves it
[but]
a fellow graduate
saw me in the parking lot heading back into work
last person I thought I'd run into
and I didn't look
at you when addressing friend "A"
because you were an interesting stranger
and its "rude to stare"
fuck it. I'm gawking next time babe.
[winks]
hi.
18 sep 2
"An Image of Loveliness talked to me today." -- an away message
there was a boy
yesterday
he had a small birthmark near his cute button nose
"fun hair" a shade of honey in dirt
[ehehehe]
[I wonder]
you had me saying
"heeeeeelllll oh"
from across the room
can you hear me?
hooray for being
a girl
[evil glint in my eye]
ehehehehe
[I just want to
say fuck]
what the fuck am I talking about?
[confusion]
I'm craving that
homestyle bagel
[mmmmm]
19 sep 2
it makes
me feel so good knowing its me making you smile
knowing you're smiling, laughing, living, forgetting, remembering
[something is missing]
20 sep 2
look away look away
my sorrow filled eyes
his breath of smoke
will only burn [---]
and my favorite band was in my dream...[odd]
I'm....so tired...
[peeks out an eye half open]
what else is there to clean up in my life
I don't want to be saved, so what is it I.......need[?]
[roar]
20 sep 2
I borrowed,"I got to see the world
through the eyes of a child
and I blinked until I realized
it was just a reflection of myself
people walked by wondering
why I was sitting there in the street laughing
if only they knew
[---]
an explosion
in my mind
opened my eyes
to joy
and closed my heart
to you
[---]
the sky rained down
on us
pressing our shed clothes into the pavement
as we danced joyously in our skins
don't be ashamed of what you can't run away from
[---]
I feel so fake
I lost myself in your shadow
I lost my me in your love
and I'm here
to take it all back
[---]
I'm taking you down
because I wouldn't want to fall with anyone else
21 sep 2
I keep having the urge to pick up my phone
and hear a familiar voice
soothing to my mind
[smiles]
and maybe wander
up
to where I don't want to be
for a hug
one of [those] hugs
[nostalgic]
a few good things to remember
I didn't look your
way for several reasons
I didn't tell you what I don't know what to say
for several reasons
[whispers]
22 sep 2
I saw the end of the world
[he killed a girl]
and created a new one
[and the two met each other]
I cried
it was such a beautiful thing
23 sep
2
its hot in here
[its getting hot in here]
haha
...are you home yet?
get home already.
[pouts]
pointless classes
that let out really early
maybe aren't a waste of time
...are you awake
yet?
wake up already
[pouts]
I feel good [wiggles]
I drove with the windows cracked open
and some yummy funky house
trying to ooze out the windows
[crackle and static]
oh my. it's cool out
I must go.
24 sep 2
how can salvation feel like torture?
24 sep 2
what could the past want with me?
24 sep 2
I wanted to call a voice
dial any one
just so a voice was listening to me
its not just him bugging me
its [insert here]
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
I just don't know
I [hate] feeling like this
I'm out of touch
with so much
and too intouch with so much
and within that being too intouch
I'm too out of touch
and its driving me crazy
literally
I went places with
no where in mind
hoping I'd end up where I wanted to be
instead I felt more anxious than I have been in a long time
I don't want to
talk to you
I don't want to talk to you
I don't want to talk to you
to you
I want to scream
25 sep 2
all this background noise
buzzing louder than is easy to ignore
the past is a bitch who rears her ugly head
when we least expect it
completely caught me off guard
and what do I have to say about all of it?
[god I miss those hugs]
I'm not going to
dwell on it
I don't have the time
[laughs]
and here I am
merely said he wanted
to apologize cause I seemed pissed off
could we be any more vague and not answer my question in the least?
[wiggles]
oh well.
[shrugs]
not a damn clue
as usual
haha.. I haven't a damn clue.
[bed time!]
with kate? [winks]
26 sep 2
him (10:45:03 PM): i was gonna apologize but ok
kate (7:09:16 AM): .....I left my phone number up in my away message
so you could call me cause I was curious as to why after ...three months?
you wanted to talk to me.
I felt like you didn't care about me anymore. you had more important focuses in life, which was fine. but I was hurt. am I not entitled to my pain? it was SO hard to try to force myself to get over you. it sucks even more when I find myself hungering for one of your hugs. do you know what torture feels like? well it fucking sucks.
...it would be nice to talk to you at least... I'm not hating if that's what you think. I don't have time to hate. plus it would be hard to hate you.
I have to head to work. if you wake up in time before I head to class im me please.
if you don't ...
take care
26 sep
2
WOO! I'm dying
[grabs middle]
don't mind me...
mind...
have you forgotten the world still is
and you're no longer part of mine?
[insert maniacal laughter here]
I'm just kidding
I can't remove someone from my world
I can just realize they're more grey matter
to damper the background
a little less noise I no longer have to hear
my world is like a paper boat in a typhoon
[we're sinking el cap[eeh]tan!]
15609 file[s] found
mmmmmm
canteloupe in the shower
and my hair stuffs in and out of the shower? pineapple
[YUM]
I really do feel
shitty
I'm still smiling
[winces]
everyone's still
asleep
and my music for a companion
I've someone new to sleep with
she's a fucking heater
and kicks in her sleep
I wake when I know you're tossing and turning in your dreams
what is it troubling your mind reaching out for the misunderstood
...hahahahaha
28 sept 2
there's still a silence in this noise
when will the answer present itself
in a way that's understood by more
than this barking in the background
[shut up penny]
30 sept 2
you were sleeping next to me in my dreams
and I couldn't stop myself from cuddling into your form
I heard you whispering in your sleep
"we shouldn't be doing this"
then dad walked in and all of a sudden I was up
and walking around my room
I sat right next to your head
and he didn't see you
and penny didn't bark once
then it was shower time
I woke up late
and I could've talked at 1:13 in the morning
[he has a nack for waking me up in the middle of the night
I guess he likes the sound of kate groggy stylz haha]
I'm still missing something."
30 sept 2
a broken bed and a drowning pillow
call out for their lost mistress
dancing in dreams of stolen loves
forgotten emotions and mistaken illusions
borrowed identities shaken from sheets dirty with lies
lies of a broken bed a drowning mistress and a lost pillow
october
1 oct 2
I'm going
I can't take hiding behind doors
you who has the keys care not
call not say not and its gotten boring
[thanks]
I'm sleepy
no middle of the night phone call
the end of innocence you say?
[what's going on]
spiraling into the last dip
1 oct 2
... I... just dunno. last time I said goodbye and now he's saying hello
and you just said goodbye.
I'm still here for you.
3 oct 2
I'm slipping
I'm falling
I'm failing
I'm calling
and the ONE person who should answer
I'm not saying anything
[sigh]
no more.
he said all this will do is make me lonely.
and he's right
5 oct 2
see me smiling in the corner
the mischief in my eyes
6 oct 2
its too early in the morning
I feel a beatles song I don't know
popping into my mind
[nooooo!!]
dreaming of what
could be huh?
[bites lip] I just don't know.
...I'm so soft.
all that whining
inbetween the drops of water
it smelled like a fruit medly.
[yum]
8 oct 2
he just wouldn't shut up
he thought I'd be awake
so called to ask me
the stupidest damn question
"no but I'll help you study"
[sigh]
[blinks]
hah. I can't wait.
maybe this weekend.
[thinks]
mm mm.
maybe. that would be lovely.
I'm trying so hard to not walk around in circles. doing the same thing for the [counts fingers] fourth time now? I'm trying so hard to not walk into these walls [stubs toe] the ones I put up myself the ones I tear down myself. I'm trying so hard to not drown when I fall [hiccoughs] I'm learning how to breathe.
I made sure my undies
were right side out this time.
[winks]
9 oct 2
a lil hum hum
to distract a thought
[extract]
---
so how does it feel
to have a body pressed against you
and I can't even feel it
are we letting go?
[why am I holding on.]
---
what's your mind
say
when you make a pretty girl smile?
---
sickeningly sweet
peeking out from under that umbrella
standing alone in a puddle frozen at the sight
of her own reflection seeing her for no more than she is
a human wondering why others hold them as more than the name that became
them
---
[bippity]
chocolates never looked so lost
and a bossom of white
beckons from a distance
lay your head here love
hear --silence--
[thump thump]
---
I can't stop seeing
stars
...and what did you say?
behind anonymity
what's keeping us from admittance?
of the undiscernable
---
a little bit of
lemon
to hide a metal distaste
---
recycle used boyfriends
---
why only one person
he asked
[damn good question]
---
words for the masses
from a solitary soul
so much to give
and nothing to take
[lost]
9 oct 2
ah just the right consistency
...and another pee spot on the floor
[peels off a moist sock]
I was gonna wear those again tomorrow too
this song is about
vacancies
and exhaustion has me all sorts of hyper
my brain is winding down for bed time
[are you awake?]
hung up
a dial tone no longer
a voice in the middle of the night
vibrating in my mind
[this isn't in my dreams]
I'm awake
what was it I was doing
before I was burned
[ramen is too hot]
a secret you don't know
how to say hello?
goodbye. you feel me?
I don't understand.
fill me in.
[silence]
its time to go.
lingerie in my back pocket
dark thoughts in the sun
I never thought
and now you do?
three four five
months are weeks
weeks are days
days are hours
hours are minutes
minutes are seconds
all forgotten
10 oct 2
wings of dreams
curly hair in lost eyes
the sky falling overhead
puddles of silence
and its raining outside
[numb]
11 oct 2
[strangers]
I met a gentleman
today named [Guy]
his face was a shade of cured honeyed ham and his hair, threads of tarnished
broken gold. he has a story to tell. and if he could write to save his
life, he'd already have a movie made with grammy's and oscar's sitting
on his shelf.
before slipping off his plastic wrapped matress; before tossing back a bottle of gin; before taking that cold shower in order to sober up and be a good diligent little post man, he gently pulls the blanket back from his long haired mini dashchund's sweet little head and pets her until she wakes up.
his life on repeat has only skipped to a different track once. hidden under his bed is that one box everyone has. the box he never wants to throw away. the box he can never make himself touch. in the box are memories he won't let his mind remember. in that box is his love. the one person he had ever let his guard down for. the only person who should be sleeping next to him when he wakes up, not shera.
exhaustion had me
in her grasp last night
I don't even remember dreaming it was so fun
all the midnight carousing and running in the wet grass
laughing until the stars were crying in pain
and skipping rocks across the lake [winks]
sending them flying up racing for our feet
as we soared through the clouds
and wiped away the dew from our faces
we weren't crying
[honest]
12 oct 2
you've been forewarned
and if you haven't been
I'm warning you
I'm a warning to you
don't hold your breath
the concentration required
to remember to keep breathing
may make you blink
and you'll miss something
your step, your exit off stage right
your beginning when you get tired of the dial tone
you're being warned to only press the buttons
when you're ready to accept what the concequences may be
if you have to ask you're not ready to know
[inhale] take a peek [wink]
13 oct 2
boredom is beautiful
a puddle in the street
waiting to be jumped in
taken advantage of
and smeared all over a stranger
14 oct 2
an induced overwhelming feeling of calm
washed over my dreams last night
a cool[ing] dizzy[ing] effect
it was [EVER] so lovely seeing you yesterday
I'm moving. on. forward. out.
14 oct 2
seven in the car
and its four in the back
woulda been a happy sausage party
save for the driver
[waves]
last minute
lots of minutes
flown by in a single breath
an hour and a half capture on a receipt
"that'll be 101.32 for your total"
boys actually made
me want to go shopping
[buahahahahaa]
I miss you
and I missed you and he caught you
"hello? hello? it must've dropped out"
[hand off]
where did you go where did we go?
[goodbye]
before you knew it was ovah
something new was beginning
expectations?
I must've babbled about them once or twice
"things got
weird didn't they"
[nods]
I'm so sorry.
but god it was fun.
15 oct 2
we were standing in a crowd at the incubus concert
and there he was, playing with the sound, brandon boyd
I realized I didn't need my tickets as I was already in the front
so I gave them away
"you can get closer to the stage you know?
all you need are your tickets"
OOOH!!! can I have my tickets back??
[resentment at impatience]
I can't remember
anything else.
[blinks]
"so any drama
in your life right now?" he asked staring at the lenses of his
emo style glasses
[....actually no. I'm happy. I'm being relatively good. I'm telling
the truth. I'm not sneaking out anymore.]
"that's good to hear" was he hoping for something juicy? [hehe]
something starts
beating and breathing
an entity that is my own and yet its own
each moment growning when [insert]
each moment missing when [insert]
I miss you.
16 oct 2
what the hell does [he] mean??
cats tongue lost in my mouth
sore ankle and rubber ducky socks
"is that who I think it is??"
a reflection in my rear view mirror
"hey girl how you been?
we need to chill sometime
I'm up near huntsman"
woot! yeah ring my cellah
[beep!]
I will have ice
cream tonight
and after nine [swoon]
I'm gone from this world
you poor sods call reality
[winks]"
18 oct 2
he looked like joe dirt minus the mullet
unbeknownst to me
I travel the universe at night
every night in my sleep
I wish I could tell you stories
of my escapades
and the obscure fantasies
and dreams those have
where I wander in accidently
I wish I could go to the dreams
I want to see played out
[no lucid dreamer on this pillow]
a paper cut of a
reminder
and this mind refuses
to stop wandering around [---]
a mystery in the back
at the bottom of curiosity
flowing, fighting, fleeting
who deems it true
and just in this blinding light?
brightness eeks and evokes
touching tasting wanting
clam behind lashes
flashing a feeling in a flicker
wrapped in lace with a pretty face
how could it be forgotten?
chocolate melting
and innocence stirring
[never lost although found
a simple sweet song]
bringing to knowledge
an understanding
of what has always been there
[...] there's a story about a girl [...]
there's a story about a girl that tries to refuse to be told. A vagueness laced into her life that tickles curiosity into a question. One could start out with a physical description and hope to being painting a picture that is her reality, but beauty has never been a better liar. Eyes of honey in the sun, hair, feathers of a day dead raven, skin the color of a still-born with one last breath of life, and a physique to make any ballet dancing victoria's secret run way model die of envy. That's all great and grand and could steal away the breath of any blind man, but that isn't what makes her story worth telling. Its not what she is that brings everyone in and sends everyone running. Its who she is.
She knew in life there were few things one could depend on; taxes, death, change, herself, and starbucks opening at 6 on the dot. Change was a constant thought in her never silent mind. To better handle change she refused to have expectations. To avoid that feeling of being let down she depended on no one but herself. Life wasn't easy, life wasn't sad, and even though she didn't know what would be, she always went smiling.
19 oct 2
dog in arms set in wet grass
to get lost in your embrace
and I found where I so longed to be
cordial social and poliet
you forgot to take your shoes off
the first time I reminded you [winks]
and it all went well
[smiles]
21 oct 2
[stop]
[silence]
[sorrow]
[realization]
[pain]
21 oct 2
just when the sun starts shinning
and I go galavanting across the field
in the warm sweet air
I neglect to see the shit
I'm about to bound into
and the hole I "accidently" dug
which I'm going to fall into
shit stuck to my shoe
and I turned my eyes away from the light
someone [slap] some
sense into me
I keep forgetting I have it
when I'm staring at the flames on the stove
wondering if its as warm as it looks
cause I'm awfully cold
[excuse] [excuse] [excuse]
this is going to be hard
22 oct 2
when are we going to [happily evah aftah]?
taeper [taper?]
enough is just right
and what's lost
is what's found
when we forget
what is [he] saying, saying?
REPEAT!!
do you know what you're [trying to] say[ing]
ramble, elbmar
rar! roar?
oh yeah. --angel food cake!
mmm hunger.
work out time! [write] OW
I'm sorry. I wasn't
listening
something about [silence]
and sheets, curtains dancing in the sun
a breath on the breeze, sweetness in memory
can you imagine [beauty] beaten by love?
[I win!] love overcome by beauty?
beauty turned into love
beautiful love and lovely beauty
mmm cake
beautiful in love
my mind is elsewhere
[smile eyes closed a distant sound in a near by place
ringing true in a wandering thought amidst curiousty]
I burned my tongue.
23 oct 2
it was like skipping stones
on the canal [amelie]
my dreams hopping from one foot
to the next thought
the sand is too hot
must keep moving
I must've had to
pee really bad in my sleep
I walk into a unisex bathroom
with the strongest urge to empty my poor bladder
and all the other stalls are taken
except one where some ass hole clogged the toilet
and got pee EVERYWHERE
the urge to pee was so strong I went in that stall
and didn't even bother to close the door
somehow I got to finally go with a long line building up
everyone watching me struggle to not touch the pee all over the floor
and get mine in the flooded toilet.
STRANGE
I was driving with a friend to [somewhere and I have no idea who the
friend is]
the car was jam packed with supplies to go to the [beach?]
up ahead around this circle in the middle of the highway
is kat brady and another girl I knew from highschool
she had a HUGE rack. unbelieveably huge.
[something that would kill me in my sleep if I had em.]
she's emitting vibes of anger jealousy hate and all that other bad juju
stuff
[juju bees! or something]
he's talking to me about her but I can't hear what he's saying
I just see his lips moving
all of a sudden we're all in a room filling out a packet for anatomy
something about the eye [ocular piece?]
there are two other girls there
"can they really get that big over a summer?" I say completely
ignoring my blanket packet
"yup. she's gonna have back problems for the rest of her life.
I'd hate to be her. especially when she has kids. plus they're unattractive
in a cute string bikini. like you, you could pull off a cute lil sheer
black string bikini. you know just walk up to her. 'OH look! we're wearing
the same bathing suit! and mine doesn't look like its going to break!'
ya know?" says the girl with the perfect cocoa olive complexion
and tight spiral curls
STRANGER and BEWARE
I'm preparing for a wedding.
I'm in charge of everything. the food is cooked.
the dresses are prepared and well fitted on the bride and her bride's
maids
everything is ready except for some jeans that need some different stitching
everyone is depending on me
everyone is so proud
except this one boy who seems to have some sort of vendeta against me
I go outside to get something out of the car and walk away remembering
exactly where I parked it
this boy is "helping" me sew the jeans
there's some special way to get the sewing machine to work
and just as I get it to work it goes berserk
"hah that's the way to do it miss perfect"
its the last straw and I storm out of the building in tears
I'm so frustrated and stressed
I just can't take it anymore. PLEASE NO MORE.
I go out to my car to leave. AND ITS NOT THERE
time to panic [PANIC]
sister and dad pull up next to me
and there's shit all OVER the roof of the car
"You guys are morons! DO YOU KNOW THAT! Did you know you were driving
around with shit on the roof of the car??"
I'm surprised it all didn't fall off when she was driving
the car is jam packed with shit
[is lily going off to school or something?]
"YOU FUCKED UP THE SUSPENSION! YOU CAN'T DRIVE THE CAR ANYMORE!"
and more yelling. through my tears and cries [I'm literally sobbing.]
I can't hear a god damn word he's saying
for some odd reason lily is now in the backseat smiling at me
...me in tears
[shrugs]
24 oct 2
a bit absent minded today
exhaustion
hunger
drawing away
not a pretty picture
I just want to fall over somewhere
is your bed free? [bats lashes]
I'm not being productive
but I'm being....... good
within my limits.
I keep sticking my tongue out a lil bit
when I'm actually using some of my brain
...the poor thing.
it just wants some nurishment
or some stimulation
[smirk]
stimulation. EHEHEHE
computer works!
stranger enter here
[points]
25 oct 2
the o8 girl
"I don't know
what the hell it was.
but when I heard my phone making the
"you have a voicemail" noise this morning
deja vu? [shrugs]
it was strange. this memory flooded back [?]
[ring ring]
[pick up]
[voices... yours... your dads... I think]
is it ok to be calling him at this time?
I hope I'm not getting him in trouble
[hang up]
I have no idea if
it happened... or
if it was a dream...
speaking of dreams...
day two of strange dreams having to do with
either my highschool or _a_ highschool I'm attending
in this dream some girl told me I was pretty.
[shrugs]
I'm going crazy.
my mind is on a
downward spiral
look out next week folks
we just might be off schedule
26 oct 2
turning away and into
a mess undressed
"because they can't keep you under control"
27 oct 2
I'll never misbehave
[again]
what seemed to be
dismal
sad moments on the floor
penny wondering what I'm doing
tissues missing the trash can
as usual though it ended well
[thank you]
it ended more than well
and its more than begun
it only gets better from here
28 oct 2
it wasn't a bad dream persay...
but disconcerting as hell.
I work in a school
cafeteria or something
[ran the register or some such]
I was walking around and there weas a boy
[much like the blonde boy from Harry Potter]
who had this animosity and want to have what I have
he was ignored but a pebble in my shoe
[takes off her shoe]
so it moves onto brent and I at my house.
its late in the night and yet bright
[hooray for light pollution]
I feel so good so wholesome so happy
"its in the car"
[whatever it is he was going to give me]
so I sneak in through the back gate
and there's a boy there moving wood into
or near the house "I'll read your livejournal kate.
I will. I'll find it all out. I'll read it."
[uh. ok I'll even send you the link?]
sneak in the back passage into the house
walk by the front door and out the window
I see a black man on the porch with a gun to his head
"STOP IGNORING ME. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME
YOU WILL TALK TO ME. OPEN THE DOOR."
I'm not scared really. but startled as hell.
[wake up]
oh my god
I pick up my phone and send brent a vm
"I had a bad dream"
and try to fall back asleep.
but the image of the black guy with the gun to his head
on my front porch [which was amazingly vivid]
just won't go away.
[BEEP!]
29 oct 2
anyone wanna be me right now?
[assumes fetal position]
where are my covers to crawl under
where is my body to cuddle next to
where is my love to nurse me to health
[minus the naughty nurse get up]
sweet dreams were
hidden from me
in silent moans and squirming around
tormented in sleep exhaustion aching
showers cut short soaking on the floor
rolling around in a drenched towel
30 oct 2
last minute, thirty minutes plus fifteen too early
and I was out the door
before they had even gotten to the short answers
in the rain I forgot your car was silver
[honestly I thought it was some hue of brown or bronze]
and in the cold I was the warmest I had been since sunday
30 oct 2
sweet breakfast snack english style [wait isn't that an oxymoron],"a
gentle sweet aroma wafts from a ziplock bag filled with homemade scones,
plain and poppy seed. made at three this morning with just a little
too much whipping cream and the perfect amount of sugar. not quite crumbling
in the mouth, these scones seem to be a heavenly mix between moist yellow
cake and honeyed bread with a touch of lemon to wake the taste buds
early in the morrow. a simple glaze of powdered sugar teases the hint
of lemon into a game of tag and the lucky sod enjoying the scone is
left wondering whether or not they want another one now or a sip of
the accompanying beverage.
its about bed time and I'm just about to take the dogs out when my mom pauses in her crusade to the kitchen to ask me if I'd like scones for breakfast. "HELL YEAH!" smiling she walks to the fridge to see if she has all the ingredients.
"can you get me another thing of whipping cream from the basement?" I say yes by putting the extra carton in the fridge.
"goodnight mom."
I wake up the next morning to my dog's foot in my side and a familiar scent enveloping my room. its enough to pull me out of my cozy bed and running for the shower.
"What the--!" all the lights are off in the house and not even my dog is up to run around like crazy. I hop into the shower shrugging off the possibility that she might not have made the scones this morning. she never sleeps well when dad is out of town.
since its gotten cold out and I haven't forgotten that sophomore year when I showed up at school with icicles in my hair I peek quietly into my mom's room asking if I can borrow her blow dryer.
"the scones are downstairs on the stove and there's fresh pineapple cut on the counter."
"WHAAA??"
"I couldn't sleep at three this morning. have a good day dear and watch out for the sniper."
even though my mom is, well, very neurotic and a touch psycho, she cares for me. my appreciation may seem to only go so far as cleaning up her mess and putting away the left over food, but after saying thank you for the last eighteen some odd years of my life for all these little things I'm not sure thank you has the same meaning anymore.
31 oct 2
kate the blood drinking death demon is in house
"so is that... like... a school uniform?"
"ooh. those are some NICE boots."
"is that a prom dress?"
FUCK YOU
ok thank you.
really. I just need to eat.
I have a big bowl of mom's home made ramen
oh and. "YOU
GUYS SUCK." I said starving and freezing from inside the car
"don't say that. you have obligations." he said on the way
back from god knows where on his way to my favorite japanese restaurant,
knowing I'm starving to death and quickly on my way to becoming irritated.
[THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU CAN EAT THAT AREN'T FOOD]
I need to stop.
my brain hurts now.
maybe I should've gone to see you.
instead of coming home to this.
without you.
november
1 nov 2
[rooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaar]
I feel so incredibly anxious I'm ready to run scream kick stuff [bang
bang bang] I'm ready to cry, to eat way too much to sleep until tomorrow
I'm in your arms at some point not near enough in the future to make
me happy
ps anxious is BAD
3 nov 2
I miss you
[love] and your heart pounding out words
morse code through your chest
my chest echoing what my own heart was whispering
tracing letters you already know all along your you
5 nov 2
I tell the night air so that in its cold glaze you know I love you ...
mike harris and sean brady were in my dream last night mike ever so
obviously checking me out as I strutted past him balloon and skirt flipping
in my stride not a care in the world except one [mmm] and a cockroach!
[hah!] I said cock [snicker] actually... its a dead cricket broken legs
everywhere ...in...the corner and a sweet fresh scent dad saying "your
ass is sagging kate" "oh no daddy. my pants are just too big.
actually. I'm not sure if my ass shrank or my pants got bigger."
laughing he says, "other girls squeeze into their pants and my
daughter falls out of hers." ... I thought it said "drive
- an internal aroused condition that directs an orgasm" [smirk]
destiny? what is he talking about? falling in love because this, that
and [mmm] love. kehehehehe intrinsic motivation - a type of motivation
that engages people in various activities for no apparent reward except
the pleasure and satisfaction of the activity itself arousal theories
- suggests that people seek to maintain optimal levels of arousal by
actively changing their exposure to arousing stimuli BUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
he likes saying arousal ...and... x-back [blink] I would be happy watching
the grass grow with you [anything] with you would be ideal so long as
its with you my eyes were losing focus off to another plane of existence
rigid and warm smooth and mine eyelids for blankets and your smile tucks
me in in to sweet spontaneous dreams of your presence on my tongue the
tip of my mind and REM throws us into the dance ... [you being my professor]
you say we look for significant others who are quite like our parents?
we have friends who are much like our nuclear family? [taps her chin]
in some senses yes but mostly no. woo! he said kate! ok so it was really
evil bu-- [mmm] it always comes back to you I'm learning how to appreciate
in different ways [you] curled up and asleep waiting in the corner of
my mind a sweet gentle reminder [keeping reality in touch] that we are
both there [and here] always and forever"
6 nov 2
[smiles]
I have a thing for the sky its vast and endless within its boundries
that which is this universe
an arms length away
a life time away
its never ending
always expanding
and no longer exists
when no longer within our sights
but you.
and my feelings for you.
this beautiful love.
it is more than the universe to me
more than the sky I try to capture in a snap or twenty
my love is more than all the words I could say in a life time
of breaths [I love you] [I love you] [I love you]
I do I do I do and I always will
11 nov 2
let me consult
the book.
[looks in bag]
repeat
and [pause]
time stops for no[thing]one
hide behind weighted curls
, girl.
we all [...]
the rain has the message all muddy
running in the puddle
[splash]
drown
feel good
feel [lost]
or so the hoodie says
do you [?]
do you [.]
see what I'm doing
to me this effect
this affect
the flashing lights
[pause]
its postponed
repeat the end.
14 nov 2
my brain is killing me
its gasping for air
it just wants freedom
[wraps another layer of ductape around skull]
16 nov 2
a [life] of our own reproduction wasted in smut and this biology of
dreams
16 nov 2
[see]
blinking blind into tomorrow night only a pillow away
16 nov 2
silence inside and out
food for the soul
soul for the food
[oops] soul food [what?]
I still don't get it.
19 nov 2
its what's in there that I can understand
fingers beggin to
flow
and fly away in this breaze trapped in gloves
hidden from a biting cold
nibbling gnawing freezing
shivering in bottomless pockets
words tapping at the wall
listening for cracks to slip out
and into freedom
hoping to find their way
to eyes and ears
to fall off lips in a breath
a breath of warmth
to breathe life
into dead thoughts dead
or forgotten [they're not gone]
its all happened again
there's still something eating away at a thought
one I can't comprehend
[sometimes I'm visual]
I just don't know
don't ask me to make sense
because I'm still dueling with confusion
[you can multiply by stuff]
paper waiting to soak up what seeps out
neglected [censored] chorus repeated lyrics forgotten meanings to words
replaced
removed rewritten emotions rising only to fall frowning only to lie
I speak to no end
my words echoed back
with a completely new meaning
never voicing what I haven't figured out
what to say you see [?]
try to set aside
what can't be deniend in the end
[the end]
20 nov 2
reality! you horrid thing! truth why are you the way you are unrelenting
and not loved in this society we'd take superficiality over what we
don't really want to know any day its the society we make ourselves
live in because we fear well fear no longer my dears I can't take it
anymore reality is dragging me down and through the dust I can't take
it anymore its not giving up its realising what I can't ignore like
an eyelash on my contact I'm not running away to say but to say what
to say if would just be hiding under the blankets just for one more
hour just until the heat turns back on just until the sun starts going
down I can't take it anymore no matter what despite everything the truth
wins in the end [is it for the best?]
21 nov 2
where do we go from no where?
where do I go from here?
a step forward out of this vaccum
I'd like to run home screaming and crying saying look at what you made
me do
look at who you're making me be see
what you're doing to me
when I know....nothing... not a thing...
it has changed. sometimes you can dress em up
but you can't take em out and sometimes you can take em out but you
can't dress em up.
[heh] old faces said hi young faces
I didn't recognize
"well that's a good thing isn't it?"
[I haven't decided yet]
I smell like an old lady cause an old lady hugged me [jibblies] the
stalls made me think of elementary school although I remember the stalls
at silverbrook to be the normal height have to remember though, I was
awfully short then [heh] I remember when I was young I so badly wished
my hair would curl mom and I would wake up early and we'd put loads
of mousse [sp?] and hair spray anything to make the curls stay by noon
though, they'd have drooped to unreasonable waves and now... well. you
know. I'm not sure if I'm going to suck it up. and struggle along [I'm
so tired of being a "trooper"] I'm not sure if I'm going to
wallow in self pity and wonder why I said what I did but I did and I'm
still not sure I'm not sure if I'm going to dwell on this and wonder
if we'll both keep our promises despite everything said and the silence
[should I hope?]
25 nov 2
sorry for waking you up [honest]
sometimes it pays to be cute
and somtimes its best to [say] goodbye
a curiousity you say?
caution its all going to [crumble]
in 10, 49, 83, 2, -5
what? do you know what you're [saying] hello and goodbye sunrise...
elipse,
meaning not all was inserted [text] eclipse, meaning what is the truth
you're awesome [-----]
143 you say.
I've never owned a pager.
25 nov
2
I get bored sometimes
and I'm damn glad I'm not in kansas anymore
[have I ever been]
I'd like to keep it that way but really.
there was a rainbow just sitting in the sky
I snatched its soul
and now I'm going to spread it
like watered down magerine all over the net
such a sweet beautiful soul
every aspect of it we wish we ourselves could only dream of having
[empty]
and not even pushing 30 yet where did we let ourselves go all the while
driving into last night tomorrow
[FIN]
december
1 dec
2
I'm talking to myself
be quiet.
[oh my]
I've already said
[whisper]
what you've known for
[looks at hand]
how long now?
what say you
what you've already said
what say you
2 dec 2
I'm live
can you hear me?
[static]
turn the volume off
[mute] me
as I know you have me
I'm fighting the air hear
[struggles to breathe]
4 dec 2
what's it like listening to my silence
its so loud when all you can hear
are your thoughts pounding into your ear drums
and the wheels flying away from the road
what happens when I tell you the truth?
8 dec 2
because I feel I have nothing else
I'm tearing myself up
tearing myself down
dragging myself no where
as I've already hit the ground
and don't say a
fucking word
just shut up
your silence kills me
I know what you won't say
your lips never conveyed yourself
as well as your eyes and your plain face
I'm doing this to
myself
in my aggrivation I feel like I can't do anything
its my own hands holding back sweet air
[break]
10 dec
2
wow I've never been in this stall before
she was like a big version of what could be hot
and my ankles...they're frozen
you know, I wonder how long I can drive on empty
[crashes and burns]
one of the good things about falling
is picking yourself back up
when rebound is real
[wakes up]
wake up and we'll
se
where we are
who wer are
what we've let ourselves become
this bad twitch
can't shake itself off
[runs around]
did I tell you?
I can't remember what color my undies are
at least I can remember I put them o--
oooooooooooh shit
haha
maybe I'm bipolar
what's the diagnosis doctor?
[plays with stethascope]
and yesterday
"say something" - boy 1
"you first" - boy 2
[watch me walk by]
"silence}
the urge to turn around
and say "ASS" then walk off
was really hard to overcome
[sigh]
but I did
I don't want to leave this
"wonderful" institute
being know as
"the girl who made boys cry"
[smirk]
you're so difficult
why can't it all just slip into place
its all so difficult
let it all [pass]
us by
the last opportunity into the next
and your words keep falling
your hopes still failing
when can we let
this all
[stop]
12 dec 2
I found my mind
its still missing
but in its own state
[county?]
a week late in fun
a life time spent in the sun
[I wish...we wish]
a wish come true, how lonely.
the other day
silence so often
calming and comforting
kills the slowest, the longest
time, which we never have enough of
flies by the fastest
I am what I have
to be
[right now]
in order to survive
if I let it all go
am I not just losing myself?
or will I free myself
from these invisible chains
tying me to a prison ......
blah blah blah
I've fallen out
of the dance
that is this daily life
watching the steps pass me by
trying to jump back in
wondering if the rythm will still be the same
if I learned anything
at all in that horrid bio class
it was that environments are always changing
[which is obviously a given]
and organisms are always adapting
so when a situation arises that catches me off guard
I should be able to swing the bat even in the dark
[I was caught off guard this past week]
I'm listening to
you speak
your words talk for themself
the look in your eye betrays
and the truth plays on the edge of danger
a painful game in this fake society
why do I ask? why
do we question?
to what end does thought get us?
my rambling leads me no where
but in circles in dizzy steps
I walkinto another thought
a glaze in my eyes a whisper in my breath
and you've lost me
ding! pies are done!
look away, love,
from what has you on end
oh god if they play any more christmas music
reason number 124973498712303.1228 to hate the christmas holiday
reason 2 is all the fake christmas cheer
we're such an insincere society
one of the best countries of actors
we set ourselves up for parts in this play of life
wondering what our next line should be
what scene to walk in to
and when to walk out of the last scene
[repeat]
will the meaning
of christmas to me ever change into what the media says it should be?
or will this spite and hate towards needless stress ever diminish into
a warm fuzzy feeling?
13 dec 2
more! more!
work that vagueness!
tell a tale in a way that it peeks at an underlying story
when in truth you're being as straight forward as your story is vague.
[shrugs]
or as my english teacher would say "I want details."
I saw something somewhere that said "reality is a bore."
when in truth WE ARE MERELY A PRODUCT OF OUR IMAGINATIONS
I pity the poor bastards who've killed their imaginations
or refused to believe they ever really existed.
"argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are your own."
sometimes I wonder if I should feel odd when around my past. I remember when I touched you like I've never touched anyone else... and it all went away. painted up feelings prove to be black and white in the face of truth and reality within my own imagination. regret doesn't taint the hue of the vivid colors. regret is a lesson in patience and fortitude [?]
I'm afraid I'm in
love with words
[whisper]
13 dec 2
love in words never captured a heart any swifter
--
[blush ]
...quite honestly... your words have taken my breath away. sadly I must
say... that never have words that evoke such feelings and butterflies
ever been written so well and... make me wonder what I can say in response...
I've tried and erased several attempts starting last night and continuing this morning... thank you comes to mind... but it doesn't seem sufficient in the least... your words deserve more than a simple thank you... but my mind is a puddle at my feet one that wouldn't mind reading or hearing more of your words... they could be about anything. heh.
I tried looking for some more of your presence online but only found your name and your eyes peaking innocently and mysteriously ((hehe scorpios)) over a turtle neck... know where I can loose myself in your beautiful words for a short while?
--
in life, love and
the truth there is pain
why avoid it, lie to myself, hide from it
when wherever I go there it is?
I don't see any reason to be anything but honest and straight forward...
...I'm still learning
what love is...
think I will be my whole life
but I can now better discern it from other emotions and feelings in
this mess of a world
the rest...of your beautiful thoughts... leave me sitting here rereading it again and again not wanting to spoil it in an attempt to... * ... I don't even know. I'm stunned to complacency.
not that I'm extremely proud of all my work... but have I bored you with eye candy or something to tickle a thought to permanency? if not I'll add a lil snippet here and there (:
--
a little girls whisper is not too much to ask...for it is all I have to offer. a moment or a life time. maybe I'll say something to remember. maybe my mind will still be blank from the last email that stills my thoughts and sends my sometimes silly heart to something more than a brisk walk.
I would say I wish I could give you more but my conscience doesn't allow it. I would also say I'm sorry... but I am not. ((I can only control my own feelings and thoughts))
you are inspiration.
--
I...... don't know if I'm loved the way you paint it. I've never known or felt anything that beautiful. and they are merely words. I wait for the day your words spoken with a feeling unknown to me, can grace my soul and my heart will dance filled with a joy I didn't know could occupy a space so small.
one day in more than a dream...
--
sometimes I dream of being a kate among katies and katherines a kate who makes the name a description of how someone is who someone is. I dream of sunny days and smiles on every sad face brightening with the feeling of happiness disipating the cloud of doubt and fear that was cast over their eyes. I dream of introducing a beauty, renewing an appreciation for the beauty of the human body through photography and literature. I dream of capturing feelings and emotions and evoking them in others through contrats and shapes beginning to be touched and loved. I dream of arms always being there, always asking for an embrace, and lips and finger tips to dry my tears if I ever choose to shed a tear. I dream of beautiful words to woo my mind and soul and beautiful words to paint this ugly world into an even more beautiful reality. I dream of a presence that makes me feel beautiful. I dream of a presence that I make feel equally beautiful. I dream of contentment and a mellow happiness like a warm bath filled with bubbles and rose petals. I dream of my passions helping me leave every one a little something to remember themselves by.
...when I hurt or laugh... I usually turn in and wish for somewhere to go. my thoughts are my companion always. I do have a certain someone in my life. but...the mood I'm in right now has me doubting of all sorts and I don't know what to do. I'm not letting it get to me too much as this is merely one of my moods. I'm waiting until I can pick myself up again. (:
who am I? I am kate.
where do I want to go? everywhere.
--
...I'm moved to...I don't know what to name it. but I have no stray thoughts weighting down my mind. the fact that a simple soul such as myself and my inane babble can move someone to feel what I wish someone else would move me to feel is completely unbelievable. ...that person is you... you inspire me to feel what I've always dreamt of feeling. ((after watching amelie its all the more wanted)) all alone in the dark staring blankly at my thoughts. I sit smiling imaging how it might feel if it were truely real.
you say you know I'm in love with a boy. but I don't know if I truely am. it has only been weeks since I first felt his arms around me. my body is completely stimulated and in constant want of his presence. but my mind which is the major decider hasn't yet said yes or no. as things stand ...I have to say no. my mind has nothing to work with in this. ...my sister said I'm smarter than him...and I must say she's right.
words translating into feelings
lost fingertips against the screen
a restless soul craving yerning
and distance is the only barrier
emotions painted in a way
shapes and colors could not begin
to woo the eye and mind into understanding
love a breath and leagues away
from touching a heart that knows no boundries
and cries out to share what overwhelms
that span of time between one blink and the next
I do not know what to say in response to your beauty and yet here I
am typing with my eyes closed.
--
I am in love
I am in love
with your words that are you
and your feelings which do not know how to lie
I am in love
with a reality
so far away you are my dream
I am in love
I am in love
with a breath so sweet
and a voice cooing my heart, my soul, my body, my mind
I am in love
...
why--how do you do this to me?
--
not quite all is
well in this land of kate
a little secret of hers tumbled into reality
and now she has to deal with the consequences
...she knew there would be consequences
but she didn't think they would be along these lines...
...so despite a
little confrontation that's begging for closure
I am as well as I can be considering the circumstances...
I do however miss an embrace and a warmth by my side
but I'll have my time to enjoy that forever and a day
maybe tomorrow maybe next week maybe next year
I must say your
words motivate me to fly to you
to see what I can do with this inspiration you burn within me
to see how far I can take it how far we can take us
to see if I'm at home in such a foreign place with such a beautiful
soul
I think about you
when the lights have gone out and when the sun is waking up
I wonder what beauty you're bestowing is falling about in your mind
falling from you fingers and your lips I'm curious to see
sadly all I've seen is your mysterious eyes and the rest of you hiding
behind a turtle neck
do take care. heh, it seems odd. but. I miss you.
wherever I go, there your thoughts are playing in my mind. what a welcome distraction.
thank you.
16 dec 2
I wrote on my situation
I'd like to ride away in its wake
...can you guess what it's always about?
mine eyes are sliding into a world of make believe and true lies
never has the sky
been so blue
or your mind so clear
amidst the dew on
virginity
you lost yourself in details you couldn't see
silence, your lover
in the clouds
a sweet taste to your ears
[kiss]
18 dec 2
I was just kidding
I'm done flirting
with love.
hopefully I'll see you soon
19 dec 2
what do you think it means?
its only an away message
I won't do what
you asked me not to do.
[smirk]
I have it as a keepsake now
thank you love. really.
[brain dies]
....what?
20 dec 2
when I was younger
I used to think
birds couldn't fly in the rain
I used to think their wings wouldn't work when they sky was falling
upon them
I used to think ignorance was bliss until curiosity stabbed me in the side
21 dec 2
I don't know what it is about the lavender bath soap
but my brain seems to love it
its something of a debilitating effect
I just want to crumble into a heap in the tub
lay there until my brain kicks back in
I'm wandering out to that body works or whatever its called store
and getting lavender oils and perfums if I can find them.
[mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm]
this enlightenment has been brough to kate by daniel
[thank you]
22 dec 2
toppling, falling flying
into and away from
yesterday and tomorrow
everything tetters on the horizon
almost too close to burning
flames in words and looks
passion on the verge of insanity
its grasp suffocating life out of a forgotten doll
a shelf losing grip of stability
and gravity becomes yet another burden
a pebble to bring down the mountain
cracking, crashing, crumbling
slowing to a whisper in thought
a breath on the breeze of a storm
erupting today into showers
of unspoken praise and neglected pharses
bringing quickly death to the past
and slowly life to possibility and hope
probability and circumstance wool
over the eyes of innocence
truth was an ending no one expected
truth is an ending a beginning
to you
23 dec 2
do you know
how much I miss
you?
the caliber of what you've done?
what simple little words do?
what simple little words don't do?
did you mean to?
I mean really... why?
it.... my... just...
sense...
let me fly away
already.
I can't take much more.
did I already say this?
I'm so tired of
living for someone else
when will I be allowed to live for myself
when will I be allowed [period]
all these wasted
tears
all in vain
silly stupid petty vain
I drown myself in it
seemingly on accident
but now time stops
only to repeat itself in the morrow
the same raised
voices
the same different mistakes
the same frustrations
the same clean dirty secrets
we are own lies
how are you living yours?
24 dec 2
I let my thoughts wander to ones of you and you and you
a mist glazes over my mind
nostolgia melancholy hunger
a smile creeps into my heart
a blank stare dresses my face
empty hollow the wake up call I didn't request
you who holds so much has so little
you who consists of so many consists of so little
a gentle reminder, barbed wire around my neck
was it ever... was it ever.
26 dec 2
its not safe...
[smirk]
do you remember?
that one time?
that one place?
that one feeling?
that one touch?
do you remember?
the crow
counting crows
your profile is
silent
your face even more so
and your lips?
your eyes?
and your finger tips?
[and my lies?]
I think I'm just hungry.
[hehehehehe]
26 dec 2
originality
[repeat]
true dreams
on rerun
verse, dead air
stagnant in the mind
a lost photo in a blink
breath released
in a smile
[teehee]
birthed into innocence
sending a flutter
her hands up
we had too much
at one point
and no one cared
to say ...
--pause--
28 dec 2
keep looking back
[I] keep looking back
when are you coming
home?
when am [I] leaving home?
to make my own. find my own.
is it really all understood
....I'm worried.....
30 dec 2
sometimes we just can't help ourselves
and then where do we go? what do we do?
when our own mind is conflicting with itself
arguing with alter egos
what ifing with the emotions of the mind
that tease and kill at our everything
poison in the water to throw us off step
sometimes we just
forget to help ourselves
because we're convinced we can do nothing else
we _know_ what is outside our power
and how far our touch can reach
how far our steps can not go
sometimes we forget
we can help ourselves
because we run away from ourselves
a little bit of denial goes a long way
we reach out to others and neglect the real problem
_do you need_
when we ourselves are empty
how can we give what we don't have
how do we get what we refuse ourselves
[...]
31 dec 2
no more. please. no more.
I can't put words
to it
I can't put thoughts to it
I can't put emotions to it
I can't put breaths to it
I can't........
I just can't....
anymore...
I just can't stop......
did I really bring
this upon myself?
am I really this horrible of a daughter?
am I really this much of a problem?
am I really this much of a mistake?
2003
january
1 jan
3
I look like hell sold itself to ugly
slipping away
always slipping
I'm waiting
always waiting
I'ven't lost you
I'm losing myself
loosing myself
upon this.....nothing
goodbye hello
hello goodbye
I won't see anyone tomorrow
I'll see myself slipping into goodbye tonight
photos to follow
[love]
you said why wouldnt you live...?
2 jan 3
I want to be sad in your arms
I want to be sad in your embrace
don't mind me hiding amidst myself
don't mind me hiding from you
hiding from your embrace
hiding from your arms
blahfuckinglblahdidiblahblah
I feel like a whine fucking baby
please ignore me until the week school starts
[should've expected this]
[sigh]
3 jan 3
sex kitten
[PROWR!]
in my exhaustion
I'm dancing in a haze
the world a fuzzy glimmer in my eyes
a stumbling step into a stupor
and I fall again. slower than last time.
more careful than the first time.
harder than I've ever ached before.
a blink is like a life time
a breath is like a lifetime without love
and love it just may be slipping into place
and out of lace and sweetness as a cover
truth and words never flowed so well
when we truly want to say what we mean
lights flashing and stars falling
darkness born out of silence
and smothered into death in a sea of blue
I'm watching.
4 jan 3
like [uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhn]
I don't know what to say anymore
...back breaking
heart faking
an attack
of the supernatural
the misunderstood
and just missed
woo! they said
wait he said
till what life time I wondered
am I misunderstanding?
doubt you are a BAD lover
now f-off you antagonist!
5 jan 3
[wiggles]
I'm losing my dance
forget what my touch is like?
did you ever know?
6 jan 3
it all wants to fall out
locked up held back
the flood is strong
but knowledge is a reminder
survival is required in this battle
...and then he asked
me how life was....
"I'm having problems"
[UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR]
we all are. haha. hah
I didn't say what was running to the tip of my tongue
to dive off to an unpending death
that could've sent the car hurdling into the intersection
myself flying into a snowplow of problems
leaving me buried under feet of snow earth and more problems than I
need
more than I already have
I'm still on the
appetizer
....if not still gawking at the menu.
what shall I have this lifetime?
[snap]
8 jan 3
note: I can _not_ spell
calm and anxiety
are ready to consume
in a multitude of evil kisses
[love!]
9 jan 3
[pause]
my eyes should be
bouncing back and forth in their cozy lil sockets
instead their blankly staring at this screen everything a fuzzy image
hopefully it'll just be a day
and this one time...
I was just waiting...
and [BAM!]
it was so powerful I fell
the waiting continued
as the darkness brightened
the wind whispering in my ear
you're not being patient
my lips hearing doubt...
can you imagine that?
9 jan 3
hahaha
words and thoughts
lost in this tangle of a fog
I'm kicking rocks I can't see hearing waves I can't feel
and hungering for what I won't taste for too long already
you're as bad a tease as I am
13 jan 3
I've gone black and white in the eyes
a touch of grey and contrast in the mind
remember that one
time in our past?
when we kissed beneath those clouds
and you blushed behind your arms
curled around your legs instead of me
I ached for your voice again and again
to make beauty of everything
and the stars in your eyes
and mine lost in yours
remember it like the dream it was
the one fading from your lips
like mist in a lost cold winter heart
14 jan 3
I had thoughts
and then I had thoughts
then someone said
"would anyone like to try a raspberry mocha latte?"
the raspberry bit threw me off
WHO KNEW SOMETHING SO INNOCENT
with a touch of whipped cream and red sprinkles
COULD BE SO NAUGHTY AND EVIL!?
my brain is sending me spiraling
flying for the floor and thoughts of you
and what I still remember it feels like
I talked to another
past and bit my lip
I wanted to laugh and blush
but food would have landed in one of our laps
my bed is calling
me
you know the one with a missing imaginary lover?
yeah that bed. its whispering sweet nothings
in my blocked up stopped up ears
my coffee mind fucked mind
"such a powerful little bean"
...wins every time...
next time its you
and I in the ring though...
I'm taking you DOWN
15 jan 3
just in case you missed it [again] today
I'm repeating myself in words I don't know
I'm laughing on the inside of what I lost
I let go too soon and held on for too long
sometimes everything will be just fine
at least that's what the radio says through the static
we forget the media lies every possible way
as much as I know I don't need you
I know it would be quite nice having you
an addiction I know may and probably will kill me in the end
one way or the other I'm bringing you down with me
16 jan 3
stop telling me to stop
stop telling me to do
and finally do
at this point I don't care anymore
just do [something] [anything]
fly by ...away... into
just go... make a move
remember though...
cruise control is gone
and this ride doesn't come with power steering
the seatbelts are rusted
and the windshield is on the verge of shatter
you're driving on balled tires
are you ready to fly into the intersection
gravity waving goodbye to the earth
what do you say, where do you go, what do you do?
20 jan 3
I can feel exhaustion
sight falling in and out
fuzzy and out of focus
words in a dance I can't see
something about cows
chocolate and affection
just a little kiss
a little taste to my lips
something about sleep
you said sexual
hahahahahaha
I'm drunk on exhaustion again
what's love mommie?
21 jan 3
flurries again today
it was sweet and cold
beautiful sweeping away
a flake lost in my lashes
blinking my tears to ice
I don't mind this hunger
22 jan 3
its too good to be true
whispers on the wind
a little hope in the night
dying stars exploding
remembered words
on lips aching to burn
memories out of lost minds
a game ending
before the beginning faded
23 jan 3
I can't say it anymore
I can't take it anymore
I can't hold it anymore
I can't stand it anymore
I can't stop it anymore
I can't start it anymore
I can't care anymore
I can't wish anymore
I can't hope anymore
I can't [____] anymore
24 jan
3
I've always wanted to say that
I just wanted to say thank you
and I'm sorry
you know why
and you know when
I should've said what I didn't
I shouldn't have said what I did
you don't know what missing you is like
25 jan 3
[repeat]
I'm a broken record of late
or maybe just my emotions
my lips are the product of them
whispering in my sleep what I can't deny
I miss you so much
and here's the repeat
you don't know what missing you is like
I miss your smell
I miss your embrace
I miss your smile that peaks off the side of your face
I miss the blue and green in your eye
[smiles] soon though. I won't have to.
26 jan 3
secretly notes
--little things that they are--
left in a title
whispered in a song
walking around in circles
burning words
on a stolen tongue
a breath lost
not forgotten
misplaced
on your earlobe
a nibble
in the wrong place
and she's down
her own flood
washing her away
tomorrow isn't
tomorrow wasn't
I don't want to
watch you from where I am
so I try to run away from what can't be mine
a tease in the night and I wake to an aching feeling
deep inside that maybe I'm trying to deny
that maybe I'm making myself believe is real
is it really all that obvious?
sometimes I wonder why I wonder if they were wasted days
sometimes I ignore the fact that tomorrow won't happen without today
and today wouldn't be what it is without yesterday.
even if we don't like today and really didn't like yesterday
in the end its always back to sometimes, what if, I wish, could have,
would have, should have
everythings too loud tonight
february
5 feb
3
exhaustion I might win tonight
my mind, don't let go
I'm holding on
there's no turning back now
we'll wiggle ourselves
into new memories
and laugh at the snap shots
littering the floor
our feet flying
clouds at our ankles
ready for the second number?
6 feb 3
I'm done with yesterday, would you like it now?
should we play remember when
or make up some of our own?
[or]
do you remember
inevitablilty in yesterday
and that emphasis in your smile
brought on by the possibility of tomorrow
your feet moving with a life of their own
laughter flying off your breath
when you felt silence on your tongue
7 feb 3
she said they were something of an ocean
as the tides change and the color with them
sometimes moods
will settle and set
and we find ourselves what feels
like comfort in "their" arms
are you ready to be carried home?
8 feb 3
I see you
I hear you
I feel you
in the dark wandering
around
in the silence listening for nothing
under the covers reaching for what was never there
comfort is hiding
in a smirk on a face you couldn't imagine
in your wildest dreams you always feel your feet carrying you
running away and into what you don't know you don't want
11 feb 2
I'm looking for you in all this traffic
static on the radio I hear a whisper of you
in the crowd a commercial of a dream
we never want to run from
we ingrain you in the minds of our children
the disillusionment fades with the setting of the sun
but you, you to me
I see you walking lost shoes untied
waiting to fall into a puddle of eyes
reflections of the sky and roses aching to caress your skin
moisture gone from your lips
fingertips
I see you slipping
your smile peaking
from behind those clouds
displeasure suits you
as well as you look with your hair fixed
coherency a poison in your mind
it was only moments
after I walked into what I thought was your sight
not even in the corner of your mind
we wonder why we try
we wonder why we bother failing
victory and triumph a bedtime story we're tired of hearing
why do I smile at you, you stranger you
a face in that crowd I'm happy I get to glance upon
and all you do is walk away
color in your cheeks swallowed along with your tongue
am I a reason to lie to yourself?
am I a reason to convince yourself that you can't?
you just don't know how?
where to start has you bewildered and lost
just like your thoughts
at your finger tips and miles away from your lips
you dance over the keys "I" and "l"
hovering like a helicopter flying on zero
twitch at the bad music
playing in your mind
that one episode reruning,
you know, the show you hate,
with that actress who couldn't act better than your dead fish
whom you flushed down the toilet when you were seven
god you cried when herbert died
and when you were telling this story to sharon
she just sat and blinked
pursing her lips in an effort to keep up
by then your stream of conscience had grown up
and into everything sharon was dreaming about
when she first learned how to smile
on your silent lips
you remember a taste
something of an ice tea you remember sipping
when that one thing happened
and you ask me to play along.
"do you remember that one time?"
"that one song was playing right?"
"and you got up and danced in the crowd..."
"and you laughed in that embarrassed way you laugh when you wish I wouldn't do things like that?"
"and you accidently knocked the drink out of that guys hands!"
"and before he left that night he had given me his number and kissed my hand [razz]"
"and I just laughed at you because he didn't know..."
"and you didn't until I told you! hahaha I remember..."
"and then when we were leaving we found a rose on your windshield. [wink]"
oh the memories we could have made
if only... if only...
and then again, if only.
its ok today. it might not have been ok yesterday.
but its ok today. there's always another day.
12 feb 3
actually
I miss the anticipation
the butterflies before I meet you
pressure against my lips
your breath on my upper lip
arms enveloping
I'm all buttons under your fingers
one sensation after another
fireworks in my mind
sparklers up and down my spine
universes rebirth behind my eyelids
stolen breaths words now on your lips
unsaid and unshed
a mystery in your smile
and it all went away....
what would we be like now if we were still?
15 feb 3
I've learned.
now I'm going to live.
with or without you
I know now is better"
16 feb 3
I have to go this time
for the last time
chocolate on my finger
lips licked and a smile faded
steam fogging broken windows
do you see? DO YOU SEE?
I see
how it is, how it was, how it never will be
and I'm conflicted
yes you're right. sometimes you're always right.
I shouldn't need someone to feel happy
but sometimes... I just mean... sometimes...
you know what I mean, yes?
you knew last time, in a confused sort of way
you try so hard to follow
you try so hard to try
and then he says "you don't try, you do or do not"
what about yesterday?
today, I didn't.
let's not should have, could have, would have
and what if into tomorrow
I think I hate you
17 feb 3
a feeling of...
eyes closed a smile
happily sitting between my cheeks
a feeling of...
happiness and ease
its so simple so simple
"I drove south with my hands on the wheel and your taste in my
mouth"
how many times has this played in my mind
as I sat at the "traffic light, light, light, light, light
janine I drink you up."
"everybody, yell out your zodiac sign!"
20 feb 3
I'm so tired.
everything has drained.
everything is draining.
maybe its that time again.
[die]
how is it I let you drive me insane the way you do?
explosions in the background my laughter ringing in my ears
when the sun was still up
it was still real and not something to comfort my shot nerves
shots in the dark I want to plow into a snow drift
feel the silence consume
and reality nubbing the life out of my spine
I'm tired of drawing the same ol' same ol'
I'm sick of us being the same ol' same ol'
tomorrow.
I don't know about tomorrow.
I don't know about today.
I still don't know yesterday.
why did we let it go the way we went?
why didn't we try harder?
why did I walk where I did
the way I did with the life I've forgotten runs rampant in my skull
you can see it when the light starts to go
and the twinkle from my smile
beings to fade just like thoughts of you
you who I can't forget
you who I won't let myself forget
and there are so many you's in my life
one two three four five six seven eight nine ten twenty thirty fourty
fifty times tonight
and I'm not even sure you loved me once
like I hope
just before I lose all memory
like I might still hope
do I?
what do I?
how do I?
do I?
echoes of dreams playing out in words on my tv screen
I can read your japanese voice and how sweet it sounds
a tear tetering on the corner of my eyelid
waiting to dive off into infinity with you
and where will we go?
how will we get there? where will we end up? when will time stop for
us?
let me know your
enormity and my ignorance
help me see your infinity and my tininess
I'm fucking starved...
21 feb 3
I laughed and then I laughed
and then I noticed something
over and over
and you know that point
when you realize you've had too much
too much chocolate too many sweets
too much.... mmmm...
and then that other point
yeah. that one. [winks]
22 feb 3
whaa? eeeh? nani?
something of a loss for words when the song stops skipping and you notice
the room was empty from the get go. speaking of go we never stopped.
it wasn't that you were ditched but you forgot to say oi louder than
a whisper. I was the only one who waited. I'm always the only one who
waits. when the storm has lifted and you're ready to breath again.
25 feb 3
[tsssss] ouch [tsssss] ouch
ooh its so tender
something of a throbbing in all the wrong places
and I just couldn't stop myself all day long from smiling at some point
for this, that, you, him, her, it, us, and stolen souls [wink
26 feb 3
I'm so sick
regression what evil plan do you have in store for me
and I just can't keep it down
its all waiting to erupt rivers and streams
the past, why were you?
when should I say I'm sorry?
when will you know I mean it...
28 feb 3
time, a concept of man, curious how it feels so short when voices won't
stop until sleep interrupts with a yawn, 2 within 10 seconds. strange
how I felt every inclination to just keep going, this story onto the
next and memories I wish I had made with others maybe someone like you
maybe someone like us and possibilities of memories for the future.
oh how exciting somethings are.
march
1 mar 3
you know what's on my mind
sometimes its sad
to say good bye
and other times its silly to have hopes
I stopped and heard "let me go"
what's to let go of when there's nothing there
waah waah waah
I can't wait for this day to be over
and then and then the night calls
are you ready to start living?
like last time...reality breaking through
this feeling, just like the first kiss, bliss
and I smiled secretly behind my exhaustion
did you know, did you know I'm letting myself go
2 mar 3
I can see you, bleeding, breathing, needing, feeding
on nothing, nibbling on yourself, gnawing on what isn't there
you can see me, reaching, calling, soothing, [----]ing
I'm here when you forget I am, I'm here when you wish I wasn't,
I'm listening when all you hearseefeelknowwant is silence
I understand when denial has consumed you and we've all forgotten
I've forgotten, he's forgotten, she's, we've, you've, they've
but we haven't. have we? reliving our memories like 3-2-1-CONTACT!
you have one new message, you see, and you say "why am I here?"
3 mar 3
I forgot you cared
woo! hooray for
procrastination!
I'm going to be dead tomorrow.
[orders lilies and pretty black dress]
I'll get you a window seat in hell (:
4 mar 3
I'll say something tomorrow
rosy cheeks and
pretty smiles
thank you dear, I'll miss you
but I do and sometimes I wonder why
I used to have a button that said that
6 mar 3
RAR RAR RAR stylz yo
and thoughts
I see you there
teaming, raging waters
words waiting to destroy
waiting to renew
life in my eyes
on my lips
you feel, you paint
my words in your mind
upon your eyes
you see my thoughts as your own
in your own
a simple understanding
a misunderstanding
complex, words, they are though
and so are we
they fall just as we do
fall and fly
lives of their own
that's why we must watch
and we do
to see
how will my words sound to you?
what will my words mean to you?
my words, your words,
stilled, silence a hunger
aching, we're aching
death to silence, inevitability
why must you be
my words can not be stayed
my thoughts must be moved
space must be made
a release must be sent through
sense on the tail end
words, they fly within the moment
without the movement
tripping into one another
to form sentences
curls on the tip of the mind
and I share the wealth
5 mar 3
its all gone out the window.
words flying and flown past
forward into eternity
to be remembered by those forgotten
I dreamt the other night."
7 mar 3
post comment
it began on the curb next to my driveway. his guitar in his lap humming
and strumming, radiohead this time. his voice and the notes bounced
off the walls of the houses that felt amazingly closer than they actually
were. hand in hand I walked us down to the lake near my house. a moon
of orange the size of a quarter held infront of the eye floated lazily
on the horizon and a mist started rising in the valley next to the dam.
"how are we going to get across the lake?"
"that's not the lake dear, that's fog."
cool moisture enveloped us, ghosts we became in the mist, never losing his touch, he held more than my hand. seated on the dam, an ocean of fog floated a short man's height above the surface of the lake. it couldn't have been more beautiful, picturesque cirrus clouds a sheer nightgown on the moon. I see your curves moon and your secrets too I thought. he sang from another place, different than when we were curled up outside my house. a soul had come to life and he was letting lose counting crows and fake plastic trees. curiosity, how powerful you are. and in its strength I fell. flying full speed ahead and I felt at home. in his embrace. in his love. night's like this are imaginary. dreams flashing before my eyes and he couldn't stop hiding his smile behind his arms encircled around his legs.
8 mar 3
thank you
lost, hands, found
parking lots
and missed calls
voices by my shoulder
"so I should tell you..."
and I'm falling around
"I dig this..."
and I can see
"what's gonna happen next? what can happen?"
oh yeah, [smiles]
9 mar 3
its not replacement persay, you see
but you won't that's why I won't say
that it is or it isn't
either way I'm trying not to feel
or maybe it was the wind
the biting cold around my hands
wet with suds and bubbles
actually I can't
I try not to but I do
and I do and thank god I do
because damn
it felt so good [what I did feel]
what happened and what didn't
I can still remember yesterday and today
tomorrow I'll see you, soon, sooner than later
and we'll hope, I hope. but I'm... I don't know
but that's ok. I'll just do it.
we'll see soon. so far.
ok go.
10 mar 3
thank you
I'm listening to
you today
I think peace, feel peace
and sleep, eyelids asleep
numb and fuzzy, dreams swimming
in my head, up up and away,
soft pitched and forever
I'm at home in my mind
13 mar 3
le sigh times a bamillion
and I thought for a moment
he might care
he might be something more
and I thought
but I try not to now
I wish I couldn't I wish I wasn't
because only...because only...
this is what I get...
13 mar 3
there's no need for me
to sleep with one eye open anymore
to make sure you're still there
when I wake
because
I'm no longer dependent on your body
being my pillow"
13 mar 3
in all honesty. I don't know how to deal. I never have. in normal circumstances.
in a normal situation. nothing with me is normal. I don't let it be?
I don't let me be? normal. labels. what are they? what are we? what
am I? or who. who am I, I know... not? I do? I don't...know. this lack
of knowledge doesn't encourage me to give up, it motivates me to understand.
why? what have I done? why can't I? why can't everything just be right.
for once. in some kind of normal circumstance. but they never will be.
because I'll never let them be. normal. pah. normal. what a boring label.
its not even fun to say.
say it with me now
sing it with me now
normal
it doesn't slide or roll or slip sweetly off the tongue. it collides carelessly into each taste bud no regard for direction or manor. nothing at odd times nothing at wrong times nothing at right times nothing. normal. n n n n not this time though. not this time. not next time. and not this time.
14 mar 3
flashy lights
and it was all a blur
dust clouds in the fight
and blood, it seemed like...
it was everywhere. the blood.
its everywhere.
all over you. you who...
you who matters the most.
"just go"
we said
"get away" we said
and instigation
why, why, why,
why did you, why did I
and why after all
this.
it was all going so well.
the day. the week.
well. most of it.
it was all going so well
and then this.
whoever. whatever. wherever.
just... make it all better.
make it all not have happened.
a dream. a bad dream. a nightmare.
you know, the ones we never have
the ones we see on tv, make it one of those
something I see on tv, on channel five,
the channel you pass over
because
it could never happen to me
well it did. and.
it was my fault.
I'm so sorry.
it was my fault.
I'm so sorry. and I'm dizzy. realization.
what are you. I'm so sorry.
so sorry... I won't ever be sorry enough.
but why? and how?
what kind of a society do we live in? what kind of parent could allow something like this to rampage over something so... so... seemingly trivial. I merely... I merely. and it seemed to be enough. why though. how though. what rational though. sane mind you say? normal person you say? what then? how then? who then?
but... in the beginning, as the end has yet to come...
I'm sorry
I suppose its safe to assume one who stumbled upon this by chance and accidently clicking on space would want curiosity sated as to what the hell all this babble is. some call them thoughts--I do--, some call it lyrics, some call them wasted space... they are from the past and yet still are the present. maybe they will remain in the future. to some extent they will. its always good, I think, to look back. I laugh, I remember, I ask myself why did I cry then, what was I thinking, I miss. but I don't.
thank you. and come again.